WWaitress
Would you mind, you know, doing the butler voice? From the show?
SLSebastian Leslie
All right. I only do it for close friends and beautiful women, but you two are already halfway there.
WWaitresses
[Laughs] Stop it.
SLSebastian Leslie
“I, Bartholomew Codsworth, am ever ready to serve.” [Sebastian laughs] Perhaps when you finish your shift, we could head up and party in the hot tub. What do you think of that?
WWaitresses
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
SLSebastian Leslie
No? [Mutters] Okay. All right. Excuse me. Your wine.
Well, shit, Seabass. You might be the only one of my invites who actually showed up.
SLSebastian Leslie
[Laughs] Yeah. Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Not our usual scene, I’ll give you that.
No, it is not. I think our Hollywood actor friends don’t want to be seen celebrating with the pitchman for the end of the world.
SLSebastian Leslie
Oh, you don’t know the half of it. You hear I lost a movie over these ads? Yeah, showed up to set, the actors wouldn’t come out of their trailers. Bonnie Lewis said it was on moral grounds.
SLSebastian Leslie
She’s done more ads than a fucking billboard.
SLSebastian Leslie
Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Even got your friend, Charlie Whiteknife.
Are you kidding me? Charlie? I served with that guy.
SLSebastian Leslie
They have meetings and everything. It’s a shit show. But you, my friend, you know which way the wind is blowing.
And it’s that... a world run by people who wear pocket protectors to a pool party.
NNerd
...about delivery platforms.
SLSebastian Leslie
Yeah, you might be right about that. I mean, I’ve dipped my bits in the same gravy train. Sold my vocal rights to that spinning robot they sell to housewives and perverts. Guess how much they paid me for that.
SLSebastian Leslie
No, I got 186, pre-tax.
Maybe you could’ve asked for more.
SLSebastian Leslie
Well, I did ask for more.
SLSebastian Leslie
My agent got them to throw in one of those robots. [Laughs] The fuck were they thinking? Every time I walk into my own house, my own voice saying, “Hello, sir, do you want to sit down?” [Laughs] It’s fucking awful!
I thought the studio owned that character.
SLSebastian Leslie
They did. And then RobCo bought the studio.
SLSebastian Leslie
Listen to me, Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood. The future, my friend, is products. You're a product. I'm a product. The end of the world is a product. And for those of us who can successfully embrace that, I'd say the future is golden.
[Holds out glass] To the future.
SLSebastian Leslie
[Clinks glass] To the future.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Nope, it does not. [cautiously] You ever...think about working somewhere else?
I used to. But with you doing these ads, it's practically the family business. Maybe we can get Janey a job in payroll when she's 15.
I think about it. Quitting showbiz. Buying us a ranch up in Bakersfield. Go back to being a real cowboy again.
You would look pretty? And help me raise chickens?
You would look very good in a pair of overalls.
[getting out of the hot tub] What's gotten into you?
A gin martini. [sighs] I don't know. Maybe I've been reading too much news lately. Got me second-guessing the whole city life.
[Barb starts getting dressed. Cooper watches her put on a Pipboy, suspicious.]
Oh come on, you've seen these around.
Bud Askins. He licensed these from RobCo. We're integrating them with the Vault-Tec access systems.
[rolls his eyes] Bud Askins.
Bud Askins. Trust me, I know. The company's filled with guys like him. But Vault-Tec exists, with or without me. Doesn't do anyone any good to complain from the sidelines.
All I'm saying is, we've got one life. Do you really want to spend your nine-to-five working with these assholes?
I need this job, Coop. It guarantees us a spot in one of the Vaults.
We got money. We can buy a spot in one of the Vaults...
[taken aback] What's that supposed to mean?
I...I'm doing what I can. Just trust me. Please?
Do you know what "fiduciary responsibility" means?
"Fiduciary responsibility?" No. I have no fucking idea. I play a cowboy for a living.
Okay. So, the US Government has outsourced the survival of the human race to Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec is a private corporation that has a fiduciary responsibility to make money for its investors. And how does it make money? By selling Vaults.
That's called "capitalism," Charlie.
But they can't sell Vaults if these peace negotiations go through. So, Vault-Tec has a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that it don't work out.
[scoffs] Yeah? How are they gonna do that?
I don't know. But...do you remember that movie we did with Johnny Morton? You were the Sheriff, and I was some generic Indian?
Hey come on, don't say that. Tallhand Mudlake could talk to horses. You played him with grace and dignity. It was a great role for you!
Morton played a rancher who owned half of Missouri. And what happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the Sheriff?
The whole town burns down.
The whole town burns down. Right. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything, and after ten years of war the US Government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop. Unless the People do something about it.
