"Because I have had it up to hear with your I's and one's and everything that comes from Mount Julia!"
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
"Well, FAR be it!"
"I said, PROOFREAD IT! That means, SPELL CHECK. And AS for YOUR OPINION, sometimes we don't want to hear your opinion, and sometimes we don't care if you have an opinion, and sometimes, maybe someday that you will write this down Julia.....SOMETIMES, YOUR OPINION IS WROOOOOOOOOOONNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(to a man in a truck-stop diner) I'll be your long-haul momma, if you'll be my hard-driving man.
[Carlene, as she hangs upside down on some exercise equipment, to Julia:]
Hey, Julia . . . I can see up your nose from here.
"Everytime I spend the evening with you BJ, I always end up on a contraption upside down."
[B.J. plans to take everyone to Las Vegas to cheer Anthony up after his broken engagement.]
B.J., you have no way of knowing this, but every adventure I've ever gone on with these women — from going to Graceland when it was closed to spending the night wearing pantyhose in a ten degree motel room with Suzanne Sugarbaker — has just ended up as a total disaster. Y'know, this just may be the adventure that I've been waiting for... the one that just finishes me off.
Is that a yes?
I'll get my bags.
[The ladies rush into Anthony's hotel room to tell him about their winnings and find him asleep with a showgirl.]
I just can't believe you! I thought you were up here nursing a broken heart... but here you are hokey-pokeying with some showgirl!
(looking over at the sleeping girl) Who the hell is that?
Oh c'mon, Anthony! It's your little friend from the Follies Bergere!
But how the hell did she get in my bed?!
Boy... if you can pull that one off you're my first choice for this year's Academy Award.
Look... I'm not kidding!! I don't have any idea how she got here! Oooh... my head.....
You know, this girl is really a snoozer. I think that we should get her up and slap her around and make her tell us what happened.
Bernice. Please, You're not gonna slap anybody's face."
Bernice: Well, Excuse me again, Miss Warbond. But I don't think you single handedly lead this wagon train to Las Vegas.
This is like some kind of a nightmare!
Oh yeah, that's horrible. A beautiful, voluptuous showgirl comes into your hotel room, takes her clothes off, sleeps with you... I imagine you'll block it out, just like Vietnam.
"Anthony, did they hurt you? Do you need mouth to mouth?"
"Nah, they didn't."
"Listen up people, you mess with my homeboy, and I'll get busy with you! (Barking) WOOF! WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!
" Calm down! CALM DOWN! Nobody's gonna hurt you. Nobody's gonna hurt anybody."
"How do I know that you're telling me the truth?!"
[B.J. shows up for work depressed and with her head covered in a scarf.]
In an impulsive moment of stupidity I've just made myself the victim of public humiliation and ruined my entire life.
B.J., what did you do?!
She's changed her hairdo.
How'd you know?
Because that's just the kind of thing that women do when they come up against a milestone event. They either sell their house or decide to become a therapist . . . or go completely crazy and change their hair. The scarf was a dead giveaway.
Well, thank you, Mary Jo. I came in here feeling like I was stupid. Now I know it's worse . . . I'm a stupid cliche.
"Do you know what I really enjoy?"
BMrs. Beecham
"As if we'd care."
"Stop right there sister, you can peck at the chickens, but don't mess with the mother hen."
BMrs. Beecham
"Do I have to listen to this barnyard babble from this silly-old goose?!"
(Jumps up out of the sofa, and demands a challenge to Mrs. Beecham.) "That doe's it! Let's take this outside! Hold me back, I'm gonna knock her block off!"
(Restrains and calms Bernice down.) "Bernice, Bernice!"
(In a seance trance.) "OOOOh OOOOh OOOOh. Somethin is happenin Mrs. Beecham! I can feel his presence. He's with us HMM! The next voice you hear, will be none other than your dead, dearly, deported Irwiiiinnn!
BMrs. Beecham
"Irwin, tell me what to do?
"Don't move, Stay right where you are!
BMrs. Beecham
"Yes Irwin! I will! I'll stay here forever!"
KMr. Kearney
"Well, Thank you so much for sharing that with me BJ. Ladies as of right now, You are all fired. Pleasure doing business with you."
"Fired? did-di-did he said "Fired"? No, wait a minute, he said Ladies, You are fired. Ladies!... Oh, I'm sorry y'all I didn't know what came over me. War is hell!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.