Designing Women · Season 1
There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.
Among obnoxious people...
No, among their friends and relations.
[each set of quotation marks signifies quotation mark hand gestures]
Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.
Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"
But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?
Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.
How do you know?
I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?
(dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.
Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!
"Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.
Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.
Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.
Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!
I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.
Really, Anthony? When was that?
That was the day I entered prison.
Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?
I think you need a date — bad!!
You think so?
Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.
[Allison walks in while Anthony is pretending to be Carlene's boyfriend to help her impress her ex-husband and gets frustrated because she feels like she never knows what is going on.]
I cannot believe that this woman blows into town five minutes ago and already she's got a best friend and a boyfriend — not the ones I would choose, but still! I mean, I think I'm attractive, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a boyfriend. And for some reason none of the women at work wanna marry me.
[After finding out everyone has been lying all along and she wasn't in on the deception:]
Y'know, you people are all just messing with me. And I would like to tell you something . . . I wouldn't marry any of you girls if you begged me to!
Wh- What's wrong with your voice? It sounds low.
(deep voice) I have a code. Allison Sugarbaker, Dwayne Dobber.
(to Allison, who is concerned that Barry is out to get revenge on her) If he tries anything, you can just unleash your secret weapon — and sleep with him.
[Julia gets a hold of Donald Trump's private number and gives "The Donald" a call]
Hello? Mr. Trump? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm just calling you to say — on behalf of the American public — Mr. Trump, we no longer care who you date, we really don't. You are no longer obligated to alert the news media everytime your pants are on fire because we don't care. So please feel free to fire all your hacks, flacks and publicists employed for this purpose because — and I repeat — we...don't...care! Who am I? Well, you've never met me, but you can just call me....The Julia.
[T. Tommy Reed makes Allison dance with him when the crew is all locked in the prison rec. room with him.]
This is very strange... kinda like watching a combination of American Bandstand and America's Most Wanted.
Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.
Oh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.
Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
Thank you, Bernice.
And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
[Mary Jo goes berzerk as Bette Davis about women's rights in front of the news cameras...]
All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"
[Mary Jo's brother plans to take young Quint hunting and fill her freezer...]
You know, you can lease a freezer for that. Before Dwayne, I went out with this guy named Lyle — but everybody called him Booger — and he used to keep his game in one of those rented lockers. I remember for dinner he'd take me down there and let me pick out my meat myself . . . I felt just like a princess.
Y'know Carlene. You've told two stories involving this man already this week. I kinda hope this concludes the Booger Trilogy.
(singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man . . . where did you go? . . .
Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift.
My father used to propose toasts all the time, so here it goes: Here's to the ones that wish us well and those who don't can go to hell!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
