[Mike is waiting in the parking garage for Daniel Wormald to pick him up. Moments later, Daniel pulls into the garage in a bright yellow Hummer H2. Upon seeing the car, Mike picks up his lunch bag and immediately begins walking away]
Hey! It's me! [after a brief fumble, he backs the car up to catch up with Mike] Hello? Hello! It's me! I got a new car. Do you like it?
We're not taking that to the meet.
How are we gonna get there?
This business requires restraint. That is the opposite of restraint.
But... I like it. I mean, I'm proud of it.
Good. And you can be proud of it on your own time. Just not with me. I'm not getting in that.
KKen
My name's Ken, by the way.
KKen
Cool, Viktor with a K. [gestures to Kim] And this lovely lady is?
[hesitantly] It's Giselle. Giselle Saint Claire.
KKen
Ah, lovely. Please, sit, I won't bite. [Kim sits down] So, Viktor with a K and Giselle, exotic names.
?"Giselle"
Well, Boer, to be precise. Our father's side of the family is from South Africa... which is where Uncle Humphrey passed away.
KKen
South Africa, they grow them beautiful down there, right? Charlize Theron... and you.
?"Giselle"
Oh, well... I've never actually been, but hope to go someday.
KKen
Tell you what: By the time I'm done with you two, you might be taking your own private jet.
KKen
[to waiter] Excuse me, hi. We're sitting here now, so we could use a wine list, if you get a chance—
?"Viktor"
Hey, uh, are you a tequila fan?
KKen
Yes. [to Kim] You down for that?
?"Giselle"
...You ever try Zafiro Añejo?
KKen
No, I have not, but I'm down for whatever. Three of whatever she just said.
[Later that night, they've finished the entire bottle of Zafiro Añejo. The waiter hands them the bottle's cork]
WWaiter
Compliments of the bartender. She thought you might want a souvenir.
?"Giselle"
Oh, my God. Did we drink the entire bottle?
KKen
Not yet we haven't. Hey, cheers! [downs a shot]
?"Giselle"
I think we're ready for the check.
KKen
No, really, it's a smart way to go.
?"Giselle"
Okay, but...so to be clear, you take the money directly from our account and invest it—
?"Giselle"
Diversify it, and then all the dividends and all the profits and the what-have-you comes back directly into our account.
KKen
Boom. Absolutely. And you'll get a detailed statement showing how much your money is growing, biggest bulls of the month, etcetera.
?"Viktor"
Ken, buddy... let's do this.
[They sign the contract when the bill comes. Ken snatches it out of Jimmy's hand]
KKen
Whoops, I got that! Can't let you do it, son.
?"Viktor"
Wait, what—Ken. You are the greatest. Thank you.
KKen
No problemo. Hey, this'll be the best decision you'll ever make.
?"Viktor"
Oh, I believe it. Alright, well, we should get out of your hair.
?"Giselle"
Yeah. [Jimmy and Kim get out of the booth]
KKen
Wait! [tears out a piece of paper] This is for you. Now, that's got all my contact info. Call me anytime with questions, or anything at all.
?"Viktor"
Try and stop us!
[Kim and Jimmy throw it away as they leave the bar]
[Jimmy watches Kim get ready for work the morning after their scam]
Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could do that every night?
Yes, it would... but we can't.
I know. Yeah. But I'm just saying, if we could, it would be great. But I know we can't.
Oh, crap, I can't be late today. Howard is doling out assignments and the last one through the door could get stuck in doc review. [beat] You got somewhere to go?
Yeah. Uh, yeah, I got somewhere.
[Daniel has shown up at Mike's parking lot in his bright circus wagon, having been summoned for police questioning]
Well, if you must know, I was robbed. Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.
Yeah, but obviously I didn't tell the cops that. I'm not stupid.
You've already spoken to them?
A couple of them came by my house. But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care. It's my baseball cards I need back.
Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards, and someone stole them.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this. But it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talk to the police, being a criminal and all.
I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim. Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals, I no longer have a right to protection from crime? And I was very careful when I talked to them. I... they have no idea about my other business.
If you already made your report, why are you here?
They called me. They have a few more questions. They are very dedicated to finding this thief.
Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you. They've invited you on a fishing trip.
What's that? A fishing trip?
Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back. You're obviously under suspicion.
There was nothing there for them to see.
I refer you to our previous conversation and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer." They suspect you. They will get you in there, pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security, and then they will sweat you. And you will break.
I don't... I... [chuckles] I disagree.
