Ray Vecchio quotes from Due South

Benton Fraser

He's in on it.

Ray Vecchio

Who?

Fraser

The trainer.

Ray

How do you know?

Fraser

You'll get upset.

Ray

No, I won't! Just enlighten me as to how, in the span of a two-minute conversation, you figured out that this guy's a criminal.

Fraser

All right. Spittle.

Ray

Spittle?

Fraser

During the course of our conversation, he tried to spit several times, but he couldn't because his mouth was too dry, which would indicate that he's lying.

Ray

So let me get this straight. This is what they do in the Yukon, they arrest everybody who doesn't drool?

Benton Fraser

They're going to kill Charlie.

Ray Vecchio

You gotta teach me how to do that, with the lips.

Ray

Hey, hey, hey! The stairs are right over there.

Fraser

Oh, sorry.

[to Diefenbaker] I gotcha! Where you going now, fella?

Benton Fraser

Hi. Diefenbaker, remember what I told you. [to dog catcher] Benton Fraser, RCMP, and this is my dog. Uh, wolf.

I thought that was a wolf. Well he's mine now, 'cause you sure as hell don't have a wolf license.

You can't have this. It doesn't exist. It never did!

Ray

Signed by the mayor himself. Special dispensation. Now unhand that wolf.

Fraser

You got it! I only asked you once, and you got it.

Ray

Of course I got it. You asked me for it, right?

Fraser

From the mayor himself?

Ray

Well, no. Not exactly. You see, I didn't want to bother him, so what I did was I xeroxed a dog license and I put in "wolf". Wonderful things, photocopiers, huh

Ray Vecchio

[on phone] ...and you think this is the man who stole your cat? Claw marks on his cardigan, yes, that's very conclusive. Um, you know it's going to be a little difficult for me to break away from the case that I'm currently working on, but if you'd like to call back and ask for extension 312, Detectives Huey or Gardino would be glad to help you. Yes, they've been, uh, specially assigned to handle all animal-related offenses. No, ma'am, the pleasure's all mine. [hangs up, as Fraser walks in] How's it going?

Benton Fraser

I need your help, Ray.

Ray

Does it involve domestic animals?

Fraser

Not that I'm aware.

Ray

Then I'm your man.

Violent crimes, Detective Gardino. Cat, ma'am?

Elaine

[about the villain's accomplice] Escaped and at large. I'm printing out last knowns, but the parole office could have more current addresses. I'll call when I get them.

Benton Fraser

Thank you kindly, Elaine.

Ray Vecchio

You're a gem, Elaine. Come on boys, let's move.

Buck Frobisher

We appreciate your thoughtfulness, Miss.

Now there's a country that knows what to export.

Elaine

Absolutely.

Ray Vecchio

I'm telling you, this is a waste of time. There's no way he gave you the right address. I mean, this is the guy's father.

Buck Frobisher

You're right, could be a trap. Now, we go in, ready for battle. [they burst into a room full of elderly people playing bingo] Alright! Nobody move! Get your hands on the table! Get those daubers where I can see 'em! [to an old guy on a walker] You, Pops! Hands in the air! [he obeys, loses his balance, and falls backwards] Oh, sorry.

Ray

Did anyone check this guy's birthday before we started out on this manhunt? Walter Ho was 91 years old. Wouldn't you say the trail's a tad cold?

Benton Fraser

Might have worked with Geiger early in his career.

Ray

Early in his career?! This guy started out with the James gang! Alright, where to next?

Buck

907 Mill Street Road. I've run into this guy before, we're not going to find him in any bingo parlor. Trager, James.

Buck

Born February 13, 1937. Died November 2, 1993.

Ray

Okay, I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogation.

Ray Vecchio

How's it going?

Fraser

They tried to cut off my boots.

Ray

No!

Fraser

Right up the side. I wouldn't let them.

Ray

Well, I don't blame you. Lose a leg, sure, but a good pair of boots isn't easy to replace. Does it hurt?

Fraser

Yes, Ray.

Ray

Would you like a little more fluid?

Fraser

No thanks. How's Dief?

Ray

Oh, I rented him "Rin Tin Tin". He's thrilled.

Benton Fraser

[limping down the hall in his hospital gown] Ow, ow. Ray, could you?

Ray Vecchio

Do I have to? [holds Fraser's gown closed]

Fraser

Thanks, Ray.

Ray

Where the hell did Frobisher go?

Fraser

After Geiger.

Ray

Where are you going?

Fraser

To get my uniform.

Ray

Then what?

Fraser

Then we go after Frobisher. Ow.

