Richie quotes from Bottom

Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?

I beg your pardon?

God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?

What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!

No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!

WHEN? When was this?

Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!

(Deliberately) I beg your pardon!

There you go again!

No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.

Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.

Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)

Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.

Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

They disappeared.

Yeah, cos you threw them into the fucking audience!

Hey, they reappeared.

Yeah, they fucking threw them back!

We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.

Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.

[astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!

Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

There is that.

I see your point.

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down?... Help! Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!

Quickly! Change routine! Change routine!

All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

How long for?

Until the end of time.

Righto.

How did you actually catch this fish?

I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. No, no, no, no, no, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

So it was dead already?

Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.

What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Really, how did she feel?

She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, slim, modern comedians do that joke.

Yeah, why's that?

'Cos it's shit!

You're not wrong there, matey!

Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

What, with an onion up his bum?

He could be French.

ufasa retanga eranu uvavu

Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!

Well... we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Angus Deayton

Angus Deayton, why?

Because he's got autocue.

Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

[Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!

Ohhhhhh, fuck.

Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...

Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]

(to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!

Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?

Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!

Really, Eddie? Which part?

My arsehole.