Not open for debate. You go home now.
But I have an appointment.
Break it. And if they call you, do not answer the phone.
But- what about my baseball cards?
No! No, no, no, I am getting those back! I will take the risk.
No, you won't, because then you'll be putting my well-being at risk.
I have to! I–I–those cards? Some of them were my dad's. I am getting them back. I'm getting them back.
[pause] I'll find your cards.
Is–is that something you do? Wow, that's–that is so generous of you.
[Mike meets with Nacho at his father's car upholstery shop]
How'd you find me? [Mike snorts] Why are you here?
Baseball cards. The way I figure, you saw that midlife-crisis of a vehicle and wisely decided to cut ties with the man, and I don't blame you, I did too, and then you ripped him off. Now, I'm sure those baseball cards looked like an easy way to make a few extra bucks off that idiot–teach him a lesson, too–but you underestimated just how big an idiot you were dealing with.
[chuckles] No, I'm pretty aware.
Well, then you underestimated how attached the man was to those cards; so attached, he called the police and reported them stolen. Now, they're nosing around.
That sounds like a you problem.
No, I think it's very much an us problem.
[starts walking away] Yeah, well, I'll guess I'll just have to take my chances, but... [gestures for him to go] good luck to you.
Y'know, I was hoping you'd see our dilemma and do the right thing... [Nacho shrugs] but I think what we have here is a carrot-and-stick situation.
...Oh, yeah? This the stick? Hmm? You come here threatening my family? Huh? Because you're gonna need a bigger stick, old man.
I'm not here to threaten your family... and the name of the stick is Tuco Salamanca. Now, if you don't play ball, so to speak, and Tuco finds out about your little side business... that a big enough stick? However, I'd prefer the carrot. I think you will, too.
[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]
Well, this all comes down to a personal dispute, that's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and uh, his "art patron".
1Detective #1
Art patron?
Uh, yeah. My client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman for whom Mr. Wormald provides... art, in exchange for this gentleman's generous, eh... we'll call it patronage.
2Detective #2
Art. Like what, paintings?
It's more like digital media.
2Detective #2
Digital media?
He made videos for the man.
1Detective #1
What kind of videos?
Private videos of an artistic nature. That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it was for.
1Detective #1
...So this "art patron" stole the videos and the baseball cards?
Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences. Artists are volatile creatures! Guys, this all comes down to just a lover's spat, okay? Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens, and the patron stole the videos and the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess. But the headline here is: it's all settled, hearts have mended and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.
2Detective #2
What was on these videos?
2Detective #2
You said that.
They were videos intended... to titillate the senses.
1Detective #1
Okay, so porn.
Not—No. Not as such. Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal. Just a man–a fully clothed man, I might add–just all by himself. Just–just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed... uh, yeah. So-
1Detective #1
Yeah, alright. So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself... doing what?
2Detective #2
Yeah, come on, man. What?
1Detective #1
What's a s-squat cobbler?
Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is.
1Detective #1
No, I don't–I don't know what a squat cobbler is.
2Detective #2
No, me neither. What is it?
Wha- you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man? Dutch Apple Ass? Guys, am I not speaking English here?
1Detective #1
What the hell is a squat cobbler?!
It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... [wiggles in his seat] he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise, it has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know, but, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets the waterworks cranked up.
2Detective #2
Pies? What, like apple?
Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... and there is a costume involved.
1Detective #1
[snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.
Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is a rich tapestry, my friends, but trust me on this: You don't want to see it.
[Jimmy bribes a bus driver to "break down". After handing bribe money to the driver, he climbs on board]
Howdy, folks! Could someone tell me if Mrs. Alma May Urbano is on board? Alma May Urbano? [sees an elderly woman raise her hand] There you are. Hello, dear. Very good to meet you. My name's Jimmy. I tried to visit you at Sandpiper, but they wouldn't allow me to. Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter. I saw your bus broken down, here you are. Lucky me. Do you prefer to be called Mrs. Urbano or Alma May or just plain Alma? My last name is McGill, but you can call me Jimmy. Hey, everyone! My name's Jimmy McGill. I'm an attorney at law, but, uh, don't mind me. Just talk amongst yourselves. Now, Alma May, do you recall responding to a mailer from my law firm, Davis & Main, of Santa Fe, New Mexico?
AMAlma May
I... I don't know.
Well, we were looking to help any Sandpiper residents who may have been overcharged for, uh, basic goods and services. Now, does that ring a bell?
