Pacey Witter quotes from Dawson's Creek

Pacey

So what is the name of this place we're going to, anyway?

Charlie

Uh, the 'Drunk and the Dead.'

Pacey

Oh, that sounds like a nice family joint.

Audrey

Let's just enjoy this for what it is, a wacky road trip high jinx with a motley crew and their collective sexual tension.

Pacey

Throw in a bag of pork rinds, you got yourself a deal.

Pacey

[after having sex] I am more glad. I am gladder. Gladdest. And I can't feel anything below my waist. Is that supposed to happen?

Audrey

Give me another hour, you'll be in a coma.

Pacey

[panting] Where... on Earth... did you learn how to do that?

Audrey

National Geographic.

Pacey

So this is spring break, it doesn't really look like the brochures.

Audrey

Hey. I provided the house, you people we supposed to bring on the fun. There are some pizzas.

Joey

We could rent some movies...

Pacey

...or play strip poker.

NO!

Pacey

Come on, its not like I haven't seen you all naked before. Ok, ok. We'll rent movies.

Jack

I think it's ok to get back to Grams'. She and Mr. Smalls have to be done practicing choir by now.

Pacey

You don't really believe that they asked you to leave so that they could rehearse "Jesus loves me" in private, do you?

What is going on here?

Pacey

You, sir, are witnessing a coup d'etat. [Pacey reaches into his pocket, pulls out a note, and reads as the rest of the staff enters] "It is my unfortunate duty as duly designated representative of the staff of Civilization to inform you that, in hiring Miss Alexandra Pearl as the manager of this restaurant, you have made a grievous error in judgment. In her short time here, she has demonstrated not only complete incompetence, but an--"

Stop it right now. Stop.

Pacey

Oh, I'm not finished yet. "Not only complete incompetence, but an utter disrespect for all of her employees. She's manipulative, vindictive, and cruel, and she has created an environment so hostile and unpleasant that we feel it is impossible for us to serve today's meal at a level representative of our abilities."

So...no lunch?

Pacey

On the contrary. I brought enough pizza for everybody.

Mr. Devaney, everyone, Pacey Witter is a deeply disturbed and highly delusional young man who has become increasingly obsessed with me.

Pacey

That is a good move. Very clever.

It's okay, Pacey. This is clearly the result of some sort of a breakdown. Now, I can assure you that all of his statements are nothing more than the ramblings of a lunatic and in no way are indicative of the feelings of my otherwise amazing staff.

Actually, they are indicative of the feelings of the rest of the staff... really indicative. Completely indicative.

Pacey, you're fired!

Pacey

Yeah. Reap the whirlwind, babe.

Jack

What do you know about selling stocks?

Pacey

Not a damn thing, but Audrey's father seems to think I'd be good at it. He told me I'm a natural born hustler and I should take advantage of it while I can.

Jack

Well, you got to admit, Pace, you do possess the appropriate degree of obnoxiousness for that particular vocation.

Witter!

Pacey

Rinaldi.

That's "sir" until you buy me flowers, Witter. Where have you been?

Pacey

I'm really sorry. I was just under the impression that I wasn't supposed to be here until 9:00.

Ahh, "supposed to." Well, that's cute. Are you supposed to dress yourself, or does your mommy actually want you to look like a pansy? Look around. You see these guys? Apparently, these gentlemen are free thinkers. Since you've yet to grow a pair, you get stuck with these. [Hands him a stack of folders]

Pacey

And what's all this?

That is a collection of about 30 cold days in hell: Rich guys sittin' on piles of money so high that their daughters eloped and sold their own babies on the black market just to put ramen on the table. We have never been able to sell them stock, and they will certainly never buy it from the tardy likes of you. You better get on the phone. We work on commission here. And the guys on your list don't know how dreamy you are, so I would work that blue collar charm full-throttle. Stop battin' your eyes at me.

Pacey

Is this some sort of punishment?

I'm just tryin' to get you to leave. I don't have enough desks.

Jen

You're not going to regret this, I swear. You're here, you're not in a suit. This is good. This is very, very good. Where is everybody else?

Pacey

They're at the concession stand. Jack and Emma, and, uh... the guy and the guy's friend.

Jen

Yeah, well, his name is David, which you might want to remember. I think he's going to stick.

Pacey

What, you possess the psychic ability to see into the future of relationships now?

Jen

Yes, just not my own.

Pacey

Hey. I did call you, you know.

Audrey

I know. At least I figured that I shouldn't talk to you until I hated you a little less.

Pacey

Oh, well... how's that going for you?

Audrey

It's going, yeah. The problem is now I kind of hate myself, but, uh...

Pacey

Audrey, can we go talk a walk? Maybe talk someplace that's a little quieter and slightly more private before all the madness starts?

Audrey

[Chuckles] You really are an old man, aren't you?

Joey

Audrey! Lay off.

Audrey

What's your problem, princess? I was sticking up for Joe Dirt over there.

Pacey

Oh, this isn't going to end well.