I guess everything's a conspiracy, right? Come on man, you sound like you're in a cult.
And you're sitting here defending a system that's ready to set the world on fire, Cooper. Maybe you're the one in the cult.
It's going to be hard on her, that's all.
You know. "No Dogs in the Vault."
"No Dogs in the Vault." Says who?
Well, that's just...that's the policy. You know, dogs eat meat. It's an avoidable inefficiency.
Yeah...that's not really the question, is it? All I'm asking is, who decided there were were no dogs in the Vault?
Well I think that is a relatively trivial concern, given the prerequisite conditions of us living in a nuclear fallout shelter.
You know, I'm not sure that it is, to be quite honest. [Barb sighs] I'm serious! Who makes the rules? Because "No Dogs Allowed," that is a new rule! Somebody decided that and didn't share it with fucking anyone! I mean, what else do you have in store for us? Are the blue jumpsuits mandatory? What if I don't want to wear a blue one? What if I want to wear a green one?
So the Bomb falls and you want to know about your wardrobe?
No, I want to know about my freedom! I didn't go to war defending that freedom so I could live in a cellar under the bootheel of Chairman Bud Askins.
While you were away at war, I stayed home.
I was checking the mail every day...
I was waiting by the phone every night, and every night I was driving myself crazy imagining the worst. So you do not need to tell me how bad war is, Coop. Every day I go into work, and I think about how humanity can survive a nuclear event that will wipe out 90% of life on earth. And I come home, and you're talking to me about hiding out on a ranch up in Bakersfield? I don't even know what planet you're on sometimes, Coop! But when the bombs drop, a two-hour drive ain't gonna cut it! So yes, there will be no dogs in the Vault, and no, none of it is ideal. But if billions of people are going to lose their lives, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that the people I love - and that is you and that is Janey - aren't among them. I have worked hard to make sure we go into a special Vault for Management. Where we will oversee all the other Vaults. [Cooper looks at her with disapproval] You don't get it! That is the best we can possibly hope for! For Janey.
[Adam and his son walk into their house to find The Ghoul eating a dinner plate being served by his prepubescent daughter Sandra]
Thank you, darling. [Realizes Adam's assumption of him with Sandra] Oh, wait. You thought...? [Laughs] Come on, now.
AAdam
Sandra, wait outside.
Lead farming, huh? Why, hell, I probably still got some of your lead in me somewhere. [Sighs] But today... I’m just looking for information.
AAdam
I’ll tell you anything, as long as you leave us in peace.
Say, am I out of date, or did I hear you had three kids? I had an older son, but he’s gone.
TTommy
He took up with that madwoman in the hills two years ago. We haven’t heard from him since.
Hmm. There’s always some new little faction, ain’t there? Brand-new team of believers with their own dumbass ideas about how they gonna save the world. What did you say the name of your eldest was? Was it Roofus?
That must make you Tommy.
AAdam
What did you do? What is that envelope?
Well, you see, daddy-o... now, from what I can tell... [clears throat] Old Roofus got Tommy here mixed up with that madwoman, too. [Holds up paper] Now, according to this, Roofus sent Tommy a stash of caps to pay a courier for “the safe transport of an Enclave defector” to that very same madwoman in the hills. Moldaver. But my problem is, by the time I got this letter off your brother, it was a little bit hard to read. For some reason, I just can’t make out her location. Now, you give me that location, and I’ll be on my way.
TTommy
[Whispers] I’m sorry.
AAdam
Tell him, son. Just tell him.
TTommy
I didn’t want to spend my life digging through dirt. I want to build something, and we have the chance…
AAdam
Tell him what he wants to know! Or else he’s gonna kill us all! Including your little sister.
TTommy
She’s... she’s at the Observatory.
AAdam
Now, please, leave us.
So, what you think, Tommy? Am I really walking out of here today, or are you gonna try and draw on me for what I did to your big brother?
Maybe not today, but maybe someday. [Tommy reaches for a shotgun on a beam with The Ghoul shooting him fatally]
AAdam
Tommy! [The Ghoul then walks out past Adam holding Tommy]
MWMoldaver Williams
[Giving a church sermon] What is it about California, that we all came to this place? [Inhales deeply] Maybe it’s the sunshine. Maybe it’s the friendly people. When you think of the promise of the American Dream, you think of California. But it is just a dream. It’s not real. We were told the atom bomb meant the end of war. That didn’t work out, did it? We were told America’s always getting better, it’s always moving toward a better future. But the future is getting closer, and we can see it. Their “better future” is a cliff’s edge. And it’s coming up fast, isn’t it? [Sighs] These soldiers that we’re fighting abroad, their families, we have more in common with them than we do with the people here in power, the real enemy.
That’s about all the horseshit I can take.
