Spike quotes from Angel

Spike

Harmony just pulled me out of a very promising poker game down in Accounts Receivable, so this better be good. Oh, and, by the way, all the guys down there agree that astronauts don't stand a chance against cavemen, so don't even start.

Angel

Look, I can't do this anymore.

Spike

Admitting defeat, are you?

Angel

You and me. This isn't working out.

Spike

[mock-dramatic] Are you saying we should start annoying other people?

Spike

I've never flown before.

Angel

I've been in a helicopter. They don't... (looks nervously out the window) go this high.

Spike

Back to the mother country. Hey, after we save Fred, we should hit the West End, take in a show.

Angel

I've never seen Les Miz.

Spike

(scoffs) Trust me, half way through the first act, you'll be drinking humans again.

Angel

Can't lose her, Spike.

Spike

We won't.

Angel

I lost Cordy.

Gunn

What about her--If her organs have been liquefied?

Spike

[raises hand] Flash fried in a pillar of fire, savin' the world. I got better.

Angel

Any idea how she got past you?

Gunn

One second she was standing there, the next, poof.

Angel

She's a teleporter?

Wesley

I don't think so. No characteristic displacement of the atmosphere around her.

Spike

I fancied I saw a blur just before she went Houdini.

Gunn

Yeah, like she was pulling a Barry Allen.

Gunn

Jay Garrick? Wally-- Like she was moving really fast.

Wesley

Illyria.

Angel

We have to stop her before she-

Spike

Unleashes hell on earth?

Angel

What'd you get out of the doctor?

Spike

Screams. Various fluids. And a name: Vahla ha'nesh.

Spike

My first official parley as a very loosely affiliated member of... what are we? Tell me we're not Scoobies.

Angel

We haven't got-

Spike

[Interrupting] A name? Probably just as well. You'd want to be Angel's Avengers or something.

Angel

[laughing] Please. Angel's Avengers. Thats so... [stops laughing and gets a look implying that he likes the name]

Spike

So what's on the agenda?

Angel

Uh, I have assignments for people-- [a fizzing noise is heard, Angel glances over]

Spike

What? [Angel glares] I'm listening. With beer.

Angel

Forget it. This isn't a meeting, this is you being annoying.

Spike

[looking at the page] Hey, bullet points. Classy. Why am I always reconnaissance? I should get a decently flash gig like "save the girl" or "steal the emerald with the girl".

Angel

"Handsome man saved me from the monsters."

Spike

Exactly! Or... What's that now?

Angel

That's the first thing Fred said to me. In Pylea. She was trapped, hiding, afraid. Nearly crazy. Crazy, but brave. I should never have let her come here. Bad things always happen here.

Spike

Hate to break it to you, mate. But bad things always happen everywhere. Besides, she wanted to be here. It was her choice.

Angel

Was it?

Spike

Bugger, you're fixing to do something stupid, aren't you.

Angel

Done it. Came here. Spend every day lying to myself about making the world a better place.

Spike

Welcome to the planet. We all paint on our happy faces everyday, when all we really want is to pound the neighbour's missus, steal his Ben Franklins and, while we're at it, not think about the third of the world that's starving to death.

You break so easily. Why do you bother getting back up?

Spike

Right. We need to set some ground rules. First off... no more punching me in the face. Secondly, when I punch you in the face, you tell me how you feel so I can write that down on my clipboard. Third... no touching my clipboard. Fourth...

I enjoy hurting you.

Spike

Well, we're gonna have to fix that, 'cause...

Wesley

How goes it?

I've been hitting the half-breed. He makes noise.

Spike

We're off to a bit of a rough start, but don't worry. I'll break her.

Wesley

She's not a horse, Spike. You know, this room is equipped with automated training devices. You don't have to test her by just... allowing her to pummel you.

Spike

We're working on the basics. But don't worry--I'm writing it all down.

Wesley

Ok. Fine.

You reek of frustration. Curls off of you like smoke.

Spike

Actually, love, we call that scotch. 12-year Lagavulin, if I'm not mistaken. Good choice.

