Ephram Brown quotes from Everwood

Hey freak, what's with your hair, man? Did they run out of green at the store?

Hey you, my friend here asked you a question. Where's your manners?

Ephram

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. Since obviously you do, maybe you can translate for me.

Amy

You were bold out there.

Ephram

Oh, it was strategy, really.

Amy

Strategy?

Ephram

I find it's best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. Yeah, it makes them wonder if I have some butt-kicking prowess that they're unable to detect.

Amy

Wow. You have really thought this out.

Ephram

Yeah, well, spend as much time in a gym locker as me, you'd have a few theories of your own.

Amy

What's it like? Having a dad who's famous.

Ephram

Oh. It's like this: You're eight years old. He misses your birthday party. You wanna cry about it but he's on TV that night for separating the heads of Siamese twins. You're ten. He's not there to see you in the school play. He is however in the New York Times for restoring the vision of a five-year-old kid. I think he was my dad's excuse for missing my elementary school graduation. You know you want to be mad at him. You wanna hate him. But you can't. He's saving lives.

Ephram

He said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? For what reason? Because someone told you it was pretty once!? And if that's not enough, you talk to Mom like she's still here; I've seen you, and Delia has too. What do I have to say for myself?! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Andy

I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.

Ephram

Mom would never have done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!

Andy

Don't be so sure of that!

Ephram

I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!

Andy

Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!

Ephram

I wish you died instead of her!

Andy

Well, I wish I did too, you little bastard!

Ephram

I hate you!

Andy

Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!

Ephram

I'm going for a ride! [He grabs his bike]

Andy

Oh, yeah?!

Ephram

Yeah!

Andy

At some point you're getting in that house!

Andy

[at Gino Chang's, a combination Chinese/Italian restaurant] OK, we'll have one order of the minestrone soup, two orders of the chicken parmesan, one sweet and sour pork and a couple of egg rolls to start.

Ephram

I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is... hands down the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to. And we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.

I think it's cool!

Andy

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.

Ephram

Don't let her watch it.

Be quiet.

Andy

Am I missing something?

Ephram

Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.

It does not.

Ephram

Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.

Andy

Delia?

Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.

Ephram

Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.

Andy

Nobody's a junkie in this house.

Bright

How goes it.. Bone-lick?

Amy

He has to hang with us.

Ephram

No offense, Amy, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.

Bright

Yeah? Well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.

Ephram

Dude, you've really gotta work on the insults.

Ephram

So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions

Amy

Actually I brought you up here to tell you something very important. Grover.

Ephram

Grover?

Amy

It's my nickname. I always loved Grover as a kid. I know for most kids, it's all "Winnie the Pooh" or "Hello Kitty", or occasionally, "Strawberry Shortcake" but, for me, life was about a little blue Muppet named Grover.

Ephram

Well, Grover was a very underrated Muppet.

Amy

Maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places.

Ephram

You're right maybe I should take up football and cow tipping and then I could the most popular boy in the school.

You should be happy you made a friend.

Ephram

What's that supposed to mean?

It's not easy. Everybody in my class has known each other since the nineties.

Ephram

Boy, can I clear a hallway or what?

Amy

That's Kayla and Paige. They're allergic to anyone who's not at the top-2 popularity percentile.

Ephram

I'm only 98 percent short.

Amy

My friend Kayla is having a birthday party. Wanna go?

Ephram

Do you need somebody to play Happy Birthday?

Amy

Come on... you'll be my guest.

Ephram

I don't know... me, your friends... lit candles in the same room?

Amy

My dad is going to kill me.

Ephram

I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him why you went.

Amy

That's not the way it works at my house.

Ephram

How does it work?

Amy

He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.

Ephram

In my house it's more like, I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.

Ephram

What? What is it? Are you moving us to Zimbabwe or something? What?

Andy

No no no, it's nothing like that, I'm just thinking about something. It's funny actually. Well it's not so much funny 'ha ha' is... you see... the thing is, I don't know whether or not you've ever had sex.

Ephram

And you never will.

Andy

OK then. Good talking to you.

Andy

Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.

Ephram

You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.