MarshallThanks to the Brainalizer, my nine-year-old buddy, Simon, now had an Einsteinian intellect - and a pretty snobby personality to boot.
S1 E15 No Brain, No Pain
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Played by Omri Katz
Eerie, Indiana · 44 quotes
Most-quoted character in Eerie, Indiana: in 36 of its 44 quotes
Most scenes with: Simon Holmes (5)
Lines by Marshall Teller 24
MarshallMarshall TellerSometimes it gets tough battling the forces of Eerie by myself, even with a little help from Simon, but I always thought I could count on Mom and Dad for a dose of normality. But then Dad joined The Loyal Order of Corn, Eerie's version of the Moose Lodge, and started spending all his free time there, which drove Mom crazy. I'd never even noticed the place.
MarshallWhile penetrating the inner sanctum of the Loyal Order of Corn, my trusted associate Simon somehow got transmitted to the planet Mars - no thanks to my untrusted non-associate who insisted on being called Dash X!
MarshallThe next morning, Mom and Dad claimed to have no memory of the events at the Lodge. And Radford changes the subject whenever I bring it up. But that won't stop me, Simon and our semi-friend Dash X from digging deeper, because in Eerie, Indiana, when you scrape away the surface weirdness, what you find is more weirdness.
Marshall TellerCredit is weird. People love to buy stuff with it, especially stuff they don't need. But when it comes time to pay, they'll do anything not to. Especially if they are broke - like me.
S1 E17 Zombies in P.J's
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MarshallThe Donald wasn't a good loser. There are only two things that are certain in this world according to Benjamin Franklin: death and taxes. 200 years later in Eerie, ol' Ben had no idea how right he was.
S1 E17 Zombies in P.J's
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Marshall TellerEerie, Indiana, Day... 0. When you're 13, going on family outings is about as cool as getting caught still sleeping with Mr. Blanky.
MarshallI don't have a dog named Toto. But if I did, right about now, I'd be telling him: "Toto, I don't think we're in Indiana anymore."
Marshall TellerBack in Jersey, the Pit Bull Surfers were real popular with all the metalheads. I like 'em 'cause they're so dumb. Well, one day, they finally hit Eerie. Unfortunately, they hit my friend Todd McNulty the hardest. His family lost their farm about a year ago and his Dad was still out of work. I thought a little mindless headbanging music would cheer him up, maybe change his outlook.
S1 E19 Broken Record
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Scenes with Marshall Teller 12
Marshall TellerTo whom it may concern:
If you're reading this document, it means I'm either dead or have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My name is Marshall Teller. Not long ago, I was living in New Jersey, just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted, and full of crime. I loved it. But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me. So we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky clean, you could only find it on TV. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough... but look again. What's wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but this is the center of weirdness for the entire planet:
Eerie, Indiana. My home, sweet home.
Still don't believe me?
You will.
...
MarshallEver since moving here, I've been convinced that something is very wrong with Eerie, Indiana. I tried telling myself there was a logical explanation for everything, but logic doesn't apply here.
That's my family. They're all too busy to see what's going on. Mom just started her own party planning service down at the Eerie Mall. My sister Syndi's practising for her driver's test. Personally, I don't think anybody who spells Syndi S-Y-N-D-I should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. Dad works for Things Incorporated, a product testing company. Dad's job is one of the reasons we moved here, because - statistically speaking - Eerie's the most normal place in the entire country.
Statistics lie.
S1 E1 Forever Ware
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Marshall TellerEerie, Indiana, day 45. I knew my hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey, but this is ridiculous. Nobody believes me, but Eerie is the center of weirdness for the entire planet. Item: A guy that looks suspiciously like Elvis lives on my paper route. Item: Bigfoot eats out of my trash. Item: A bizarre housewife cult in town has been sealing up their kids in giant rubber kitchenware so they don't age. And now, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I discovered that in Eerie, even man's best friend is up to no good. When I try to tell this to my family, they just think I'm weird.
Better weird than dead.
...
MarshallEven if I tell my parents, they won't believe me. They'll just think I'm homesick, or worse yet, crazy. You see, hideous pain and the fact I'll look goofy don't have anything to do with why I don't want a retainer. It's dogs I'm worried about. It all started with a guy named Steve Konkolewski. Steve had the biggest teeth in the 7th grade. I mean we're talking major surfboards.
S1 E2 The Retainer
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MarshallWhat do you want?
FFifi
What do we want? What do we want?! Brothers and sisters, tell these puny bipeds what we want!
D2Dog 2
No more leashes!
D3Dog 3
Let them sleep outside! See how they like it!
D4Dog 4
Down with kibble!
D5Dog 5
Ban obedience school!
D6Dog 6
No more stupid pet tricks!
D7Dog 7
No more deworming!
ADAll dogs
And no more neutering!
S1 E2 The Retainer
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Marshall TellerWhen Dad created Mr. Wilson, the friendly automated teller machine, he had no idea what was going to happen to Eerie. Everybody's heard of the savings and loan scandal. Well, what happened to my best friend Simon is even weirder.
...
MarshallEverybody knows money can't buy you happiness. But Simon was about to find out money can buy you big, big trouble.
You know what's weird?
MarshallBesides Eerie?
They always tell ya, you can't buy friends, but I think you can. You know, guys like Nick and Eddie. But it's like buying expensive tennis shoes: they cost way too much... and they won't last very long.
Flashlight?
MarshallCheck.
Moist towelettes?!
MarshallIn case we get egged.
Bug spray?
MarshallIn case we get bugged.
Clean underwear?
MarshallIn case we get scared.
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