Wesley

It's nothing. I'm just, uh... I had a... slight disagreement with Angel.

Spike

Oh, old broody-pants got you wound up, eh? Keep in mind, he can't get laid without maybe going crazy. Makes it funny.

In my time, a leader would punish your insolence with death.

Wesley

We're not being insolent, Illyria.

Spike

I am.

This shell...you had affection for it. For Fred.

Spike

Tons. Loved the bird.

Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.

Spike

You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell it. And I got no problem hittin' it.

When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet.

Spike

"Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but--"

[punches him in the face] Illyria was all they needed to know.

Spike

Then came the Internet.

Spike

All right, grandma. Give you that. Good one.

This shell... you had affection for it, for Fred.

Spike

Tons. Loved the bird.

Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.

Spike

You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell i, and I got no problem hitting it.

You're adapting.

Spike

We do that.

Adaptation is compromise.

Spike

It's called learning. But then I guess you know everything there is to know.

When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet.

Spike

"Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but—"

[punches him in the face] Illyria was all they needed to know.

Spike

Then came the Internet.

You have nothing. Your kind has pulled this domain apart. Each of you has snatched a tiny piece of it. Even those with the mightiest hordes are paupers.

Spike

The one who dies with the most toys wins, eh?

To never die, and to conquer all. That is winning.

Spike

Now, that's cheating.

Angel

[speaking in comm] Spike, talk to you for a minute?

You may go.

Spike

Yeah, great. Thanks so much.

Angel

I helped save the world, you know.

Spike

Like I haven't.

Angel

Yeah, but I've done it a lot more.

Spike

Oh, please.

Angel

Closed the Hellmouth.

Spike

I've done that.

Angel

Yeah, but you wore a necklace. You know, I helped kill the Mayor, and uhm... Jasmine.

Spike

Do those really count as saving the world?

Angel

I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.

Spike

Buffy ran you through with a sword.

Angel

Yeah, but I made her do it. Signalled her with my eyes.

Spike

She killed you. I helped her. That one counts as mine.

You must be so lonely. Your girlfriend has become lovers with The Immortal. How unfortunate for you. And how fortunate for her.

Angel

You know The Immortal?

But of course.

Angel

Ha! I knew it. None of this is a coincidence.

Spike

Been his plan all along. Steal our head, keep us busy, and traipse off with my girl. [Angel gives him a look] Our girl.

Angel

It's a setup. You're just his lackey.

I should be so lucky. The Immortal does not need men like me to do his business. He is a wild card, a wolf removed from the pack, a stallion without, uh, the bridle.

Spike

What, are you in love with him?

No, no, no, no. Well, OK, yes. But if anything, he's more of a, uh, inspiration, a spiritual guide. Have you read his book? Is a life changer.

Angel

[whispers to Spike] I'm gettin' a little tired of Italy.

Spike

Know what you mean.

OK. No more games!

One more step, and the head gets it, hey? We are not animals. We are italiano. You give us the money, we give you the head.

You give us the money, we give you the head.

The money, the head. The money...

Angel

Yeah. We get it. [hits Spike] Money.

Spike

Hey!

Arrivederci, americanos. It was a pleasure to do the business with you.

I've grown wary of this world since my powers were depleted. Strange... though I've been made more human, this place remains disconcerting.

Spike

Yeah, well, I'm afraid that never goes away. Anyhow, I thought Wesley was giving you a primer on all things human.

He and I are no longer having intercourse.

Spike

Yeah, I... you what? What?

He has ceased communication with me.

Spike

Oh! Oh. Communi--

My recent reversion to the Burkle persona disturbed him. And he will not tell me why.

Spike

You don't know? You may not think you're as powerful as you were, Highness, but looking like Fred, for some of us... it's the most devastating power you have.

You'll have proof soon enough. A corrupted ruler on such a path sees treachery and betrayal all around him. He cannot suffer intimates and will eventually turn against them.

Spike

Guess I don't have to worry about that, 'cause Angel and me have never been intimate. Except that one...