Columbo · Season 1
It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.
You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.
Because that would explain why Miss Martin was so bothered after the operation and it would explain why she wanted to see the chemist at the company that made the suture. That's murder. That certainly is. No question about it.
[Dr. Mayfield starts laughing]
What's so funny?
Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?
[angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Hidemann.
Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.
I want you to take good care of Dr. Hidemann because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.
Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling
Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.
[after discovering that the toothbrush in Dudek's suitcase is not his but his roommate's] Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could not have packed his own suitcase.
That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--
Then his accident was not an accident!
I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.
Well, chess is the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?
You think so? I always thought it was women.
The murderer just had to be a deaf man.
[walking through a casino] How long has this been going on?
First time in Vegas, huh?
Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.
When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were going to meet at 5:00.
You did?
Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.
I would tend to agree with that, yes.
It's a shame that two brothers don't get along like that.
Which one of them do you suspect?
I beg your pardon?
[laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.
Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.
Bum! You are a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! [showing dish to lawyer] You see this!
I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.
Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you. I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant so I don't expect you to like me. But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I, I, I don't know, I just can't correct that. I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy, that's my nature. But I've never been un-, I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck. And, and if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man you worked for for 33 years, well, then, well then I think you're a very unfair person. [leaves]
Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.
Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.
They were written with a black eyebrow pencil. I spotted it right away because that's what my wife always uses when she makes out her grocery list. When she goes into her purse that's the only kind of pencil she can ever find.
Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?
What do you mean?
You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.
Hey, Lieutenant! What are you lookin' for?
Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.
Say, Miss Scott? Can I ask you a personal question?
Yes.
It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.
Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.
No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.
Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
