[The Kettlemans offers Jimmy a bribe to avoid talking about their embezzled money]
BBetsy
Please, just don't tell anyone about the money.
CCraig
We won't tell anyone.
CCraig
Please? Didn't you say that you wanted to help us?
BBetsy
Just pretend you never saw the money. How hard is that? Take it. Take it.
I c—I can't take a bribe... but you know what? I can take a retainer.
Yeah, for my services... as your lawyer?
CCraig
You're not our lawyer.
Well, not yet. Look, I know HHM is shiny and it's slick and it's chock-full of lawyers, and compared to them I'm like a kiddie lemonade stand trying to compete with Walmart, but here's the thing: what are you gonna get from me that you're not gonna get from those other guys? Passion. Commitment. Ask yourself this: who found you? I don't see Howard Hamlin ruining his $300 Gucci loafers out here. If you're with me, you're my number one client—morning, noon or night. You call me, I'm there. I would be singularly devoted to you.
[The Kettlemans shake their heads]
BBetsy
I'm sorry. You're just...
BBetsy
You're the kind of lawyer guilty people hire.
[Nacho has been released now that he's been cleared of involvement in the Kettlemans' camping trip]
Well... I believe I did more than what you asked of me, so, uh, that would make us square, yes? Great. You need a ride?
Camping? You expect me to believe that shit?
Yeah, I know it. The things people do, huh?
They decide to go camping right after I run my little offer by you?
Could be argued that all of life is one great coincidence.
Somebody told those people to, um, go camping. Somebody warned them.
They’re very woodsy. And between you and me, they’re pretty rash when it comes to the decision-making. I mean, they're not really the plan-ahead types.
Yeah, I'd cut the cute attitude right about now if I were you. You ratted on me. There will be consequences.
Hey, if somebody warned the Kettlemans, it was probably somebody who was worried about those kids.
You know how much trouble you caused me?
You didn't need any help getting caught, okay? The neighbor ID'd you. You were sloppy. Any trouble you might have... that's on you. Not to mention the blood in your van. Here's a thought... Ajax, Formula 409! You have no idea the tap dance I had to give those cops to get you out of here. You gave them probable cause out the wazoo. Now, and whoever that somebody is who may have warned the Kettlemans got them out of there before you did anything even more stupid. You should be thanking this good samaritan. Because whoever he is, he did you a favor.
[During a salon visit, Kim hands Jimmy a cease-and-desist from HHM due to his billboard]
Well, his head didn't actually explode, but y'know, pretty damn pissed. Like, "this won't end well for you" pissed.
Do you? I mean, what the hell is with that billboard? I know you have a problem with Hamlin, but I–I just don't get your angle here. Aren't you trying to build your own law practice? Instead, you're spending God knows how much money turning yourself into a little Hamlin clone. I mean, why are you making this personal?
It is so personal. It is completely and totally personal.
No, no, no, it's not, nope.
Yes! Yes, it—Stop trying to pretend.
I can advertise, can't I? What, do I have to clear everything past the great Howard?
Yes, you can advertise, Jimmy. All you want. That billboard is not advertising, that is a declaration of war.
It's right at Hamlin's exit! You know he drives by it everyday!
It's business. I'm building a brand.
You're ripping off a brand. There is nothing original in that ad. It certainly doesn't represent Jimmy McGill.
Hey. Alright, now he fired the first shot. Okay? Trying to keep me from using my name? My own name, Kim?
I get that... but this? You're better that this.
I'm better than this?! I'M BE—?
Well, you're better than that schmuck, Hamlin!
You could work anywhere! You could be somewhere they appreciate you. You know? Where they see how valuable you are. Where, I dunno, maybe they care about you?! [pause] Forget it, okay? If Hamlin wants to come after me, he knows where I am. I'll be ready, guns blazing.
[Jimmy and Howard are appearing before a judge, due to Jimmy erecting a billboard that deliberately imitates HHM's logo and branding]
Your Honor, I'm a humble solo practitioner, merely trying to ply my trade in an aggressive and evolving marketplace.
As I've argued repeatedly, this is trademark infringement. Mr. McGill's new logo is an absolute copy of ours.
I think it falls firmly under fair use.
Fair use? You're clearly profiting, so fair use doesn't apply.
It—There are only so many fonts out there. Does Mr. Hamlin outright own them all?
No, but we've been using this particular font for 12 years now, and it, in concert with our tri-rectangle graphic and Hamlindigo Blue, constitutes a trademarked brand identifier.
Whoa, whoa. Back up. Hamlindigo Blue?
Yes. That is our trademarked name.
Holy crap. You seriously named a color "Hamlindigo"? That is... yikes.
"Yikes"? From the man dressed exactly like me. Your Honor, I feel like I'm in the mirror routine with Groucho Marx, like we should be standing, waving our arms at each other.
