Gas station worker: Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.
Butt-head: Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"
Beavis: QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.
[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]

Gas station worker: Oh, Burger World, huh? I tried to get a job there once.

Gene Ween: Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up!
Beavis: [mocking him] Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up! Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up!
Butt-head: That was cool.

Gene Ween: If you think that I'm a loser...
Beavis: He is a loser!
Butt-head: This guy sucks!

Girl 2: We'll take you for a ride.

Girl in video: I feel like such an ass.
Butt-head: Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.
Beavis: Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass too?

Girl: Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head!
[every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies. Inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]

Golf Instructor: "Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft."
(They laugh)

Golf Instructor: "Let me see your bag."
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)

Golf Instructor: "You're pulling your head on every stroke."
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)

Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me...
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
Beavis: He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?
Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.

Gordon Gano: Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares...
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
Butt-head: But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [Dramatic shock sound effect plays]
Beavis: AH!
Butt-head: Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AH! NO!
Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
Butt-head: Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
Beavis: Yeah, it sucks. [Sound effect plays again] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
Butt-head: That was cool.
Beavis: No it wasn't.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AH! NO!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
Beavis: Oh yeah.
Butt-head: Everytime you do that, it sucks! [Sound effect plays again]
Beavis: AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

Gus Baker: Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
Gus Baker: Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
Butt-head: Huhuh, not Beavis.
Beavis: Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
Gus Baker: Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!
Butt-head: (looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
Gus Baker: Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"
Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah!! Really!!
Gus Baker: These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!
Beavis: Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!
Butt-head: Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!
Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!
Beavis: We use language?
Butt-head: (after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."
Beavis: Really? That sucks.
Butt-head: Can we say "buttwipe?"
Beavis: Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!
Butt-head: What about buttmunch?
Beavis: Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?
Butt-head: Dillweed?
Gus Baker: Hey! Do you use that language at home?
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah!
Beavis: Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)
Gus Baker: (running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!
Butt-head: Uhh...do you use that language at home?
Beavis: Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)

Gus Baker: You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!
Gus Baker: In my opinion, you betcha!
Butt-head: Yes!
Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!
Gus Baker: And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
Butt-head: This dude's cool.
Gus Baker: Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
Butt-head: Yeah. They suck!!
Gus Baker: But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!

Harry Sachz [After giving a bog-wash to Mr. Stevenson]: Listen very carefully, funny man! If you ever, EVER, call me again, I swear I'll find you, where ever you are, and I'll GUT you! [Undoes Mr. Stevenson's pants] And just to be sure you DON'T call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you're gonna have an AWFUL HARD TIME DIALLING IT!
Mr. Stevenson: No, please, no... [Sachz shoves phone up Mr. Stevenson's anus]