TV show quotes
Barnaby, listen.
What?
I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]
I bet it's a chud.
We really need to get you some pants.
Yeah, that's not a pickle.
I know. It's your penis.
My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.
Barnaby...
Scrinching back!
So, what's the plan here, big 'un?
Well, first we follow this vented scum pipe to the lair of Torpedo Vegas, where we'll affect ingress through the drain in the men's lavatory. Once past the perimeter, you'll distract the first guard. [Xander is standing naked in front of a guard, rubbing his nipples]
Oh, me so horny! You distracted?! Oh, you like tea bag, Chinatown?
While I excecute a stealth kill. [Killface comes up behind the guard and snaps his neck]
Ah, so...
Ha ha! Shh shh shh shh shh shh...yes, go see your mommy.
Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]
You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]
Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.
Yeah. My part's kinda gay.
Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!
Uh...what's Plan B?
[They Round a corner and are faced with a dozen gun-wileding guards]
Fleeze, douche bags!
I don't actually have one.
[Old Spice, Xander and Killface navigate the Torpedo Vegas sewers]
All right, tell Old Spice thanks for helping us escape… uh the map… Oh! And thanks for these new eyes!
[in Mandarin] Thanks for your help. And the eyes.
[in Mandarin] The glasses are only temporary.
Neat!
Oh, this bag of radishes.
[in Mandarin] Also, thanks for the radishes!
Move over bananas, I found a new source of potassium.
[in Mandarin] There should also be a turnip.
Oh, and tell him… [looks at Xander] you know, you’re really dead handsome.
[in Mandarin] He says you’re very handsome.
[looks nonplussed at Killface then Xander. In Mandarin] Tell him I have a wife. In China.
Uh… he says he has a car, in China.
Well, I don’t care about his car!
Well, I’m not gonna tell him that!
No, do tell him! Tell him that verbatim.
Owning a car in China has got to be, like, a huge deal! Of course he’s proud!
Barnaby.
Think how many rags he had to pick!
Time’s a bit of a factor here.
TELL HIM YOU’RE PROUD OF HIS CAR!
What does it matter what I say?
Well, he speaks English.
[to Old Spice] You speak English?
Yes.
[walks away] Mm-hmm.
So that's your plan? Break in there, kill all the guards, and rescue Simon?
A simple, logical progression, Barnaby. [They are hit by spotlights]
Fleeze, douchebags!
Yeah... yeah pretty much writes itself.
Pneumatic tubes eh?
Obviously.
Can't put coins in those.
They were very clear on that. I'm not even sure where they go. All I know is that I can't put coins in them can I?
I -
Because I can't put coins in it!
I don't even have any coins you bitch!
He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*
What?
I think I'm missing the key reference.
I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.
I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!
Barnaby just-
I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.
Neither does he!
Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...
I - uh -
Yeah, what is the story on that?
Oh, like you can talk.
Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.
[Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]
[Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.
Don't listen to him, he's crazy!
Was Patty Hearst crazy when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?
Barnaby - just...turn six, alright?
Okay, I'll let you have the kid back if, and this is the part I kinda like, if you two fight to the death.
[Immediately] Done.
What?
Oh God I love Chinatown.
Ah tonights death rabbit boughts have been cancelled.
What the hell damn guy!
Oh man I hate Chinatown.
Alright, while I think of a plan-
Plan? It was your stupid ass plan that got us into this pickle! Oh, we were supposed to get-
Don't... say it.
Sorry.
Now just try to make the fight look real- [Xander smashes him in the face repeatedly] Yeah, okay, relatively. Okay, okay, Barnaby?
Do you hear a dial tone? 'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!
Barnaby, they're not buying it, we're going to have to go to plan B.
Yeah, 'cause you're getting your ass kicked!
And I apologize in advance for this.
Hey dude, what are you- [Killface bites Xander's ear off, Xander screams and falls] Oh, son of a bitch!
My ear! Somebody put it in milk! [Killface spits it out]
What's that?
No no no, they can reattach it! [Stan's clones jump down on the ear and presumably eat it while harrumphing]
Now there's something you don't see everyday.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