In addition, the name McGill appears in both logos, which, I believe, Mr. McGill is hoping to further confuse potential clients.
So I can't advertise under my own name now? I'm to be penalized 'cause I happen to share a name with one of HHM's partners? You can't take my name from me.
JJudge
The name is not the problem here, Mr. McGill.
Uh, Mr. Hamlin certainly seems to think so. I mean, he wants me to change my name 'cause he claims that-that—what—it's some kind of threat to his business? Your Honor, this is restraint of trade, okay? Whatever happened to the free market, huh? No, Hamlin here wants you to tell—
JJudge
Okay, okay, I've... Enough. Mr. McGill, I've heard enough. Alright, yes, you are within your rights to advertise using your own name. However, in my estimation, the billboard clearly and intentionally duplicates elements of the Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill logo. You're actively copying their established brand for your own gain. I don't see any other reasonable explanation.
JJudge
Jimmy, Jimmy. Wise up. The billboard must come down within 48 hours.
I don't see the Journal here.
[pulls up the Wall Street Journal] Here you go.
No, the Albuquerque Journal. It's not here.
Oh, yeah. I didn't see it outside.
It wasn't out there? It's always out there.
I didn't see it. Maybe they forgot to deliver it, maybe some kids grabbed it.
[sarcastically] Because if there's one thing kids love, it's local print journalism.
I don't know what to tell ya, you got a ton of reading material here. Look, hey, Financial Times. I know Albuquerque is a hub of global intrigue, but you think that'll tide you over?
RSRichard "Ricky" Sipes
Jim, I saw you on the TV, that billboard thing. And I had me a pair of insights. Insight the first: You ain't afraid to put yourself out there. And insight the second: You believe in the real America—freedom, self-sufficiency.
RRicky
When I see a man like you driving that foreign shitbox of a car...
Well, see, actually, it's...
RRicky
...it's a sign a good man can't get ahead today. It's a damned travesty. That's what it is.
Well that may be, Ricky, but, uh... I refuse to consider myself a victim.
RRicky
You know, we are once again at a point in our history where the fly-swatting hand of government is crushing the spirit of entrepreneurship. Taxes, OSHA requirements, the INS poking their big, fat nose into every mother-loving hire. It's damned oppressive.
It's tragic. It's un-American.
RRicky
Jim, I think you are just the lawyer I need, 'cause I got me a case—major—I say, a major case. Are you ready to clear your calendar?
RRicky
I want to secede from the United States. Now, I got 1,100 acres of property here, self-sustaining with solar power and wells, a sovereign state immune to the business-killing regulations of the country in which it geographically lies. We are going to be America's Vatican City.
Ricky... I'm your man. Yeah, let's do this. Let's show 'em all. Yee-haw!
Yee-haw! [Ricky highfives Jimmy] Yes! We are doing this! Ah. Now, it's not gonna be easy, sir. I mean, the government is gonna fight us tooth and nail. We could end up in the Supreme Court—I'm talking thousands of man-hours—I mean, years of effort.
RRicky
Are you ready for that?
RRicky
Let's talk turkey. What's your rate?
RRicky
The hell with hourly. I want you on retainer. How about $1 million even—$500,000 up front and $500,000 when we're done?
A million? That seems... fair.
RRicky
Would you like that in cash? [takes out stacks of bills from the safe]
Uh. [flips a stack of bills and sees Ricky's face on them] Well...
RRicky
Tax-free and backed by the full faith and credit of the sovereign Sandia Republic.
RRicky
Son... You are getting in on the ground floor.
[Cut to Jimmy driving away from the house at full speed]
[Roland Jaycox shows Jimmy into his garage]
RJRoland Jaycox
Uh, I feel silly asking this. Yeah. But before I show you my invention, would you mind signing a non-disclosure agreement?
You got it. No problem. [signs the agreement]
RRoland
It's my idea of a lifetime. If Fisher-Price or Playskool ever got their hands on this...
RRoland
You ready? [lifts the tarp off an ordinary looking toilet]
I may have seen one of these before.
RRoland
Not like this. This one has this little unit I've added. This is my invention. Do you have children?
RRoland
My wife and I have two boys, four and six. And let me tell you, toilet-training them? Nightmare, both times. They just didn't want to use the commode! So I wired a motion sensor to a voice chip and, well, no sense getting all technical. But it's all about positive reinforcement. Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy. And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works.
[Roland drops a wooden block in the toilet bowl]
TTTony the Toilet Buddy
Oh, yeah! That's the way! [Roland drops another wooden block in the toilet bowl] Gosh, you're big! You're so big! My goodness! Look at you! [another wooden block gets dropped in] Fill me up, Chandler! Put it in me!
RRoland
Chandler's my youngest. Loves it.