Ray

Oh yeah, this makes sense. We got half the police department after this guy, but is he going to worry about that? No, he's got two limping Mounties on his tail.

Ow, ow.

Buck

Look, one week ago, that man in there stole my self-respect. At least I let him steal it. Now I want him to know I'm taking it back, now. I'm going in alone.

Fraser

I understand.

Ray

You understand?! Let me suggest another interpretation to you: That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard in all my life!

Buck

Alright, I won't be long.

Fraser

Oh, one thing. If we should happen to feel that he's also stolen something from us...

Buck

Well, you come too.

Fraser

Good.

Ray

This has gone far enough! Let me point something out to you that your sharp Mountie eyes might have missed. See those windows up there? There are men in those windows with sniper scopes and high-powered rifles. Do you see any cover between here and there? No. Which means there's no way to get from here to there without being seen or killed.

Fraser

He's absolutely right.

Ray

Which is a shame because if there was, I'd be the first to say, "Let's do it."

Fraser

Hmm...unless...

Ray

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Fraser

Would you hold the lantern a little higher, Ray? If we bump the sides, we'll have to return the canoe scuffed.

Ray

Do you have any idea what's in this water?

Fraser

I would suspect a high percentage of ammonia, phosphorus, and cyanide.

Ray

Wrong! Rats. [holds hands up] Rats this big. And you know what they're doing? They're laughing at us. I'm in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats.

Ray

Oh no! You're putting beef on your nose?! Stop that!

Fraser

This meat is bad. [grabs another package and cuts into it]

Ray

Well that's a shame because it looks really good on you. Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears?

Benton Fraser

Excuse me, doctor. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Uh, what's your connection here, Constable?

Ray Vecchio

He does that a lot.

Fraser

I think you're right about it being food poisoning, sir, but not from food that's been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat.

And why do you believe that?

Fraser

Olfactory analysis.

You smelled it?

Ray

He does that a lot, too.

Ray Vecchio

You know, Fraiser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee-deep in day-old chicken heads, looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.

Benton Fraser

Check that container there.

Ray

Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn't have dumped it in here.

Fraser

Well, perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.

Ray

Yeah, and most if it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?

Fraser

I don't know, I've always been this way.

Ray

[phone rings] Cia. It's Raymondo. [Fraser picks something off of Ray's coat] Ma! No, Ma, I did not forget the lettuce, okay?! [to Fraser] See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma, yes I got it. Look, look...no, I gotta go, Fraser's picking lint off me again. Alright. Bye. [to Fraiser] Thanks, but I don't think it's gonna help.

Fraser

It might.

Ray

What is it?

Fraser

Parasites.

Ray

Those were on me?!

Fraser

Yes.

Fraser

Ray?

[to Fraser] Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here!

Didn't know! She's been standing in the doorway, timing it so you'd be undressed.

You're such a liar!

Ray

I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?!

Shut up!

Oh, who cares?! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my towels.

Benton Fraser

Well thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.

Oh, don't be silly, it's really no trouble! [to Ray] Don't use all the hot water! [turns back to Fraser] I'll wait for mine.

Yeah, by the keyhole.

You know, I've really had enough of your mouth!

Ray Vecchio

Anyone seen a Mountie?

Ray

You got a problem with something?

You oughta move your foot.

Ray

Maybe I don't want to move my foot.

But if you don't move your foot, I can't get to that horse patty.

Ray

[looks down at foot then back up] Why would you want that horse patty?

I'm not telling.

Ray

Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I'll move my foot.

Never.

Ray

I'm a cop.

So what?

Ray

Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure?

I'd rather go to the chair than talk.

Ray

You know what I just decided? [Zaleb shakes his head] I've just decided you are so nuts, I'm gonna let you have that patty.

Ray Vecchio

Yo! Manure man!

Leave me alone.

Ray

Look, I just came to apologize. I shoulda never said you were nuts. You obviously do this for a very good reason, and you probably make a pretty good living at it, too.

[suspiciously] You're not thinking of going into this yourself?

Ray

You mean scooping? I have no immediate plans.

An excellent living.

Ray

Really.

I collect and sell it for fertilizer.

Ray

So you must know your-

Like nobody else.

Ray

So where do you find it all?

Stables, pony rides, but they're not my biggest source...

Ray

Meat packing plants.

The mother load.

Ray

Let me ask you a question. Have you noticed any subtle differences in the product at these various plants?

I'll check my database.

Ray

Great. Here's my card, give me a call. And to show my appreciation, I'm gonna point out that you missed something really nice behind that bucket, there.

Why, thank you!