Abbi Abrams quotes from Broad City

Abbi Abrams

Time Out New York. Love it. That the warehouse sale is this weekend and I need to find something cool to wear.

Ilana Wexler

No, you don't. You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still.

Abbi Abrams

It's a perfect combo. I mean, it's okay. It's, like, urban. Like Urban Outfitters. Got it. Thank you. To my frond... To the ond.

Ilana Wexler

And to free sparkling water. [Taps glass and drinks] Mmm... That's classy. [Belches] Very. Dude, just trust me. Chill.

Abbi Abrams

Come on. Gum is so repulsive. It is cow cud.

Abbi Abrams

Hey! Hey!

What?!

Abbi Abrams

My friend is stuck on the back of your truck. Also, what, are you watching pοrn while you drive?

Oh, don't judge me! You're the one wearing the stolen shirt!

Abbi Abrams

Okay, it's not stolen. I'm letting her out. Why don't you just finish? If you can. [Walks away]

Nice ass!

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, I know!

Ilana Wexler

Ab, this is Craig. A guy.

Abbi Abrams

Hi, I'm Abbi. I love pugs. My family comes from a long line of colonial Jews. Ilana has told me so much about you.

Abbi Abrams

Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?

Ilana Wexler

God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.

Abbi Abrams

So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.

Ilana Wexler

Totally.

Abbi Abrams

[To Ilana with a man between on an airplane] So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.

Ilana Wexler

I wasn't joking. The Moyel Chai Club. You know how moyels suck baby dick?

Abbi Abrams

Wait, wait, what's a moyel?

Ilana Wexler

Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.

Abbi Abrams

Dude, I'm sorry, what the fuck is a moyel, and why are they sucking baby dick?

Ilana Wexler

A moyel is the Jewish dude who performs the circumcisions. You know, like a... a bris. So they don't do it in the hospital, so these rabbis can do whatever they want. So they take the detached baby foreskin, and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. [Abbi retches] And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.

Abbi Abrams

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ilana Wexler

Literally Judaism.

Abbi Abrams

So at every bris, someone sucks a baby dick?

Ilana Wexler

Only the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have the baby dick sucking.

Abbi Abrams

They get to have it?

Ilana Wexler

Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer and we get... Like a sacrament.

Abbi Abrams

What?

Ilana Wexler

It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, you let go of all your sins. It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony. All right. So we're going to Israel right now, and we're supposed to be Jewish. Anyway, Moyel Chai Club. I want to suck a dick on this flight, babe! An adult dick, obviously.

Abbi Abrams

I can't believe that you want to suck a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.

Ilana Wexler

Something about doing it in the sky.