Due South · Season 1, Episode 4
“They Eat Horses Don't They?” · Season 1, Episode 4
In this episode: Benton Fraser (9), Ray Vecchio (9)
[Fraser cuts into a package of hamburger and sniffs it]
Oh no! You're putting beef on your nose?! Stop that!
This meat is bad. [grabs another package and cuts into it]
Well that's a shame because it looks really good on you. Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears?
Excuse me, doctor. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Uh, what's your connection here, Constable?
He does that a lot.
I think you're right about it being food poisoning, sir, but not from food that's been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat.
And why do you believe that?
Olfactory analysis.
You smelled it?
He does that a lot, too.
Look, you can reach me or "the world's nicest person" through this number.
[Ray and Fraser are in a dumpster looking for evidence]
You know, Fraiser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee-deep in day-old chicken heads, looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.
Check that container there.
Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn't have dumped it in here.
Well, perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.
Yeah, and most if it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
I don't know, I've always been this way.
[phone rings] Cia. It's Raymondo. [Fraser picks something off of Ray's coat] Ma! No, Ma, I did not forget the lettuce, okay?! [to Fraser] See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma, yes I got it. Look, look...no, I gotta go, Fraser's picking lint off me again. Alright. Bye. [to Fraiser] Thanks, but I don't think it's gonna help.
It might.
What is it?
Parasites.
Those were on me?!
Yes.
[Ray yells and jumps out of the dumpster]
Ray?
[Ray is trying to shower, but his family keeps barging into the bathroom because Fraser's in there]
[to Fraser] Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here!
Didn't know! She's been standing in the doorway, timing it so you'd be undressed.
You're such a liar!
I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?!
Shut up!
Oh, who cares?! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my towels.
Well thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.
Oh, don't be silly, it's really no trouble! [to Ray] Don't use all the hot water! [turns back to Fraser] I'll wait for mine.
Yeah, by the keyhole.
You know, I've really had enough of your mouth!
Anyone seen a Mountie?
[Zaleb invades Ray's personal bubble, clears his throat once, and then a second time when Ray doesn't move]
You got a problem with something?
You oughta move your foot.
Maybe I don't want to move my foot.
But if you don't move your foot, I can't get to that horse patty.
[looks down at foot then back up] Why would you want that horse patty?
I'm not telling.
Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I'll move my foot.
Never.
I'm a cop.
So what?
Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure?
I'd rather go to the chair than talk.
You know what I just decided? [Zaleb shakes his head] I've just decided you are so nuts, I'm gonna let you have that patty.
Excuse me. I was wondering if, before you leave...could I ask you a question?
Yes?
Would it be possible for you to get me a breakdown of the various meat packers, the number of horses-
[laughs] You know, that is the most unique come-on I have ever heard!
I don't follow you.
Ray, what's a "come-on"?
Yo! Manure man!
Leave me alone.
Look, I just came to apologize. I shoulda never said you were nuts. You obviously do this for a very good reason, and you probably make a pretty good living at it, too.
[suspiciously] You're not thinking of going into this yourself?
You mean scooping? I have no immediate plans.
An excellent living.
Really.
I collect and sell it for fertilizer.
So you must know your-
Like nobody else.
So where do you find it all?
Stables, pony rides, but they're not my biggest source...
Meat packing plants.
The mother load.
Let me ask you a question. Have you noticed any subtle differences in the product at these various plants?
I'll check my database.
Great. Here's my card, give me a call. And to show my appreciation, I'm gonna point out that you missed something really nice behind that bucket, there.
Why, thank you!
[Ray and Fraser are trapped inside a meat locker. Both have meat wrapped around them and Ray is wearing Fraser's Stetson]
Some people die in their sleep. Others die making love to a beautiful woman. I am going to die wrapped in meat.
Don't talk, Ray. You're expending body heat.
I'm going to freeze to death inside My Friend Flicka.
This better be real important.
We got a cop and a Mountie in the freezer.
[Laughing] That's what I love about the meat business. Brings something new everyday.
[Packer opens the door to the meat locker where Ray and Fraser are wrapped in meat]
Shoot 'em!
[Fraser leaps into action, warding off the thugs. A thug shoots at Fraser, but Fraser uses a solid, meat-wrapped, Ray as a shield. He and Ray quickly exit the meat locker]
He shot me!
The bullet couldn't penetrate the frozen meat.
[Fraser locks the door and adjusts the temperature]
You used me as a human shield! [whispering] I can't believe you did that!
[Fraser and Stephanie helped Mrs. Gamez move back into her apartment]
And I really want to thank him for everything he has done. In fact, I want to give him a big hug, but I'm afraid I will wrinkle him.
I know what you mean.
[Mario has just spent some time listening to Ray talk about his policeman adventures]
[Ray has just exited] Thanks. I think you really made his day.
It's okay, he actually was interesting.
Really? Hmm...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Due South pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
