Bottom · Season 1
[Richie pushes Eddie in to the sex shop. Eddie acts nervous.]
Can I help you, sir?
This is a sex shop, isn't it?
Yes.
(slaps money down) I'll have five quids worth then!
Very droll, sir, I haven’t heard that one before.
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
You've been working here too long mate.
[Chatting up some women in a pub.]
Have me! Have me, I'm a love albatross!
[Buying a condom from a machine.]
Oh, nadgers. What kind do you want?
Rubber ones.
Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's tickler, and there's ultrasensitive.
Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?
Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What colour?
What have they got?
There's black, gold, Union Jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?
Well Union Jack, obviously!
Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What flavour?
Flavour?!
Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.
Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?
Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.
No no, get two.
Wild man!
[Writing a personal ad about himself.]
Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck... yeah, hot young buck.
What about badger?
No, no, I'm more a sort of...
HEDGEHOG!
No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!
What about Stoat!
Foxy Stoat? Yeah. It’s got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...
Pig!
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! (gasps) SHUT UP, EDDIE!
Minky, musky, sly ole foxy stoaty stoat..
What on EARTH are you eating?
Lard.
You are eating... lard?
Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
I've just had a fantastic idea.
[Drinks the rest of his pint beer.]
Well?
What?
What's the fantastic idea?
To drink that! I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."
[Richie has been knocked back by a lesbian]
I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".
[Richie goes to answer the door.]
Alright, I'm coming! Alright, alright! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? (Opens the door and slightly strikes the Gasman) Right, that's enough of that! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan! Cripes! It's the gasman!
Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter.
HELLO MISTER GASMAN!
Yes, hello.
[Poking his head out into the landing] You what?
HELLO MISTER GASMAN!! [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]
Yes, hello again. I wonder if could just read.....
Mister who?
GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!
[Eddie runs and turns off the gas. Richie is still repeatedly shouting Gasman when Eddie appears at the door]
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ YOUR METER!
[Eddie by this time is now at the front door]
Who is it, darling?
IT'S THE GASMAN!
Yes I think we've established that.
Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.
[Richie and Eddie have just beaten the gasman into unconsciousness]
You're not going anywhere, mate. ....mate? Eddie! You've killed him!
[*drops frying pan*] I never touched him.
Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time.
Bollocks, you killed him, he was dead before he hit the ground!
Then why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!
For fun!
Oh God! What are we going to do?!
About 25 years, I think.
[Richie and Eddie are trying to break into next door's flat. Eddie climbs across the outside wall to the bedroom window where he sees them having sex]
Bloody Nora!
Shut up!
They're having it off!
I'll be right over!
(Handing out tea) Here we are then. Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm.
(laughing) Cheers!' This is the best tea in London. (Drinks some and retches) Mmmm, lovely. Well, come on, Eddie, you're not drinking yours.
No, I'm watching you enjoy yours.
Well, come, on, do your fair share, you bastard! (to the Gasman) And you!
So, we've only got eleven pounds eighty to last us for the next two months?
No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade".
What?
It's an investment. Look, I got it for one pound fifty and originally it only cost a shilling. The value of these things is just sky-rocketing!
That's pre-decimalisation that is! They all have their pants on.
Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!
[Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]
What's this?
Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"
Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.
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