[to the Kettlemans] Can we all three just parachute down from cloud cuckoo land?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I know we're never supposed to say our clients are guilty, but hey, not my client anymore. He's guilty as sin.
Yeah, but there has to be something. Some loophole or -
None that I could find.
There has to be a way.
Not without the money. It's the only chip those Kettlemans have, and they refuse to play it.
[Jimmy enters the Kettleman residence]
[looking around] Oh, I love what you've done with the place. Last time I was here, it was, uh... Well, not a contender for the cover of Good Housekeeping, that's for sure.
BBetsy
[chuckling] Do you have news about our case?
I do, in fact. But before we get to the nitty-gritty, I think we should chat about your deal.
BBetsy
Uh, we told you, there will be no deal.
You did, didn't you? However, circumstances have changed.
BBetsy
What circumstances?
To answer that, um... might I suggest that you go and check on that money you insist you "didn't" take?
[Betsy laughs incredulously]
In the upstairs bathroom, under the sink?
CCraig
Wait, how could you...?
[The truth dawns on Betsy first, and she leaps up and hurries up the stairs in a panic, cutting him off. Craig follows her up, while Jimmy waits patiently in the living room.]
CCraig
Betsy?
[There is the sound of clattering and rummaging upstairs]
BBetsy
No, no no no no no no!
CCraig
It's okay, Betsy. It's gotta be... it's gotta be in there somewhere.
[Betsy comes out of the bathroom and addresses Jimmy from upstairs]
BBetsy
What did you do with it?!
By "it", you mean...?
BBetsy
[As she and Craig make their way downstairs] Where is it?!
Oh! You mean the money? Uh, let me see. It's uh... [checks his watch] on its way to the D.A.'s desk, right about now.
BBetsy
What!? You...!? Oh, you thief!
It takes one to know one, doesn't it?
CCraig
You took it? How did you take it?
A good magician never reveals his tricks. Now here's what we're gonna do—
BBetsy
Oh, you don't tell us what to do. You stole from us. We... We will have you arrested!
Uh, I can see how upset you are, and even on a good day, you and logic are... [places two fingers together and separates them with a whistling sound] But think about what you just said. Criminals have no recourse. And you two? You're criminals. Big time.
BBetsy
How dare you.
Luckily, you have a very talented lawyer, who has found a way to minimize the damage you've brought upon yourselves.
BBetsy
Oh, you're fired!
Oh, I quit already. No, I'm talking about Kim Wexler. Now, you're gonna go back to her, you're gonna apologize for your hasty decision to terminate her services, and you're gonna fall on her mercy and take that deal.
BBetsy
We'll tell about the bribe you took.
You could do that. You absolutely could, and I'd be in a mess of trouble, a real pickle...
[Betsy smiles smugly, thinking she's got him]
...But so would you, Mrs. Kettleman. Because right now, only Mr. Kettleman is on the hook, for the whole embezzlement kerfluffle. But the bribe – we're back to calling it a bribe? Yeah, that implicates you as well.
CCraig
It does not. It was all me.
No, it wasn't. I'll make sure everyone knows that. Look on the bright side, you know? They could work out some kind of inter-prison visitation program, the occasional conjugal. Maybe it won't be all bad. [to Betsy] You, you'll probably wind up running your own gang. [He looks up at both of them, becoming somewhat solemn] Thing you folks need to know about me? I got nothing to lose. Christ, you should see my office.
This is a demand letter informing Sandpiper Crossing of pending litigation for defrauding my clients through systematic overcharging. You're shredding in there! I'm not deaf! I can hear you! Stop right now! [shredding continues] This here this makes it official, right? If you don't stop shredding right now, that's destruction of evidence! Spoliation! That's what it's called, and it's a felony! So call your lawyers right now and tell them I said that! Me! James McGill Esquire!
[Jimmy gets a call from Rich Schweikart, a lawyer representing Sandpiper Crossing, as he looks for the shredded documents in a dumpster]
RSRich Schweikart
Mr. McGill, Rich Schweikart of Schweikart and Cokely. We're the law firm representing Sandpiper Crossing assisted living. How are you this evening?
Quite well, thank you. How are you?
Doing fine. I'm sorry to call so late. Did I catch you at a bad time?
No, no. No, it's fine.
It's just that you're whispering.
I'm at the opera.
Oh? What opera?
Magic Flute.
Mozart, lovely. Well, I'll try not to keep you. We received something from you today, and we're not quite sure what.
It's a demand letter.
Ah... Well, it was a little confusing 'cause it was written on...