Huh. [watches Roland drop another wooden block]
TTTony the Toilet Buddy
Give it to me, Chandler! I want it all! Mmm! Ahhh!
RRoland
Anyway, it goes on from there. You get the picture.
RRoland
So, what do you think?
It's a little... sexual, maybe?
RRoland
Sexual? What—what does that...?
Suggestive, maybe—maybe that's a better word? Look, I'm not—I'm not saying this thing won't make you rich. I mean, some of your wealthier Pacific Rim nations, they'll love this, the crazy bastards.
RRoland
I created this for children. Children, understand?
Well, hey, Viagra was originally invented to treat hypertension. Look how that turned out.
[Cut to Jimmy leaving the house with an angry Roland chasing after him]
RRoland
You're completely disgusting, you know that?!
Hey, buddy, you're the one with the sex toilet.
RRoland
Get off my property!
Hey, you know what? I hope you do make a fortune, 'cause Chandler's gonna need it to help pay for his therapy!
SMrs. Strauss
Now, where were we? Would you like some more tea?
No, no thank you. I'm—I'm fine. Now, the shepherd boy Hummel, that's gonna go to your nephew Clarence?
SMrs. Strauss
As long as he finishes college. If he drops out, it goes to my niece, Raylene, but then Raylene doesn't get the girl—
The girl with the geese, I know. Then that would go to your cousin Helen, so long as she never remarries Frederick?
SMrs. Strauss
And no matter what, I want the towheaded twins to go to Reverend Lawrence's grandson.
Um, don't you mean Reverend Haines? 'Cause Reverend Lawrence's grandson is going to get the, uh, lute-playing angel because he was in the choir.
SMrs. Strauss
Very sharp, Mr. McGill... and here I thought all lawyers were idiots.
Hah, no, only half of us are idiots. The other half are crooks!
SMrs. Strauss
[both laugh] Aren't you a spicy one!
SMrs. Strauss
If I were 40 years younger, I'd have you buy me a piña colada.
Well, if you want me to draw up a DNR, I'll bring a blender and some pineapple.
SMrs. Strauss
I knew I'd like you when I saw how you saved that poor man on the television. Moxie is in such short supply these days.
Yeah, well, I pride myself on my moxie. Now, I hate to do this, but I do need to bring up my payment. Um, and I'm sorry, but I can't accept S&H Green Stamps, heh. Now, my fee is $140.
SMrs. Strauss
A hundred and forty?
I'll gladly accept seventy today and seventy when I come back with the completed documents-
[Mrs. Strauss immediately pulls out the $140]
SMrs. Strauss
Shall we continue, Mr. McGill?
Yes. Yes, we shall, Mrs. Strauss!
[Jimmy notices his billboard story in Chuck's house]
You think this is the return of Slippin' Jimmy, but it's not.
You think the billboard thing was unethical, but it was promotion. It was advertising, that's all.
Which wasn't even allowed until five Supreme Court justices went completely bonkers in Bates v. State Bar of Arizona.
But in any event, it's legal. If you wanna advertise, that's your business.
Business being the operative word there, Chuck! Because I have gotten business off of this. Legit business, wills, trusts... I'm kind of starting to specialize in elder law.
Yeah, the things the elderly have to deal with, I mean. You know, relatives coming after their savings, telemarketers, reverse-mortgage scams; I mean, getting old sucks! Seniors need someone on their side, so... you're looking at him.
Oh, that sounds... promising... but it has nothing to do with my condition.
Chuck, listen. I'm gonna make you a promise right now, okay?
No, not necessary, not requested.
Okay, the billboard was a one-time thing. I–I'm a good lawyer, I just needed some razzmatazz, you know? To get the ball rolling, some showmanship. That's all it was, it's done now, it's over.
From here on out, I'm gonna play by the rules.
Exactly! There are clients out there who need me, and I'm gonna give them the best representation I know how to provide. I'm on the up-and-up, okay? I will be good; Slippin' Jimmy, he's back in Cicero, dead and buried.
[Late at night, Jimmy is leaving the parking lot when he stops at Mike's booth]
Heeeeey, there he is. The man in the booth, John Wilkes Booth, Booth Tarkington. Whatcha readin' there? The Complete Annotated Book of Rules for Parking Validation?
No, the rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple. Most people get it on the first try.
Well, you’ll be pleased to know I have the requisite stickers. [hands over parking ticket]
[deadpan] Well, be still my heart.
Aaand... you can have this, as well. [hands over business card] I’m doing elder law now. "Need a will? Call McGill." So, give me a call if you, uh—uh, if, uh, you happen to know any elders.
[slightly annoyed] Good night. [presses button to lift the crossarm]
Couldn’t have a bad one if I tried. [drives away]
Oh, here's your coffee. Hope it's good to the last drop, 'cause I'm billing you the full hour for it.
