Designing Women · Season 1
(talkin about her blind date) If this guy turns out to be a jerk I'm in the nearest cab.
That'll be a little hard in a drive-in theater.
Yeah you just watch me, I'm gonna take my porta-phone. I'm past 30 — I don't have to put up with any crap anymore.
[Bernice talks about almost getting the ladies Thigh Masters for Christmas. Carlene has one....]
That Suzanne Sommers says you can do it anywhere, right? So I did. I went to the laundramat and I was doing it, you know, and I was waiting for my clothes to dry... and they asked me to leave
[They just find out another design firm has stolen their yuletide house design.]
I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.
You see. this is exactly what i was talking about. Extra-terrestrial activity sponsored by the ku klux klan!
[After the Shaming Ceromony of Anthony...]
That's it? That's the Shaming Ceremony You should call that the Boring Ceremony. I've shamed him better myself. If you really want to shame somebody, you gotta go for their underwear.
[The Wild Men confess that their father's didn't teach them how to cry, so they felt betrayed.]
Please, if you wanna feel like crying, try being one of those women who hold down a job, raise a family on the side, watch their legal rights erode year after year, and are still being told that women's liberation has gone too far, that outta make you feel like crying. Hoooo!
[Carlene shares her newly written song.]
[(singing)]
Remember the good old days.
Remember the good old days.
They were good...
They were old...
They were days...
[Julia is forced to endure a bus trip with Mary Jo and her mother, and Mary Jo has just finished telling her mother that she's been visiting a sperm bank trying to get pregnant.]
Julia, would you excuse us please.
Well, of course Ms. Jackson, but I don't know exactly where I would go.
[(Mary Jo nods toward the bus restroom)]
Mary Jo, I hope that was just a nervous tick brought on by some dread neurological disease, and not a suggestion that I return to that bathroom!
[(Mary Jo looks at the bathroom)]
(groaning . . . ) What I do for my friends . . .
[(Julia gets up and goes to the bathroom — taking a deep breath before entering)]
Mary Jo, when I mentioned Miss Pixie(her cat) getting in trouble, that didn't mean I didn't love those kittens. I mean, you know I loved them!
[(opens the bathroom door and desperately exhales) BLUHHHHHHHHHHH... Just getting some air(sucks in air and closes the door)]
So what are you saying Mama?
I'm saying, that I love you, and that I would love to have another grandchild!
You would?
And if you have to do it with some sperm club, then I can understand that.
So what you're telling me is that it's ok with you if I just wanna stand by the dryer vent and see what comes in?
Well I wish you wouldn't put it just that way, but umm...
Well I'm going to take that as your unqualified approval.
Thank you
BLUHHHHHHHHH(violently exhaling) . . . I'm sorry, but I cannot stand it in there one more minute! I can put a pillow over my head, I can put my fingers in my ears, and hum Meliconi, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back in that bathroom!!!!
Hi everybody! I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't resist finding out what 'Live, Totally, Nude' was all about!!
Well what is it all about?
Listen sister, I'm not telling. If you want to know, you go pay $17.50 for a bad Mai Tai, and then we'll talk. Dear me — what is that awful smell? Has somebody been spraying for bugs?
No, that's some of Carlene's home-made potpourri, we all won some as a door prize.
Well, you need to take that and get the hell outta here...it stinks!!
Who's she talkin' to?
SHHHH--the queen of England!
(snatching the receiver from Carelene) Yo MOMMA!!!
[Anthony has just announced his engagement to Vanessa Chamberlain, a woman he barely knows from whom the ladies thought he was just soliciting decorating business.]
I cannot tell y'all what a shock it was when you said those words "I'm engaged." I mean, I will never get over it for as long as I live. It reminded me of one of those cartoons where somebody's hair just stands right on end. I swear . . . I wanted to grab my own hair and just go . . . boiiing!!
[Bernice has just shown up before Anthony arrives with Vanessa Chamberlain, a hopefully future client of Sugarbaker And Associates...]
Well, hi there, Bernice. You're rather early.
I know I wasn't supposed to come until tonight, but now I am just bored out of my skull living at Leisure Land. They're so conservative there. You can't do a thing. Just buy a pushup bra and you cause a damn scandal!
Bernice, you seem so allusive and abrasive and with it today. Are you feeling O.K.?
Oh, I feel great! I think this new pushup bra is redirecting the artillery flow to my brain. When I woke up this morning, I could see that it was all system's go. I said: "Bernice, start your engines."
Um, Bernice, y'know we're going to be awfully busy today, and maybe you might want to go up to Julia's study and watch TV. After all, we're going to be so busy with Miss Chamberlain all afternoon, and that would be just boring for Bernice.
Are you talking about that rich girl you sent Anthony out to date, in hope that she would hire you to redecorate her father's hotel chain?
Bernice, how did you get that idea?
I didn't. I just guessed. Ooh, Bernice, you are hot today! It must be the bra.
Bernice, there is no way you could've just guessed that. Now, how did you know?
Well, actually, Anthony and Vanessa Chamberlain came by my apartment last night while they were on a date.
Bernice, Anthony is not dating Vanessa Chamberlain to procure work for us. They had a business dinner, and it was strictly business. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yes, I do. You're trying to convince me that you aren't a pimp.
[Sitting by Bernice] Bernice, you see Anthony and Vanessa met after she ran into him in her Austin-Healey convertible, and then he found out her father owns this big chain of bed and breakfast inns and they need a decorator. So he's kinda courting her, but it's not really romantic or anything.
Well it sure looked romantic when they were pressing their lips together in front of my door...
Bernice, you actually saw that?
Oh yes, I did, before I opened the door. You should get one of those peep holes or a video camera. It's just hours of fun.
This is great, Julia! If they were really kissing, then it means we've got the job.
Allison, that's not what it means. Actually, I'm not sure what it means.
I know what it means. It means you guys used Anthony as date bait and it worked.
Well, Anthony doesn't need to stay in her good graces on our account.
Excuse me, Julia, but there is a recession on, and we need this job. If we get it, it will be the biggest one this firm's ever gotten.
Don't worry about Anthony. He's not suffering, believe me. They were really going to town outside my door last night.
Bernice, you've got to be exaggerating. Anthony has not said one word about being attracted to this person.
Well, that doesn't mean a thing, Carlene. I'm sure he hasn't said a word about being attracted to me either.
Anthony was attracted to you?
Not was, Carlene---is. Can't you tell the electricity when we're both in the same room at the same time?
No.
Oh, I feel sorry for you people with your sad, little anemic lives. Not only has passion never knocked on your doors, it doesn't even know where you live.
"Steadman, I want you to stop giving these women refills."
"That little on pinched me... in front."
(Riding on a mechanical bull) "Hey Anthony, wadda ya say we try out this bondage wheel? go on, get up there on it!"
"I don't think so Mary Jo. Black people aren't too fund of bondage. We think that is reluncdant"
"Dial 1-800 EAT MY SHORTS!"
(Walking in his bedroom.) "Dwayne, what are you doing in here?"
"Oh, Anthony! this is not what it looks like."
"Well, whatever it is, you are doing it in my room."
"Your room, I thought this was the guess room."
"Unh, Unh, this is not the guess room. This is my room, and those are my sheets, and you are NAKED on my SHEETS!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