Well, I had to write it quickly because your clients were in the process of destroying evidence!
Mr. McGill, if you're talking about "shredding documents", it's neither irregular nor illegal. Every business in America does it.
You say potato, I say spoliation.
Maybe you should walk me through what you're alleging here.
I believe it's all in the letter.
Uh, I–I'm not saying it's not, but it's a bit hard to read. Next time, I'd use double-ply.
Let's not fixate on the medium, okay? Let's look at the message. Now, your clients are facing multiple counts of elder abuse, and fraud, and deceptive and unfair trade practices, and that's just the start, okay? I'm not a betting man, but I bet the farm I'll find more.
Mr. McGill, are you related to Charles McGill?
He's my brother.
Yeah? How's he doing these days?
I–I fail to see the relevance of this.
Well, frankly, the only reason that I made this phone call was out of respect for Charles, on the off chance that you might be related to him. My partner suggested that the best response would be to send a Rule 11 letter and have you sanctioned, but I didn't want to jump to that immediate length.
How about you stop trying to rattle my cage and just, you know, respond to the merits?
This is my response, Mr. McGill. You have no good-faith basis to threaten any litigation. This is a shakedown, and we both know it. Now, if you push this any further, my hands will be tied. Sorry for interrupting your evening. Enjoy The Magic Flute.
[after Schweikart has hung up] Blow my magic flute!
You broke into a nursing home?
Assisted living.
And you stole their garbage. My God.
No, it was in public. There was no lock, no nothing. I just lifted the lid, and there it was. There's no reasonable expectation of privacy in that situation, is there? You can't say it's private if a hobo can use it as a wigwam!
[Jimmy and Chuck arrange a meeting with Sandpiper's lawyers]
Well, let's get started. We've read your revised demand; it's quite a laundry list, very creative.
Yeah, creative. Like the way your clients have been billing my clients? Because that's, like, Salvador Dali creative.
That's cute–you know you're not gonna make this stick. Setting aside evidentiary concerns–
Whoa, your guys couldn't afford ten bucks for a padlock? That's on them: public property.
Maybe a judge sees that your way, maybe he doesn't, but the damages for elder abuse? The statute requires proof that there was some undue influence. Someone threatening the residents of Sandpiper Crossing.
AAlvin
As far as I understand it, no one has claimed that there was a guy with a knife telling them to hand over their lunch money.
There are a lot of assisted living facilities out there that may be disreputable, but that's not the case with our client, not even close. All their facilities, all 12 of them, every single one, five-star rated. You go to any one of them right now, and you know what you'll see? You'll see happy, healthy residents. Sandpiper takes care of these people, they don't bilk them...but, we looked into it and some of your clients have, in fact, been overbilled. It's a–it's an accounting error. It doesn't rise to the level of fraud–not even close.
PPhil
We've calculated the damages. All told, it's $46,320.
Mhm. So, here's what we're prepared to do: we're gonna make your clients whole. A check for the 46 and change right now, and on top of that, we'll give you another 46K to cover your expenses. So what's that, 92? Let's call it $100,000, even. We admit to no wrongdoing, and your clients release all claims. [leans back in chair]
[Jimmy glances at Chuck, then retrieves the syringe invoice]
I think you're gonna need to do better than that.
Ah. This was in your demand letter. They're syringes. So? I-I don't know if you know this, but that's a pretty standard item in an assisted living facility.
Correct, but it's not what it is that matters. It's where it's from.
Lincoln, Nebraska?
Go Cornhuskers. [beat] Well, since you're not picking up what I'm putting down, I'll explain it to you. Nebraska, although they both begin with the letter N, actually turns out to be a different state than New Mexico, so your client accepted shipments across state lines for its enterprise. I-in the U.S. mail, no less!
Are you trying to make this a RICO case?
PPhil
Like our client is John Gotti, or something?
Well, you know as well as I do, RICO's used mostly for business beefs. Sedima establishes a pretty low threshold for RICO provisions to kick in. Interstate commerce is a bitch, huh? As soon as we establish a pattern to–what was your word–uh, "overbillings?" I prefer the classic term of fraud. You're looking at treble damages, so your 100 grand? I think you know where you can stick it.
...Will you give us a moment?
[Sandpiper's lawyers whisper to each other]
Well, what number exactly did you have in mind?
Twenty million.
Excuse me?
You heard me.
Oh, you can't expect-
Twenty. Million. Dollars... or we'll see you in court.
Jimmy... Jimmy, I'm just gonna say it. You're not working here.
