[hugging Karen] Your hair smells good. Smells like lady hair.
S2 E7In a Lonely Place
How was I supposed to know who his mother was?
Oh, well, if you were not so preoccupied with sticking your dick in any hole that will have you, you might notice these things.
Yes, but you kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don't generally fare well, in the rain and the wind and all that.
Hank, will you shut up, okay?
My homeless dick now must seek shelter from the storm where and whence it can.
Did she say to you, "Oh, Hank, I love your writing"?
You see that? This is why we should be together. You just know my shit. It's perfect.
S2 E11Blues from Laurel Canyon
It's recently come to my attention that men cannot be trusted.
LLew
Truer words have never been spoken.
S3 E1Wish You Were Here
If you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor with a cougar fetish back to my house...
S3 E2The Land of Rape and Honey
When did you become such a little snot?
A rape fantasy? That is just sick Marcy.
Sick? I'm sick? After some of the twisted and depraved shit I have seen you do?
S3 E3Verities & Balderdash
No means no, you know.
S3 E8The Apartment
I can't believe you slept with all of them.
S4 E9Another Perfect Day
I’m warning you; tomorrow I’m going to be pretty pissed at you. Tonight, I’m just high-fiving Jesus that you’re okay.
I’m sorry about the car.
It’s just a car…
You love that car.
No, I love you
I love you too and I’m scared
Why?
I don’t want you to be guilty. I don’t want people to look at you that way. I want them to know how great you can be.
You shouldn’t be thinking about that. That’s too much for your brain. All you should be thinking about is boys and rock ‘n roll and stealing your old man’s car keys. But not anymore because I’ll chop your hands off. Okay?
It was a nice day wasn’t it?
It was. It was really nice. It was the perfect day.
Right up until I ruined it.
You didn’t ruin anything. You just made a mistake. A really terrible mistake, we all do. Look at me, I take a breath and make a mistake. Then we just get back up and shoot for another perfect day.
I’m going to be thinking good thoughts dad, on Monday.
Thank you.
How the fuck did we get here?
I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
Undoubtedly, I am currently accepting blame for everything: volcanoes, earthquakes, oil spills, steroids, rap music… it’s all my fault.
You tricked me, you know? You tricked me, I would hear the doorbell ring and I would be running towards it. I’d be thinking, “I don’t even like this guy, this is just some stupid fling.” Then I would open the door and all of those thoughts would disappear, because I’d see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile.
He was a good guy, that smile. I don’t see him around much anymore. I miss him.
Strange, it changed so fast. Once you were my future, then you were my misery…
Nice…
Now you’re almost my past
Almost…
S5 E10Perverts & Whores
[as Charlie walks away] See you in hell [falsetto] MOTHERFUCKER!
[turns around and yells] Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you!
How was your day... honey?
Uh... weird. I spent the day with perverts and whores.
Well...
Don't worry. I didn't sleep with any of them. Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.
Gross, and I don't even care.
Sure you do, Karen.
No, I don't. Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things.
You do too... have rights. You have the baby mama's bill of rights.
S7 E1Levon
[to Charlie] It's all right. It's all right, baby boy. Tonight we drink. Tomorrow you start making some phone calls. An opportunity will present itself. If not, we can always stuff our pockets full with rocks and walk hand-in-hand into the Pacific.
That sounds romantic.
Just don't come off as one of those snotty, pretentious fucks who looks down on television.
Me? Never.
How is it? [points to a script in Hanks hand]
To be honest, it's like a colonoscopy of the mind.
Hank.
But if he asks, I will tell him it's "totes buckskin brill."
I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too buckskin late.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Californication pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.