[Jimmy accidentally runs over a skateboarder on his way home. He panics and gets out of the car.]
Oh God, oh God, oh God! Oh my God, Cal! Cal! Look at me! Are you okay?! Say something! [to Jimmy] What did you do?!
What did you do to my brother?! Why don't you look where you're going?!
I was making a turn, he came outta nowhere!
You freakin' hit him, man! You ran him over! You ran over my brother, [holds up video camera] I got the whole thing on video!
CalListen! It was an accident. It was an accident, he... he didn't mean to. [tries to get up and yells in pain]
Is it broken? [to Jimmy] You broke his leg! Why are you driving around and not lookin', driving around breaking people's legs!
Don't–don't call the police! Don't call the police!
[to two gardeners in Spanish] Policia! I'll call them myself. [starts dialing his phone]
How are you gonna fix this? What are you gonna do to make things right?
[long pause] I don't know, fellas. What can I do to make it right?
[The skateboarder twins look at each other briefly]
Cal
I don't know. [pause] Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred bucks? [another pause; Jimmy kicks Cal in the shin]
Cal
OW! What the hell, man?!
Listen, Starlight Express, I’m gonna give you a 9.6 for technique, 0.0 for choice of victim! I’m a lawyer! Furthermore, [points at his car] does this steaming pile of crap scream payday to you, huh?! The only way that entire car is worth $500 is if there’s a $300 hooker sitting in it! Now, let’s talk about what you owe me for the windshield.
[Cal and Lars grab their skateboards and run away from Jimmy]
Let me tell you about a young guy. Actually, he's about your age. He lived a long way from here, in a town called Cicero, Illinois. And in Cicero, he was the man. I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five, all the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back. They called him Slippin' Jimmy, and everybody wanted to be his friend.
"Slippin' Jimmy?" What the hell kind of name is that?
Well, I'll tell you now. Winters in Cicero are murder. You guys grown up out here in the golden west – you don't know, okay? I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose. I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife. In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter. But not Jimmy. Jimmy waited around all summer. And when September finally rolled around, he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan. He knew it was coming. Was it Christmas? Was it Kwanzaa? Better. It was slip-and-fall season. Soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice smooth patch of ice. State Street was good, Michigan Avenue was better. He'd pick a spot, wait for it to get busy, and he'd walk out on the ice and boom! He would diff it so hard, people would come running from five blocks away.
Cal
Yeah, but did he collect?
Did he collect? Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in. One good fall, he'd clear six, eight grand. That'd keep him in Old Milwaukee and Maui Wowie right through Labor Day.
[Jimmy is standing at a street corner with two skateboarders, planning a slip and fall scheme]
Betsy Kettleman’s her name. Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50, she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary. Now, you need a place where she’s gonna slow down, am I right?
All right. Well. There you go. She slows down. She hangs a right. You come shooting out of there. You did what you did to me. You go ass over teakettle. You make it a blue-ribbon special. When she gets out of the car, you’re sufferin' St. Sebastian, right? You’re the hammer, okay? You get in her face. You scare the bejesus out of her. Give me your phone. [Jimmy inputs his number]
It’s kind of busy here. Don’t you think?
Well, witnesses are good. Witnesses are pressure. All right? Now, once you’ve got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance. But really, you’re calling for me. I'm number one on your speed dial, right next to your weed dealer. [Jimmy hands back the phone] You call me. I hotfoot it over here. I just "happen" to be driving by. I stop to see what the trouble is. And this is the most important part – you don’t know me. We’ve never met. You got it?
Okay. Now, I’m Mrs. K’s white knight. We go mano a mano. You light into me, okay? Get nasty. And no touching. Leave the hair alone. But otherwise, you know, open season. Yell. Stomp. Call me a douchebag. I’m gonna play it cool. Give me back some of the razzmatazz and once she’s seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair – happy ending.
When do we get our money?
Cal
After.
After. You get paid when I get paid. I’m the rising tide that raises all dinghies. Now, pop quiz – what’s the car?
Cal
Mercury Sable wagon. Baby-poop brown.
Damn straight. Go with God.
[Jimmy helps the skateboarders onto wheelchairs.]
Cal
You—you are—you are the worst lawyer! The worst lawyer ever!
Hey, I just talked you down from a death sentence to six months' probation. I'm the best lawyer ever.
Better Call Saul · 283 quotes