Huh, that's very thoughtful. [beat] You serious? Why'd you have me bring that to you?
Alright, here's what's gonna happen: those two cops out there are from Philadelphia, they've come a long way to see me. When they come in here, we're all gonna have a little chat, and when it's over, the young one– who's been writing in his little notebook–he's gonna take it and put it in his jacket, and when he does that, I want you to take that coffee and spill it on him. Little accident. That's all.
And why, pray tell, would I do that?
Because I'm asking you to. It's the only reason you're here.
So I'm here because you want me to assault a police officer.
I am asking you to take a few ounces of lukewarm coffee and spill it on him. I doubt that satisfies the definition of "assault," but, hey, you're the lawyer.
Philadelphia PD. Did you call them?
I told them I heard about Hoffman and Fensky-
You don't think it's strange? First Matt, then not six months later, his partner and his sergeant? Yeah, I called them to help catch Matty's killer. Mike, what if the same person-? If—what if the piece of shit who got Matty got them too?
And what exactly did you tell them?
You told them Matt was dirty? Is that what you told them?
How could you possibly think that? That's your husband, the father of your child–
I didn't say that. I-I told them I found money. After Kaylee and I moved here, when I was unpacking—it was in the lining of an old suitcase. Matt must've tucked it away in there, because this was cash. Five, six thousand, from God knows where! I mean, we were basically living paycheck to paycheck. Where the hell did he get it?
Why didn't you ask me? Why didn't you come to me?
I couldn't. I knew what it would do to you. First he's murdered, and then for you to think... I mean, it would burn you to the ground, there'd be nothing left. And you wouldn't talk to me! Every night, you were drinking yourself unconscious like you were the only one who lost him. Look, I don't care: he was dirty, he was clean, I don't care. All I want is for whoever killed Matty to rot in a cell for the rest of their life, and then I want whatever's left of them just dumped in the trash. That's what I want. I don't care where it leads, what it uncovers. I mean, what difference would it make if he was... anything? I'd still love him, I'd still miss him, he'd still be gone!
Well, so be straight with me. Right now! This is it, Mike! What was that phone call before he died? Don't bullshit me!
That was between me and my son.
So, you're admitting it was you!
He wasn't dirty! Goddamn you, you get that through your head! My son wasn't dirty!
[Mike admits the truth about his late son, Matty, to his wife]
You let some things slide and you look the other way. You bust a drug dealer that has more cash than you'll ever earn in a lifetime. Some of it doesn't make it back into evidence, so what? You took a taste. So did everyone else. That's how you knew you were safe. It's like killing Caesar. Everyone's guilty. Matt wasn't dirty. I was. Everyone was in that precinct. That's how it worked. You turn in your buddy, you're screwing yourself. You go along to get along.
[chuckles; clicks tongue] I did. Yeah. I did.
Okay. But you said Matt didn't.
No. Not Matt. Fensky got to Hoffman early, kickbacks from some gang or another. Protection, basically. And Hoffman went to Matty and offered to cut him in. Only fair, right? They were partners. And Matt did what you would think: He agonized. And then he came to me, wanted to go to the I.A., do the right thing, shut 'em down.
Oh, my God. And you let him? That's why he got killed 'cause he was gonna turn on those guys?
No. No. I told him...[sighs] "You know what a cop fears most? More than getting shot, more than anything? Prison. Getting locked up with everybody you put away. You threaten a cop with that, you make him dangerous." And that's what I told him. I talked sense. No one was getting hurt. "But if you go to the I.A., if you even look like you're going...?" He had a wife, a kid, responsibilities. "Take the money. Do something good with it." [chuckles] Well, I tried. I tried. But he wouldn't listen. My boy was stubborn. My boy was strong. And he was gonna get himself killed. So I told him...I told him I did it, too, that I was like Hoffman, getting by, and that's what you heard that night: Me talking him down, him kicking and screaming until the fight went out of him. He put me up on a pedestal. And I had to show him that I was down in the gutter with the rest of them. Broke my boy. I broke my boy. He went to Hoffman, he took the money, but he hesitated. Even looking like you're doing the right thing to those two meant that he wasn't solid – that he couldn't be trusted. I got Matty to take the money. And they killed him two days later. He was the strongest person that I ever knew. He'd have never done it, not even to save himself. I was the only one, I was the only one that could get him to debase himself like that. And it was for nothing. I made him lesser. I made him like me. And the bastards killed him anyway.
Hoffman and Fensky, if they killed Matty... who killed them? Pop... What happened?
You know what happened. The question is... Can you live with it?
[Jimmy finds that the Kettlemans have dumped Kim and want to hire him for their embezzlement case. He calls her from a restaurant bathroom]
Hey, funny story: I found something that belongs to you, again.
"Who?" Picture The 25th Hour, starring Ned and Maude Flanders.
