Phil Fish quotes from Barney Miller

You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.

Fish

That's because we're both dead.

Barney

How do you feel?

Fish

Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.

Barney

You'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.

Fish

I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Barney

This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism—it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.

Fish

You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.

Barney

[after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...

Harris

Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.

Fish

You're just the first person to put it into screams.

Fish

Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds—any suggestions?

Yemana

You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?

Fish

What?

Yemana

Sex.

Fish

Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?

Wojo

What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish

Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana

That's the way it is now.

Fish

Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. All kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?

Absolutely.

Fish

I'm just curious. What's it like?

It's heaven.

Fish

So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?

Philadelphia.

[on the $3,500 he found] Obviously, someone lost it, so I'd like to turn it in.

Fish

Anybody see you pick it up?

I don't think so.

Harris

Does anybody else know you found this money?

No.

Fish

[looking in packet] There's nothing else in here. No identification. No name.

I realize that.

Harris

You know, Mr. Woolen, if you ever decide to run for President, you've got my vote.

I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.

Barney

Not in a laundromat.

Fish

Or with the lights on.

You know, you remind me of my first husband.

Fish

Oh really?

He's dead now, but you look like him when he was alive too.

Chano

I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.

Fish

You've learned nothing from knowing me.

My husband is no longer with us.

Fish

I'm sorry.

I think I saw him on 14th Street one day. But I am not sure.

Fish

He just left you?

Yes.

Fish

Just got up one day and walked away?

Yes.

Fish

And it worked?

Yemana

Wojo and Harris chased the guy down into the sewer.

Barney

The sewer?!

Fish

[about to go into the bathroom] I'd better wait. I may be obstructing justice.