What are you talking about? You said this case is a slam dunk.
Yes. We want the case, we don't want, um... the case is all we want.
You gotta be–you're serious? I walk in here with a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit on a damn platinum platter, a case that I found, that I made happen... and you don't want me?! Why in Christ not?! Well, I know that you hate me, Howard.
Jimmy–
I'm fine. You better believe, feeling goes both ways, but I'm willing to set that aside to work with you on this. Why can't you do the same for me? What is it that you can't let go of, huh? What slight did I make to your fine, upstanding character that you can't forgive.
A majority decision has been made by myself and the partners–all due respect to you, Chuck. We are not interested in taking any new associates into the firm.
Bullshit! New associates?! Someone walks in with a case like this, you beg them to be partner! Tell me why! You didn't want me then? Okay. You don't want me now?! Explain it!
Howard, I don't know what to say. I am very disappointed, I really think you should reconsider.
I'm sorry, but no. I think it's best if Jimmy takes the of-counsel fee. We could probably up it a bit. Keep in mind, you will be well compensated in the back end. It's easy money, Jimmy. No reason not to take it.
Go to hell, Howard! I'm not giving you my case. And I'm gonna tell every one of those clients what a lying miserable pig fucker you are. I will burn the whole thing to the ground before I give it to you!
The partners have made a decision and the why is not your concern.
I think it is my concern.
And why is that?
Because he's my friend. And the way I see it, you're not treating him fairly.
"The way you see it?"
I don't know what image you have of him, past or present, or whatever he did or said, but Jimmy is a good lawyer. And he works very hard.
Did your friend send you in here to say that?
No. I'm saying it because I believe it.
Well, duly noted. Want to know what I believe? I believe that you're way out of your depth in this matter. So the next time that you want to come in here and tell me what I'm doing wrong, you are welcome to keep it to yourself. Because I don't care.
PPryce
How did you know not to bring a gun?
This $1500- I'll just say, you're getting a bargain. I put in a lot of legwork before coming here. That fella you just met with? Name is Ignacio Varga; runs with a connected crew of drug dealers. Now, this deal he's doing with you, he's doing outside his crew - doesn't want his bosses to know - so it was in his best interest that things go very smoothly.
PPryce
...Wow.
Mm. The lesson is, if you're gonna be a criminal, do your homework.
PPryce
Wait. I- I'm not a bad guy.
I didn't say you were a bad guy. I said you're a criminal.
PPryce
What's the difference?
I've known good criminals and bad cops. Bad priests. Honorable thieves. You can be on one side of the law or the other. But if you make a deal with somebody, you keep your word. You can go home today with your money and never do this again. But you took something that wasn't yours. And you sold it for a profit. You're now a criminal. Good one, bad one? That's up to you.
[Jimmy calls bingo at Sandpiper Crossing]
Hey, it's our old friend "B"! B-12! B as in, uh... B as in "betrayal." Benedict Arnold betrayed the United States. Still no winners? No? Okay... here it is. [Jimmy gets another ball] Oh, what are the odds?! Four B's in a row! B as in... B as in... brother. Brother. B-7, seven brides for seven brothers. I'm sure a lot of you had brothers–it's not like mine, though. Any winners, yet? Take–take another look, okay? I'll wait. I'm gonna say, if it's another B, we could have a real problem here. [Jimmy gets another ball] Hey, it is another B! B-5, as in "Boy, this B thing is really starting to tick me off." B as in battleship, B as in bourbon, B as in Belize; beautiful place, so I've heard. I would love to go there, but let's face it, that's never gonna happen. None of us is ever leaving this godforsaken wasteland. [pause] Sorry, scratch that. Moving on? [Jimmy gets another ball] I mean, what is it with this place? It's–it's like living inside an easy-bake oven. I mean, look out that window. It's–it's like a soulless, radioactive Georgia O'Keeffe hellscape out there, crawling with coral snakes and scorpions and– You ever see the movie The Hills Have Eyes? It's a documentary! God forbid your car breaks down. You have to walk ten steps. You got a melanoma the size of a pineapple where your head used to be. And so you ask, "Why?" Why? If if that's how I feel, why do I live here? Why?!
SSenior
Excuse me. Are you gonna read that number?
Yeah. I'm gonna read your number. Eh–and it's another "B!" It's another frigging "B! Boy, of course. Why not? Why not?! And the next number...
