Nah, five deaths is not a disaster.
How many deaths is a disaster?
More than five. Five's bullshit.
How many?
16 to 20, disaster; 21 and up, catastrophe; 8 to 15 is a calamity.
7 and under?
That's a cryin' shame.
S2 E1Send in the Clown
Are you going to finish those hashbrowns?
Probably not.
(he takes them from her plate and eats them. Roxie stabs him with her knife but he moves his hand just in time.)
Fucking bloody hell.
I'm outta here.
Did you see that? I mean just because I wanted some of her hashbrowns.
I was there.
I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.
Oh, that was almost clever.
What was almost clever, Rube?
The thing about the hashbrowns being small potatoes.
I don't get it...because hashbrowns are small potatoes.
Never mind.
S2 E2The Ledger
[Mason practices at being the world's most incompetent shell game actor.]
You know why people play the shell game?
Because they think they can beat the odds.
Wrong. They think they can beat you. They think they're smarter than you. [pause] In this case, they're right.
I'm smarter than you think.
You smart enough to play stupid?
I am so smart, I'm practically retarded.
SESecurity Expert
Ripoff. Report... Identify... Prove... Ostracize... Fire.
[aside, to Delores] Rip-of?
SESecurity Expert
You got a problem there Millie?
[aka Millie] You misspelled ripoff. You dropped an 'f'.
SESecurity Expert
Oh I see. We have ourselves a smart-ass.
Don't you mean smart as?
S2 E3Ghost Story
When I was your age, I used to treat the crust like it was just there to hold the good stuff in. I used to leave the whole back end of it on the plate. As I got older, I learned to appreciate the crust.
[voiceover] Once upon a time, there was a girl named George. Who couldn't quite forget… there was once upon a time.
George [after being asked what animal she thought best described her] I'm a cat. I mean not like a house cat, not like Murray, Delores. I'm a stray, who wanders the streets alone, kind of distant and mean. I'm not a cat you'd wanna pet or bring home to your kids... you just don't know where those claws are, ya know, and I'm a black cat and I have many, many lives... and now you know who I am.
S2 E4The Shallow End
You do that, you know. You withhold the love.
How can I withhold that which I do not possess?
TTheo
Relax, son, they're just balls.
S2 E5Hurry
[A woman cuts in line at the post office]
Afternoon, ladies. Are you two old friends?
WWoman
Eh, her daughter is in my son's class.
I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?
WWoman
Excuse me?
Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
WWoman
Uhm. No?
So it's just you then.
WWoman
I have children in the car.
I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter. She's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that — it's shameful.
Everyone says "live in the now," but that's bullshit. I mean, who lives in the moment? We're too busy thinking about what happens next... or what didn't happen at all.
S2 E6In Escrow
[Crystal and George/Millie are chuckling over a digestively challenged applicant. Dolores is unamused.]
Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a serious affliction. Most people don't know this, but Marilyn Monroe had IBS.
Is that what blew her skirt up?
[Dolores has just given George a new assignment to pick an applicant for a new pharmaceutical company account]
GMGeorge/Millie
Backup. Did you just say choose, me?
No I said, "You choose." You're in a new position now. You're like, the prettiest girl at prom, or the sluttiest girl if you went to Catholic school. You get to pick.
S2 E7Rites of Passage
You know, when you're young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top… sex is this big buffet, and you're just a… fat man with a fork, but… as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.
S2 E8The Escape Artist
[Roxy gives Mason a hard time about ordering a drink during an airplane flight reap.]
Roxy, I've never flown before. I'm a bit nervous, all right?
Well, congratulations, baby! Drink up. Buckle up. And don't fuck it up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dead Like Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.