“Doublemeat Palace” quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

Sorry, I was just curious.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Buffy

[whispers] Theory number 5: cat burgers.

Xander, he-he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and... he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.

Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?

Well... you know, sometimes I'll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It is incorrect for you to appreciate money so much," or-or, "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."

Oh, so he corrects you?

Buffy

We need to get that burger analyzed. We need to find out if it used to be people.

Xander

[with mouth full] What? People?

Buffy

Xander! You ate the burger?

Xander

Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, "Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh"?

Buffy

I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.

Xander

That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

Xander

Good job, Will! Those aren't, like, potions, are they?

Willow

No. No potions. It's not magic, it's... chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.

Spike

[sighs] Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead.

Xander

Now, I get Warren being a super-villainy type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I've never been heard of this other guy.

Willow

You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat.

Well, if we know where they are, shouldn't we do something?

Willow

We tried. Buffy was gonna go in there and bust 'em on the spot.

Xander

I'm sensing a not-so-completely.

Willow

Yeah, well, she went in and--

Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's gonna be late for her first day.

Willow

Hey, respect the narrative flow much?

Please continue the story of failure.

Willow

So, Buffy went in, but they'd cleared out. Then she brought back the stuff that they left-- some spellbooks, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects and a conjuror's harp. And they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters and pictures of the Vulcan woman on enterprise.

Xander

Ooh! [chuckles] I mean, nerds.

Okay. See, this is why demons are better than people.

Willow

Interesting turn.

When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.

Xander

Welcome to today's episode of Go, Money, Go. I hear it daily.

Willow

Yep, for the rest of your life.

But supervillains, want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor, there can be no payment and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.

Buffy

Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool. And now I know why.

Yeah?

Buffy

Hi. You must be the new manager. I'm Buffy Summers.

I'm Lorraine Ross. They called me in when Manny did his disappearing act. You hear about that? Guy just disappeared.

Buffy

Yeah. I think... I think that used to happen a lot around here.

Buffy Summers. I heard about you. Caused a big scene.

Buffy

Oh, yeah. Practical jokes, not really right for the workplace. I so get that now. Anyway, I just wanted to return my uniform.

Oh. Most people don't even bother.

Buffy

The Doublemeat Medley... is vegetables?

How do you know that?

Buffy

So I guess it's true.

Um, can you close the door? Have a seat. It's a formed and texturized, vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blending with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor.

Buffy

Wait. The secret ingredient in the beef is beef?

Buffy, you know something powerful here. Do you understand that? The Doublemeat reputation is built on a foundation of, well, meat. You can't spread this around.

Buffy

I get that. It's a valuable secret, isn't it?

Is there something you want?

Buffy

I really need money.

You want money?

Buffy

No. well, I mean, yes, but no. I... well, I want to work. See, I have zero money coming in, and there are expenses, and by the time I interview for a new job and get hired and go through a training process... I'd-I'd really like to not be fired anymore.

Well, I don't want anymore practical jokes. I mean it.

Buffy

I promise.

I'm a little shorthanded right now, and you're already trained. I think you cannot be fired.

Buffy

Thank you. That's-that's great, I can do the job. I promise that too.

I certainly hope so. I don't like short-timers, Buffy. I like people who want to be here. Maybe you didn't take this job seriously before, but from now on... See this? I want you to be shooting for this from here on out.

Buffy

Right. Here on out.