[After Rochelle catches Julius doing his secret job] If that's what my mother looks like catching my father with another job, no wonder he never had another woman.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.
Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?
YYao
Why don't you ask your mother?
Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.
Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national summer holiday.
[Caruso arrives at Chris' door dressed as Uncle Sam]
Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]
[The Teacher gives to Caruso a report card] When he got a F on his paper.
F. [punching Chris in the face]
You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...
You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'...
My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.
Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super-TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.
My mom had her own style of driving: The Fast and the Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.
While my mother was out challenging the law, I was breaking it.
I was supposed to park across the street, but now I'm on the highway to hell.
What are you doing?
Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.
Or to the other side of the borough.
WGWhite Girl
Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?
Sure, why not?
Because they're underage.
What's wrong?
Everything.
I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.
If Greg was here, he'd say I was in there.
When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.
Hey Dad, can I drive?
And he always said the same thing.
Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.
He coulda just said no.
Don't go burnin' up gas.
I'm just moving the car across the street.
That's three cents' worth of gas.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.