CWCharles Whiteknife
Coop. Coop, come on. [Congregationalists murmurs with Howard getting up and walking to door]
MWMoldaver Williams
Mr. Howard? [Cooper sighs] I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.
[Stops and turns around] I said that, um... this is about all the horseshit I can take.
MWMoldaver Williams
I didn’t realize that America’s favorite gunslinger was so sensitive. [Congregationalists chuckles]
I have my principles, Miss Williams, that’s all.
MWMoldaver Williams
Uh-huh. And those principles of yours... how much did Vault-Tec pay to take them off your hands?
Well, this is America. Everybody has a sponsor, and, uh, I’m not ashamed to earn a living.
MWMoldaver Williams
Vault-Tec is the largest company in America. There’s a lot of money in selling the end of the world.
Well, I’m sure there’s a lot of money in selling a political ideology that ends in breadlines.
CWCongregationalist woman
Fascist.
CWCharles Whiteknife
Okay, uh, sorry, this was a mistake. We’ll be leaving.
MWMoldaver Williams
Oh, no, I’m-I’m quite glad you brought Mr. Howard today. You see, it happens that I know your wife. And perhaps a side of her you don’t.
...
[Walking in hallway with Moldaver] How do you know my wife?
MWMoldaver Williams
My research company was acquired by her division. We were developing this kind of technology that’s... difficult to monetize. Cold fusion. Infinite energy. That’s what I was on the verge of achieving when Vault-Tec swept in and bought up every company I’d ever worked for.
Every one of them? So, what are you, a millionaire communist?
MWMoldaver Williams
Hypocrisy is like violence in your movies. If you only let the bad guys use it, the bad guys win.
Yeah? I, uh, I got a little showbiz secret for you. A good bad guy doesn’t see themselves as the bad guy.
MWMoldaver Williams
America has been locked in a resource war for over a decade. Vault-Tec bought the means to end that war, the same war you fought in, so they could put it on the shelf. All because it didn’t fit into their business model. [Holds out listening device] I want your help in getting it back.
MWMoldaver Williams
It’s a listening device.
A listening device. You... you want me to spy on my wife? [Softly chuckles] Good luck with the revolution.
MWMoldaver Williams
You can keep it. As a token. I’m not a communist, Mr. Howard. That’s just a dirty word they use to describe people who aren’t insane.
[Lucy is bound to a table before a court of raucous spectators]
BBirdie
We are all survivors here. Lucky enough to have found this sanctum of peace. Of tolerance. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you believe. You deserve safety. Unless... you threaten that peace.
OBOverseer Benjamin
[Picks up sword and brings it to Lucy] For causing harm to a fellow survivor, you are hereby sentenced to death... [Lucy whimpers when Maximus raises the sword] by banishment to the surface! [Gently saws Lucy's binds] It’s almost there. [Realizes sword is too dull ]Need to get that sharpened, please. [Hands sword to Birdie, clears throat and manually breaks Lucy's binds]
You’re just... letting me go?
OBOverseer Benjamin
Well, that’s certainly an optimistic perspective. You’ll be killed almost immediately on the surface by Lord knows what. That’s why we’re giving you two weeks of supplies to take with you. [Cathy brings box of bottled cola] Thank you, Cathy.
CCathy
Sure. [Walks away]
OBOverseer Benjamin
After that, you are on your own, Goosey.
Uh... that’s, uh... that’s... really nice of you guys.
OBOverseer Benjamin
Okay, and now it is time to be moving along.
Can I just ask you one thing?
OBOverseer Benjamin
Obviously, someone will carry the supplies to the surface for you.
My friend really likes it here. And he’s a good person. He deserves to be somewhere nice and safe, like this. I know that I’m not really in the position to be asking favors. [Chuckles] But... can he stay? [Spectators gasps]
SOSnake oil salesman
[Running after Thaddeus] Excuse me!
SOSnake oil salesman
Don’t kill me. I’m a doctor. I can help you. Haven’t run into many people traveling with a human head.
Oh, this? It’s not... It’s nothing really, it’s more of a... I have to... It’s a souvenir kind of thing.
SOSnake oil salesman
Oh, yeah? [Walking through semi-sand-submerged house window] Welcome to my humble pharmacy. Have a seat, my dear boy, and let’s take a look at that tattered tootsy of yours. [Thaddeus takes off boot and sock] Oh... Oh. I’ve seen this condition before.
Uh, someone stepped on my foot.
SOSnake oil salesman
Yes. Sometimes fatal. But you’re in luck, ’cause I’ve got the cure. [Turns to table of medicines] I have, in my possession, serums and potions for every malady and misfortune that could possibly beset a wandering traveler such as yourself.