Audrey

Would you shut up, Pacey?

Pacey

You're out of line, Audrey.

Audrey

Of course I am. Anyone messes with the one that got away and you get all up on your high horse, don't you?

Jen

Audrey...

Audrey

Oh, excellent, another party heard from. What's your problem, Lindley?

Jen

I think you're the one with the problem.

Audrey

Oh! How devilishly clever of you, Jen. [Pause] Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy, because I am sorry about that.

Jen

What are you even doing here?

Audrey

I missed my flight, bitch! Which is really, terribly unfortunate, because if you think that spending Christmas on Walton Mountain is my idea of a good time, than you all are about as high as I am right now.

Gail

Audrey? Why don't you go lie down?

Audrey

Oh, you know, thanks for that Gail, really, but I think I'm kinda just getting started here. Do any of you have have any idea how hypocritical this whole little gathering is? I mean, I'd be flying high on a pleasingly potent cocktail of vodka and painkillers and thank you, by the way, Gail, for the painkillers. But I seem to be seeing things a little clearer than-than any of you. Dawson. Pacey. You guys hate each other, don't you? You're never going to-to be able to mend this little rift that exists between the two of you, so-so why do you even bother with the charade? And Dawson and Joey. [Laughs] Here you are, both of you, all grown-up and so very pleased with yourselves and each with your little significant other by your side respectively and while I will give you that it does make for a pretty picture, the truth of the matter is that you guys finally slept together and you've never really dealt with it. And neither of you are going to be able to have a relationship with anyone else till you finally just deal with your crap once and for all. And...as for you, Pacey, I'm really sorry that Audrey Hepburn next to you broke your heart all those years ago and has prevented you from ever fully committing to an adult relationship...but you know what? Just grow up.

Joey

Oh. I forgot. You're still not over me.

Pacey

[chuckles] Really?

Joey

Oh, remember? Christmas dinner from hell? That was one of Audrey's enlightened comments, you're still not over me.

Pacey

Right. Of course.

Joey

That must suck.

Pacey

Oh, it does. You have no idea the hardships I go through trying to maintain a friendship with a dream girl such as yourself. You have no idea.

Joey

Gets lonely?

Pacey

It does. I cry myself to sleep every night, but Jack and I cuddle. That eases the pain. He's very loving. [they both laugh]

Pacey

But I'm glad you had a good time, you deserved it. And you are a lovely and wise drunk, Miss Potter. [Pause. Then Pacey leans toward Joey] What you said earlier was right. I never did. How could I? Just look at you.

Joey

You know what else we never did? [After a pause, Joey kisses him then lays back down on the bed.] Your turn now. [Pacey smiles and kisses her forehead]

Pacey

Sweet Dreams, Joey.

Joey

What the hell is happening to my butt right now?

Pacey

That'll be the seat warmer, which comes standard on all your finer German automobiles.

Joey

Huh. My lower half thanks you for moving so far up the socio-economic ladder.

Pacey

Ok, let’s...just... take a little time out, because you and I... we're not actually having this conversation.

Joey

Oh, why? 'Cause you don't want to talk about sex with me?

Pacey

Ha! Do you want to talk about sex with me?

Joey

Well, no, but... I usually don't want to talk about sex with anybody.

Pacey

Thank you for proving my point. Now, if we could move on, I think our night will be much, much more pleasant.

Joey

After you tell me why you don't want to talk about sex with me.

Pacey

All right, one would think this would be obvious, but fine. Perhaps it has something to do with how calm and cool and non-judgmental you are about the whole thing.

Joey

Oh, you know what? I don't approve. Ok? There. I said it. And I refuse to sit here and pretend like this is all just fine, 'cause it's ridiculous.

Pacey

Do you hear yourself? You can't help it! This is why we don't talk about sex. It's actually the secret to our entire friendship.

Joey

You've lost me in your sea of pronouns.

Pacey

Well, ok. We are friends. Right?

Joey

Yes.

Pacey

So what is the secret to our long-lasting and angst-free friendship? What is the one thing that keeps it going year after year after year after year?

Joey

We suck at meeting new people.

Pacey

Wrong. We do not, under any circumstance, talk about sex. I may be having it, you may be thinking about having it, but we don't discuss it. That way we avoid the awkwardness, and in avoiding the awkwardness, we are able to maintain our friendship. You see, it's a preventative measure. I solved the problem before it even starts.

Joey

But, Pacey...if we're such good friends, why is there any awkwardness in the first place?

Pacey

Because not too long ago, we were more than just good friends, now, weren't we?

Joey

Yeah, but we're not anymore.

Pacey

But that doesn't matter. The damage is already done.

Joey

What, so as far as you're concerned, I slept with you, and then I took myself in and got revirginized?

Pacey

In my mind? Yes.

Joey

Ok, so basically what you're saying is that the only way you and I can continue being friends is if we lie to each other about our sex lives... if we take that whole giant aspect of our lives and just... pretend like it doesn't exist?

Pacey

Worked for you and Dawson.