Well yes, I can see your point.
It's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Hey, Richie! You know that Stork Margarine competition we entered?
Yeah!
We didn't win it.
What?! Well, who did?
Slip Digby.
Slip Digby? The organist?
That's not what they called him in court.
What was the winning caption?
"I like Stork Margarine because I've only got one leg".
(pause) Not bad
Clever, clever bastard.
[A ferris wheel cart starts to collapse]
Splice my sausages!
Cor Lummy!
Christmas Pudding!
Blood and Stomach Pills!
... hey Eddie!
What?
We really know how to swear, don't we?
Eddie [Swearwords bleeped on TV]: You (bleep) well hit the (bleep) right on the nail there, you (bleep) bastard.
Eddie, how do I look?
Well, you use your eyes, don't you?
[Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]
C1Child 1
Trick or treat, mister!
What do you want!
C2Child 2
Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
I'm sorry. I don't speak child.
All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.
Trick or Treat?
What does that mean?
It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
Why?
Because it's the end of October!
I don't understand.
Look! We haven't got all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.
Are you on drugs? Can I have some?
Dear, oh dear.
We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?
(holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
Right. Give it to me.
I beg your pardon?
I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
Righto.
[Eddie charges up the cattle prod and zaps Richie, causing him to defecate in his pants]
Bear with me.
That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!
I've got just got to finish off my Sprouts Mexicane and we're all set.
Sprouts Mexicane?
(Proudly) Sproutes Mexicane!
What's that?
Well it's... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tobasco sauce - well, three bottles actually. Not so much a hint, more a Party Political Broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gunpowder!
...Sprouts?
Yeah, they were left over from Christmas.
But it's October!
Yeah, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover any embarrassment.
[The oven explodes.]
Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?
I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.
Oh, hark at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!
[Richie eats a spoonful of sprouts, gags and promptly faints.]
I'm gonna get me some liposuction!
(who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!
Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!
Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Des's hammer-head!
You've been drinking, haven't you?
HOW DARE YOU!? [He struggles to his feet] How.. How... How dare you accuse me of drinkn-n-n-ninge?! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the television, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkn-n-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]
No, but you have though, haven't you?
Yeah.
[They have been forging money, and Richie finds a triangle-shaped banknote..]
Now that is Welsh money.
They don't have any Welsh money!
No wonder they all vote Labour.
[Eddie has forged money with strange imagery on it.]
Those are the Queen's jugs.
What?
They're the Queen's jugs.
Eddie! A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not! She'd save 'em up for the fifty!
Well, if you care to have a look at my fifty, you may find it a mite more risqué.
[Richie glances at the note and displays a look of alarm and disgust.]
That's disgusting!
Yeah, I know!
Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money?! Especially when you see what the Duke of Edinburgh's up to on the back of a tenner! (glances at the note) Who's that with him?
Meryl Streep.
(reacts pervertedly) Hang on, she's got three knockers!
No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.
(to barman) I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.
(on the phone) Hello, "Skullcrusher" Henderson? Yeah it's er, Dick Head here... no, don't laugh. I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position. What? Oh well it's Sylvester Stallone... fisting what looks like Mr. MacHenry from The Magic Roundabout.
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