AMAlma May
Oh! Maybe. Was it yellow?
It's canary yellow. I picked that color myself. [chuckles] Well, ma'am, I'm here to make sure you get your money back.
AAmos
What are you talking about? Who took Alma May's money?
Uh, well, now, that's a very good question. And thank you for asking, mister, uh...?
AAmos
Amos... Amos Lydecker.
Mr. Lydecker, Jimmy McGill. Now, nobody took anybody's money, uh, exactly. Okay? It's not like the Sandpiper people, you know, put on a ski mask and, uh, mugged Alma May here at gunpoint. So I want you to put that mental image right out of your head. See, what we're talking about here is more of a... it's just a discrepancy. It's, it's a little thing, it's fairly innocent. But we need to fix it. Do you follow me? [silence] Well, put it this way. Alma May, let's say you're out on a date with your boyfriend. You do have a boyfriend, right? [She shakes her head] Ah! You don't? Come on. You... Alma May's holding out on me. Do you have a nephew?
AMAlma May
Nephew? Oh, y-yes. Steve.
Okay, Steve. Is he a good guy?
AMAlma May
Yes, very good.
Okay. So, let's say you and Steve go out to dinner at, uh, well, Birdie's. That's where you're all headed today, right? All right. So, both of you have a great meal. It's chicken-fried steak and green beans, and it's all perfect. Here comes the check. "Hey, wait a doggone..." Twenty-four bucks for a side of buttermilk biscuits? "That doesn't sound right, now, does it?" No, it does not. It sounds like something got added up wrong. Well, naturally, you send your nephew Steve to talk to the manager, and naturally, the manager corrects the mistake. And what's more, he gives you a coupon for a free meal next time you come in. How about that? Good. Well, same kind of thing is what happened at Sandpiper Crossing. And nothing makes me sadder than to see people of the Greatest Generation... people like my own Nana and Bobo... gettin' overcharged by some great, big company. Even if it was an accident. Now, I know that the good people at Sandpiper want to make this right sooner or later, but you know what? Well, sometimes, it's just easier if you get your nephew Steve to go take care of it for you. And that's how I want you to think of me.
[Jimmy is distracted by Chuck's presence at a meeting at HHM]
How about we move on to client outreach?
Jimmy? You still with us?
I'm gonna save you from having to brag: Over two hundred new Sandpiper clients signed over the past three weeks. Well done, Jimmy.
Thank you. Thanks, Cliff. Right now, we're in the process of mapping out the entire Southwest, targeting the largest Sandpiper facilities first: Phoenix, Colorado Springs, Fort Worth, Provo. Ideally, my goal–another two hundred by the end of the month. With this many folks, we have an excellent shot at a solid batch of plaintiffs for the classes in each district.
Excellent! Looking forward to the next report. Onto a stickier wicket, coordinating actions–
Sorry, before we move on, I'd like to go back to client outreach just for a moment. Looking over these numbers here, really astonishing results, Jimmy. Incredible. Your last trip to Amarillo, you came back with twenty-two new clients.
Twenty-four! I'm confused. Um, how many people out there actually responded to our direct mailer?
Oh, right, yeah. A Mrs. Alma May Urbano... but you got twenty four new clients from this one response? That is... wow.
Well, you're welcome. I mean, what, is there a problem?
Well, might not some parties—the opposing counsel, for example—see this differential and conclude that there may have been some solicitation involved?
I'm just wondering how you account for your success, because it will definitely raise eyebrows over at Schweikart & Cokely. [to the room] I'm sorry, but it will. Particularly in a case involving seniors, for whom the ethical guidelines on solicitation were virtually created by the ABA.
Chuck, I'm sure that— [Chuck hushes him] Jimmy, if you could clear this up, that would be helpful.
I went to Amarillo to confer with a client, and to make sure that we had a solid, good-faith basis for our case there, overall. As many of you are aware, I've visited more than my share of retirement homes. These are close-knit communities, let me tell ya: word gets around real fast. If Dorothy in Phase 2 gets a new Rascal scooter, it's big news.
So these other twenty-three residents, they approached you?
Cliff, they heard the scuttlebutt before I crossed state lines, and I certainly didn't have to go knocking on any doors. And is it any surprise that they wanna speak with a guy who was there to show them they may have money coming their way? I gotta tell ya, with all that in mind: I shoulda done better.
Chuck? We good to move on?
[Jimmy and Chuck stare at each other; Chuck shrugs]
And Chuck, not incidentally, it is absolutely vital that we dot our I's and cross our T's here—invaluable. So, thank you.
