[after Tommy walks into the bar] It's Tommy.
Did you just flip your hair?
No!
But you are putting on lip gloss.
I also hedged the runway, do you wanna talk about it?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Chelsea is waving around a grilled cheese in front of a fasting Dee Dee]
Stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!
That's not the first time I heard that.
Chelse, don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh, my God. You are sporting, like, a giant power boner right now.
No. You just can't handle the fact that I have authority over you.
No, I can't handle the fact that you're being so bossy.
Right. Nobody can tell you anything. That's why you have such healthy relationships.
Okay, your healthiest relationship in the last 5 years has been with a tub of petroleum jelly.
RRobert
[in bed with Chelsea] One of my great joys is to cook for my lover and see the pleasure it gives her.
Yeah, I'm not a really big foodie. I'm more of a drinky and a screwy.
[Chelsea introduces her new boyfriend Robert to her friends]
Hey, man. Oh, nice basket.
RRobert
Thank you. I like women.
Oh. [laughs] No, no, no. I was talking about your picnic basket. I like women, too.
RRobert
You're bisexual. Good for you.
All right, you guys. Go ahead and try this. [gives Chelsea and Olivia each a shooter]
[after trying the shooter] Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this about alcohol in any form, but... Uhh.
What? What do you mean, "uhh"? It's great. It's lavender-infused vodka with a hint of cream and a cactus liqueur.
That's not a drink. It's a candle you buy at a lesbian bookstore.
WWarren
Community service? What'd you get arrested for? Being too hot?
[to Dee Dee] You didn't tell me this was the gifted program.
[hands Chelsea a file] Here's Warren's work package.
WWarren
Speaking of packages...
All right, stud, dial it back.
[planning a surprise party for Sloane] We'll have some light appetizers, like, you know, cocktails wieners, um, Dee Dee's cake, and then we'll invite some of her church friends. It'll be like a surprise.
[gasps] Can we get a stripper?
What do you think I meant by "cocktail wieners"?
[Sloane wakes up at a salon as a Russian esthetician exfoliates her arm]
Why is my Pikachu throbbing?
OOlga
Because I make it pretty.
You're getting a spa treatment. That's part of your surprise.
No! You said we were gonna do nothing.
Well, now we're taking a family photo.
A f... That's why you wax me? What kind of family photo are we taking? And what are you scrubbing me with? That hurts!
OOlga
There is no beauty without bother, Devchonka.
Are you Russian?
OOlga
Yes. And so are you, judging by your black forest.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Are You There, Chelsea? pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.