Still trying to figure out where I got my poison ivy.
Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.
Are you worried about yours?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Where there's a microscope, there's always a slide.
Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.
KFKaren Fielding
[at a wine auction] Do you really need it, Mr. Carsini?
Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.
You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?
JSJoan Stacey
No, but...
Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?
JSJoan Stacey
Three times.
Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.
That's ironic.
Sir?
Well, I-I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and-and told you it was because it was overheated.
Yes, sir. It required a very delicate palate.
KFKaren Fielding
You're trying to turn me back into an employee.
You were never anything but an employee.
KFKaren Fielding
Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.
You can't force me into loving you, Karen.
KFKaren Fielding
Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.
I want you to teach me everything you know.
WEWine Expert
It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.
Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?
WEWine Expert
Oh, just the very basics.
Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?
WEWine Expert
By the price.
Do I get a confession, sir?
Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.
Why's that, sir?
Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.
You've learned very well, Lieutenant.
Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?
Uh.
Sit down, sit down.
So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Oh, that's disheartening.
Officially, that is.
And unofficially?
Unofficially we don't have anything either.
Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?
Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.
Looks very functional.
Thank you.
[Columbo is at Hayward's swanky Beverly Hills tailor ordering a jacket]
What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...
CMr. Chadwick
Would it fit your personality?
My style, is what I'm...
CMr. Chadwick
Personality? Style?
Right.
CMr. Chadwick
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You're sure?
CMr. Chadwick
Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.
Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.
CMr. Chadwick
Splendid, an affair!
Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.
Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.
[laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
What do you mean, sir?
Nothing. It's a small joke.
I dug this bullet out of that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago. [Long pause] You're under arrest, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.