[Salesman hears Thaddeus's pistol hammer clicks and sees raising his pistol at him from mirror] What’s stopping me from just killing you and taking your whole thing of drugs?
SOSnake oil salesman
Well, when it comes to serums, not many people know the difference between the noxious and the benign. A murky hue of green could aid the humors. A brackish tint of shamrock, and... [blows raspberry] That’s the sound of your lower intestine falling right the fuck out. [Waves vials in both hands] But which is which? Which is which...
Fine. Just give me the right one.
SOSnake oil salesman
Okay. Before we start, there’s the small matter of my fee.
I don’t have caps, but.. [Produces fusion core]
SOSnake oil salesman
Oh, my. Is- is that a.. fusion core? You don’t see those around much anymore, do you? But, if you do want to survive... not a bad trade.
SOSnake oil salesman
Okay, let’s get started. This elixir I have concocted heals all. And I mean everything. But I must warn you, the taste: not great.
SOSnake oil salesman
Okay. [Thaddeus inhales sharply with Salesman laughing heartily] I’m sorry!
SOSnake oil salesman
Yes? The results! [Thaddeus gasps as his foots heals immediately]
Holy shit. Holy shit! Ah, thank you!
SOSnake oil salesman
Sure thing, buddy boy! Ah... [Slams briefcase shut]
[Maximus walks before Quintus on his throne with Lee taking Siggi Wilzig's head to Quintus] You’re wearing the Knight’s red. Where’s your Knight?
This is not the first time a Brother in your company has fallen into misfortune... is it? [A cleric uses radio counter to scan Siggi Wilzig's head] I fear you lied then.
CCleric
No artifact, m’lord.
DDane
[Repeatedly] Wait! [Groans as knights force Maximus to knees]
Please, listen to me! I can get you the real head.
Don’t kill me and I can lead you to it! [Pants and groans] I can help you!
DDane
Please, m’lord. My injury was my own doing. Not his.
Please... please, I know where the head is!
DDane
For the sake of the Brotherhood, please listen to him! [Maximus pants heavily]
Such a display of loyalty. Don’t see that much anymore. [Speaking to Maximus in private] You think you’re the first squire who coveted his Knight’s armor? How did Titus die?
[Sighs softly] The Brotherhood has lost its way. We once ruled the Wasteland... and yet power is taken, not given. A lesson you seem to have learned. So, if what you say is true, and you can lead us to the relic, then together, you and I, we will take power. And with it... we will start a new Brotherhood. With me as its head, and the likes of you as its sword. Your entire life, you’ve been looking for a home. Build one with me.
HMr. House
Even if you outlive all external threats, here's my problem with the vaults. You confine a bunch of rats in a nest for a long time, they end up eating each other. So who's to say your rats are gonna survive better than those animals on the surface? There's a lot of earning potential with the end of the world. You're talking about making a significant investment, based on a hypothetical. How can you guarantee results?
By dropping the bomb ourselves.
[...]
A nuclear event would be a tragedy, but also an opportunity. Perhaps the greatest opportunity in history, because when we are the only ones left, there will be no one left to fight. A true monopoly. This is our chance to make war obsolete, because in our current societal configuration, which took shape without intentional guidance, we have friction, we have conflict, and we have war. And war, well... war never changes.
Rose was so clever. Like you. Lucy, your mother discovered that something was siphoning the Vault's water supply away. And from that one clue, she deduced that maybe civilization had returned to the surface. When she told her husband, he said that it was a ridiculous idea. And that she should tell no one.
And that's when she realized that her husband, the Overseer, was hiding things.
Lucy, let's go. Let's get out of here.
So she ran away. Like you did, Lucy. And took her children. She found this wonderful city, that was everything the Vaults has promised to be.
But then, her husband came after her. And when she decided not to return home, he took the children. And he burned that city to the ground. [Lucy stares in disbelief] Shady Sands.
That's how Vault-Tec deals with competition. Just like they did two hundred years ago.
Want another autograph, young Henry? "Feo, fuerte, y formal?" When your daughter said her last name was MacLean, well...I just couldn't believe it was the MacLean. Hell, this kid used to pick up my wife's dry cleaning. Now, I've waited over two hundred years to ask someone one question:
[Raises his pistol. His voice reverts back to his old self.]
Where's my fucking family?
War never changes. You look at this wasteland, it seems like chaos. But there's always somebody behind the wheel. And that's who I wanna talk to. That's where your Daddy is headed.
It's easier to track a stuck pig than to ask it where it's off to. You want to know how I know your Daddy, don't you? Let's just say that everything about your whole little world was decided over two hundred years ago. Now, you can stay here with him, but when his tin-can soldier friends take this place - and they're gonna take this place - they will kill you and everybody here. Or you could come and meet your makers.
