I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.
Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"
Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.
Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.
Well, just excuse me for livin'. It wasn't something I was going to particularly enjoy myself, anyway.
[The ladies head to Japan by plane to visit their mother and pick up Suzanne's new car.]
I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.
And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.
It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.
You should sit here. I should sit in the middle.
It's too late Julia, I called dibs.(to Japanese looking man sitting by the window) Didn't I? Ah, you don't understand. They probably don't have dibs in your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands.(to Julia) By the way, just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to sit by the window. He's sittin' in my seat.(to man by the window) Excuse me! Excuse me! Julia, give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say "you just get your little butt out of my window seat right this minute"?
I guess I’m excited about seeing mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".
Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I’ve noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they’re talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now I say, I don’t hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?
[They are stranded in the airport with their money and luggage stolen. Julia makes a phone call:]
You are the American Consulate, aren't you? I mean, I thought you were supposed to give us shelter or something. No! I don't want the number of the Holiday Inn. Okay. That's it. I want your name right now. Carl Lonias. Okay, Carl. I just want you to know, that when I get back to the United States, I will find you again, and you are going to be punished. You can count on it.
[Sam, the guy from the plane, lets the ladies sleep with him in his hotel cubicle.]
Will you please take your hand off my breast.
Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be quiet and go to sleep.
[Suzanne and Mary Jo cruise the grocery store:]
Well, all this stuff's got to go. And may I remind you, Mary Jo, we are not lookin' for men. I'm helping you.
Now Suzanne, I need this stuff.
Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who is wheelin' around a 25 pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex. I mean, you might as well just top it off with that giant bottle of Milk of Magnesia. What we need to get ya are some seductive groceries, okay? Like a little pate, some chilled wine, flowers.
Hey, why don't we just go all the way and fill up the baby seat with beer and contraceptives.
[Suzanne and Mary Jo walk into a class filled with women.]
Is this the Advanced Auto Mechanics class?
I think you must have a curse on you or something, Mary Jo. I could sit in a convent for two minutes and meet a man, but you, you're just poison.
Suzanne, it's just human nature. People love to see beautiful women get old or fat.
All my life I've had to fight my weight, and I admit, food has been my security blanket. But also, I just gain weight more easily than some people, like you... you've always had that tiny waist and those skinny little legs. But I can't be that, and people have always tried to make me be that.
Suzanne, you're not alone. I'd be willing to bet most of the people in this country are overweight.
The point is it's different for women, especially beautiful women. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. I bet I've seen National Velvet maybe twenty times, and if she never did anything else in her life, what a contribution that was. But all of a sudden because she got fat, it was like she no longer had the right to live in this country. That's how I feel right now. Drugs, alcohol, cancer... whatever your problems, people are sympathetic.....unless you're fat, and then you're supposed to be ashamed. I mean, everything is set up to tell you that; magazine covers, clothes. 'If you're not thin, you're not neat, and that's it.' And if looks are all you've ever had...
What do you mean 'If looks are all you ever had'? Suzanne, first of all don't be a dummy. Your looks will never be in the past tense. That face speaks for itself, and it's here to stay. And secondly, even if that weren't so... who cares!
I mean, you and I are getting pretty far along in life, and I have been able to figure out a couple of things.
Are you gonna give me the key?
Yes, as a matter-of-fact I am. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you. You have to be exactly who and what you want to be. Most everyone is floating along on phony public relations. People who say being beautiful, or rich or thin makes them happy — people who are trying to make their marriages and their children seem better than they actually are.... and for what?! Appearances. Appearances don't count for diddly! In the end, all the really matter is what was true, and truly said, and how we treated one another. And that's it.
[A shocked Suzanne gets up at her high school reunion to accept the award for 'Person-Most-Changed'.]
Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but.... not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful... and what I find out was that I'm fat... at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion, and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older, and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.