[Jimmy walks off the stage with the microphone]
Uh, quick question, who here knows what a Chicago sunroof is? Anybody? You, sir? No? Okay. True story, uh, back home, uh, there was this guy named Chet. Now, Chet was a real asshole. He might have owed me some money. He might have slept with my wife before she became my ex-wife. The details don't matter. Suffice it to say, I was wronged. All right, so one summer evening, I was out having a few drinks. One or two, maybe three. You get the picture? And, uh, who do I see? Chet. He drove up, and he double-parked outside a Dairy Queen and went in to get some soft serve. Now, Chet drove – and this will give you an idea of exactly what kind of a douchebag this guy was – drove a white pearlescent BMW 7 Series with white leather interior. So, I saw that thing, and I had–I'd had a few, like I said. And, uh, I climbed up top, and I may have defecated, uh, through the sunroof. Not my finest hour, I'll grant you that. But that's what a Chicago sunroof is. Now you know. It's a real thing. I didn't make it up. I'm not the first person to do it. There's a name for it. Guy wanted some soft serve, I gave him some soft serve. I did not know that his children were in the backseat. There was a level of tint on the windows that I'll maintain to this day was not legal in an Illinois-licensed vehicle. But somehow, that's on me, I guess. Who leaves two Cub Scouts in a double-parked car with the engine running?! Come on! Now, Chet was connected, see? Like, uh, Cicero connected. So, usually, I'd be looking at malicious mischief, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, maybe. But he's got the D.A. saying indecent exposure, calling me a sex offender. What? One little Chicago sunroof, and suddenly I'm Charles Manson?! And that's where it all went off the rails. I've been paying for it ever since. That's why I'm here! I don't...You know what? [sniffs] Any of this stuff you want, come get it. Kitty-cat notebooks for everybody.
SSabrina
Hey! You are not Kevin Costner!
I was last night.
Marco, I'm sorry. I gotta go back.
What?
It's been great, and I appreciate your hospitality, but a week's gonna have to do it. I gotta go home.
I already called in sick! [pause] Come on, man. This is home. You hate it out there. What d'you gotta go back to?
My clients.
Your clients? What, are you like a gigolo, or something?
Marco... I'm a lawyer.
What?
Honest to God. I do elder law, which is like, wills and estates-
So you're ripping off old people?
No, I'm not ripping off old people. I'm not ripping off anybody.
Holy crap. Slippin' Jimmy's a lawyer? [laughs] No wonder you wanna go back! I mean, you got to be king of the desert, driving around town in a white Caddy making bank!
I'm not making bank. I'm making a living, more or less.
A living? All due respect–you're a lawyer and you're not making bank, you're doing it wrong.
Well, I'm building something. Takes time!
You're gonna build somethin', build it out here. I mean, lawyers in Chicago make plenty, I assure you.
I don't know what to tell ya, Marco. Chuck's in Albuquerque.
Again, all due respect, Chuck's a stuck-up douchebag. I hate to break it to ya, but he doesn't even like you.
...He's my brother.
...Okay. I get it. Family, you gotta go back. But... [pulls out a watch from a drawer] remember this?
The Rolex thing. Whatever happened to the guy who used to sell us those?
Jin Kang? He got deported, this is the last one. I say we go for it.
No.
Aw, come on! Last time we did, what, 600? The hot streak we're on, I bet we'd break a grand, easy!
I could lend you some cash-
I don't need the money, Jimmy. I need this. Come on, you say you're happy doing wills or whatever? Good for you, man, seriously! I gotta tell ya, standpipes ain't cutting it for me, man. I got nothing, Jimmy. Give me this.
[When doing the Rolex scam, Marco doesn't stir. Jimmy calls 911 when Marco is roused.]
I screwed up.
No, y-you did–You did good, buddy! Just hold on, alright? They're on their way, they'll be here in a minute.
Jimmy, you know what?
Just s-save your breath, okay? You're gonna be fine.
This was the greatest week of my life.
Well, that was quick. No charge.
Help me out here. Did I dream it, or did I have $1,600,000 on my desk in cash? When I close my eyes, I can still see it. It's burned into my retinas like I was staring into the sun. No one on God's green earth knew we had it. We could have split it 50/50. We could have gone home with $800,000 each, tax-free.
Your point being?
Why didn't we? What stopped us?!
I remember you saying something about doing the right thing.
I don't even know what that means.
You want to know why I didn't take that money? Is that what you're asking?
Yeah, that's what I'm asking.
Me personally? I was hired to do a job. I did it. That's as far as it goes.
Yeah. Well, I know what stopped me. And you know what? It's never stopping me again.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Call Saul pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.