Well, the price of excellence is eternal vigilance.
Look, I need you to understand something very critical here.
I put myself on the line to get you this job.
Okay, I thought it was because I'm sensational with old people.
Yeah, and who do you think told them that?
So what, you threw me a bone?
No. Asshole. You know I believe in you... but then I made my beliefs known to them, and now everything you do reflects back on me with Howard, 'cause ultimately I talked him into going out on a limb for you too. Do you understand? It's- it's my word, it's my judgement.
You and I both know you can do this job... [Jimmy frowns] but please, you just have to do it right.
[Jimmy takes a phone call from Cliff after the broadcast of the commercial.]
It's never too late for a congratulations. [picks up phone] Cliff! Jesus, you're still at the office.
Yeah. And oh my God, let me tell you, the response has been–
You ran a commercial without ever showing it to me, without first consulting me and my partners! Did you actually think that was going to fly?!
I was planning on telling you in the morning.
I only ran it once, just in one small market. It was kind of an experiment, all right? Kind of under the radar. And in all fairness, you did tell me client outreach was my department.
Don't be disingenuous. This commercial, I take it my firm's name is mentioned?
Jesus. Howard said you were a little eccentric. He didn't tell me you were a goddamn arsonist!
Cliff, to be fair, I don't think... I apologize if there was any misreading of the situation on my part, but there's a very positive headline here. We got 103 phone calls today, off a measly $700 ad buy. Now, that kind of return on investment you can't get–
Tomorrow morning. Eight o'clock, my office, with the partners, and we want to see this thing!
Cliff, when you see this, I know you–
[Cliff hangs up on Jimmy. Jimmy pretends he's still on the phone with Cliff as he walks back into the living room.]
Yeah, Cliff. Thank you... Yeah, you too... Okay, see ya.
[Jimmy shows his commercial to Davis and Main's partners]
You and I did discuss the possibility of a commercial.
A possibility in the abstract for a grand total of 30 seconds when I was halfway out the door!
I guess—I thought I heard enthusiasm, so I- I took some initiative.
Some? Wow. We are a team at Davis & Main, this is a team approach! You coming to us as a solo practitioner, I knew there's gonna be a learning curve, but if you simply can't fit in as part of the team-
I can fit in! I—I fit in. I am here to help you and HHM win Sandpiper. That's all this was about.
CCordova
Sandpiper's not what keeps the lights on around here.
LLynton
We- we have clients who wouldn't want to be associated with this kind of—this.
Our image, our reputation is something we've been carefully building for years. It's worth far more than any one case, something like this could damage it. Suffice it to say, there's not a lot of love for you in the room at the moment. The vote is currently 2-to-1 to fire you for cause. However, I believe in second chances, but know this is both strike one and strike two! Going forward, you can expect a great deal more scrutiny.
[Nacho is discussing his plan to have Mike kill Tuco]
You got a better plan? Go on, tell me. I'm all ears.
You sure about this? Killing your partner, heh... that's a bell you don't unring.
[Nacho pauses, then pulls back his shirt to reveal something lodged in his shoulder]
You see this? You know how I got this? Back in '96, '97, Tuco and I were working with these bikers out of Riverside County. They were selling this peanut-butter crank; real shit, y'know, but cheap, we could sell it as fast as we got it. Anyway... Tuco develops a taste for it, and crank does not bring out the best in people - made Tuco erratic. Our connect was a guy called Dog Paulson. One day, Tuco's settling up with Dog. He decides to put on his lie detector. Dog's like, "What the hell," you know; Tuco just keeps staring at him, then he goes real quiet. "You think I'm an idiot, Dog?" He thinks Dog is supplying his competitor, trying to cut Tuco out. Dog, he denies it, "no way, not me." Tuco doesn't even raise his voice, but suddenly he's got a sawed-off and... right in Dog's face. I was behind him. Sickest thing I ever saw to this day, and this? [pulls back his shirt again] A piece of Dog's skull under the skin, a little piece of him. I tried digging it out, but it's in there pretty good. Y'know, not the kind of thing you go to the doctor's for. The thing about it was... Tuco really liked Dog. Kinda felt bad about it afterwards, but when he's using: [popping sound] Loco, crazy. There's no other way to put it. And he's using again: Crystal, much bigger kick. [shrugs] So... it's like you said. If Tuco finds out about my, y'know, independent ventures... it's gonna be Dog all over again. It's him or me.
