TV show quotes
[A hillbilly family adamantly asks the ladies to dance.]
Excuse me, I may as well tell you that like Charlene here, I'm a little under the weather myself. You know, PMS.
PM what?
Female trouble!
Oh, well then maybe you better have a consultation with Nub.
On second thought, let's boogie.
All right. That's it. Now you listen to me, and you listen good. We have had just about as much of you people as we gonna take. I don't know what glacier you stepped out of, but my advice to you is to take yourself and your three slack-jawed sons down to the nearest mental health clinic.
(in a deep disguised voice) Excuse me for just a second will you?... (anthony walks to the door and screams for help) HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!
[After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:]
Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?
Suzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.
Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.
"Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?
[The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
[Charlene goes to see her cousin Mavis, who she recently found out is a victim of spousal abuse.]
Mavis, I've been so upset since the other night. I just can't stop thinking about you.
Yeah, I've been thinking about our whole family — how much I miss Mama and Daddy.
They wouldn't want you to live this way.
Y'know it's funny, but I haven't really felt alive in a long time. And I've forgotten what I used to be like. Every once in a while there's this little voice inside that says, "Hey. It's me. It's Mavis. I'm still in here." But basically I've been dead. And then two things happened — this baby and seeing you again.
Then all you have to do it get Ginny, Julie and Kate and come with me now. After the show we'll go back to my house. You can all stay with Bill and me until we can find you an apartment.
I can't afford that.
Mavis, you can't afford not to. There are places you can go for help, but first we have to get you out of here.
I get an allowance! I don't have any money to move into an apartment.
You do now (handing Mavis an envelope). This is from Bill and me, and the other check is from the rest of us for helping us rehearse.
Oh, Charlene. This is too much. I mean, how could they do this? They don't even know me.
That's just the way they are. That's why they're my friends. The fifty dollars is from Anthony.
(starting to cry) I don't know what to say.
Just say you'll do it! Now, Mavis, I have to go. If you won't come with me right now, I'll be at the Arts Center until 11:00. Just get your girls and come. Just take this first step. I will be by your side the whole way.
I'm so ashamed. I don't know how I ever let it get to this point.
It's ok. Just remember, you don't have to take this, cuz we're the rowdy girls, remember?
Yes, I remember.
[Suzanne enters at the talent show in her Supreme dress and in the black makeup...]
Suzanne, I can't believe that's actually you in that get-up! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Why? I think I'm the one that looks perfect. It's you that looks silly.
Would you get out there? You are supposed to be on!
Wait just a minute. Our number is next, and don't you dare come near us.
Julia, what are you talkin' about? I have to be with you! I'm a Supreme!
Listen, I don't give a damn if you're a California raisin! You stay away from us!
(reading a tabloid) I can't believe this. Did you see this? Droves of vicious killer bees are headed toward the United States. They're from South America, expected to arrive in three to four years. That is terrible. Can you imagine? I'll bet our bees are scared to death.
[Bernice questions as to why Suzanne is in Greece.]
We think she's gone to pay her respects to the sacred ground where Jackie O. got her twenty million dollar settlement. And on her way home she'll probably wisk off to New York to have a little meet and greet with Joanna Carson, culminating the international rich bitch alimony tour.
[The ladies try to convince Bernice's niece not to have her committed.]
"It seems to me that you've built your entire case around two Dicks and a hat."
And just for the record, I think you should know, even if Bernice were crazy, that doesn't necessarily mean she should be put away.
What are you saying?
I'm saying this is the South. And we're proud of our crazy people. We don't hide them up in the attic. We bring 'em right down to the living room and show 'em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they're on.
Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?
Both.
Well, for starters, she didn't wear a top for seven straight days. You know, just any excuse to go around naked and act like you don't speak English. If the sun came out, that top came off. If the sun went in, that top came off. If the moon came up, that top came off. I tell ya, in my whole life, I never been so sick and tired lookin' at one girl's breasts.
[To the judge in chambers...]
Basically, it isn't just one thing, it's a bunch of odd things that Aunt Bernice does. She puts sheep placenta on her face before going to bed, and she keeps these small dolls in her closet with pins stuck through the necks. And the only picture in her bedroom is not of my sons, instead it's of some big dumb pig and says "May all your dreams come true. Love, Neal."
Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't see what's weird about that. I have some myself — it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.
And whenever we go to McDonald's, she always wants to know what the fish is like. And I always have to say, "It's square fish, Phyllis. Okay?"
[Julia gets her head stuck in the banister of the Governor's Mansion before the ball and gets bawled out by the mansion manager.]
You know, I'm sorry but I don't think we like your tone of voice. Who do you think you're talkin' to? For your information, we are the Sugarbaker sisters of Atlanta. We had people living here long before it burned. Our great-great grandfather was Robert E. Lee's roommate in college. Our other grandfather helped write the Georgia Constitution. I myself have stood in the rose garden with Jimmy Carter. So even if we do, on this particular day, happen to have our head temporarily stuck in a fence, we are not going to take any crap off some two-bit, low-level bureaucratic usherette.
"Yo, Governor!. Got our head stuck in the fence. Can't get it out. And Miss Betts won't give us a saw!" What's hard to understand?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
