If you're reading this document, it means I'm either dead or have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My name is Marshall Teller. Not long ago, I was living in New Jersey, just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted, and full of crime. I loved it. But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me. So we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky clean, you could only find it on TV. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough... but look again. What's wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but this is the center of weirdness for the entire planet:
Eerie, Indiana. My home, sweet home.
Still don't believe me?
You will.
...
Ever since moving here, I've been convinced that something is very wrong with Eerie, Indiana. I tried telling myself there was a logical explanation for everything, but logic doesn't apply here.
That's my family. They're all too busy to see what's going on. Mom just started her own party planning service down at the Eerie Mall. My sister Syndi's practising for her driver's test. Personally, I don't think anybody who spells Syndi S-Y-N-D-I should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. Dad works for Things Incorporated, a product testing company. Dad's job is one of the reasons we moved here, because - statistically speaking - Eerie's the most normal place in the entire country.
Statistics lie.
BWBetty Wilson
Oh, and one last thing: I always like to leave a special sample behind, as a little thank you. Here's one of our super sandwich savers, it's yours to keep, no obligation of course. And, if you're hungry, the baloni sandwich inside is as fresh as the day it was made. In 1974. Of course, you've always got to make sure the lids are sealed tight, otherwise the aging process is... accelerated.
MTMarilyn Teller
Oh, of course.
BBetty
Otherwise, Forever Ware is guaranteed, when used as directed, to keep anything fresh... forever.
Eerie, Indiana, day 45. I knew my hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey, but this is ridiculous. Nobody believes me, but Eerie is the center of weirdness for the entire planet. Item: A guy that looks suspiciously like Elvis lives on my paper route. Item: Bigfoot eats out of my trash. Item: A bizarre housewife cult in town has been sealing up their kids in giant rubber kitchenware so they don't age. And now, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I discovered that in Eerie, even man's best friend is up to no good. When I try to tell this to my family, they just think I'm weird.
Better weird than dead.
...
Even if I tell my parents, they won't believe me. They'll just think I'm homesick, or worse yet, crazy. You see, hideous pain and the fact I'll look goofy don't have anything to do with why I don't want a retainer. It's dogs I'm worried about. It all started with a guy named Steve Konkolewski. Steve had the biggest teeth in the 7th grade. I mean we're talking major surfboards.
When Dad created Mr. Wilson, the friendly automated teller machine, he had no idea what was going to happen to Eerie. Everybody's heard of the savings and loan scandal. Well, what happened to my best friend Simon is even weirder.
...
Everybody knows money can't buy you happiness. But Simon was about to find out money can buy you big, big trouble.
In New Jersey, we had the usual convenience stores. We had a Stop N' Snack, the Pick N' Go, even a Save N' Haul. But here in Eerie, we've got the World O'Stuff, the place that invented one stop shopping. The World O'Stuff is run by a weird guy named Radford. Everytime I saw him, he was in a different disguise. I can't prove it, but I think he's in the witness protection program.
Eerie, Indiana, day 94. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to lose stuff here. I mean stuff that was there a minute ago would just vanish the moment you turn your back. Gone, disappeared, lost forever. I figure, Eerie is caught in some electromagnetic vortex that messes up the tracking system we humans use to find stuff. Funny, but it seems to be hitting Dad the hardest.
Death isn't exactly something I think about. But ever since I lost my goldfish Nosferatu in second grade, I knew death was a part of life, and part of growing up. Thing is, here in Eerie, especially in Eerie, death and life - death, love, and growing up - seem to be all kind of mixed up sometimes. So it should come as no surprise that the first time I ever really kissed Melanie Monroe, we were in the Eerie cemetery.
