We wouldn't go to the end of the driveway with you, much less international waters.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?
I never had one.
An imagination or a childhood?
It is now necessary for me to use the hackneyed phrase, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch." The word "hackneyed" here means used by so many writers it is a tiresome cliche. While, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" is a phrase to link what is going on in one part of a story with another part, and has nothing to do with cows or creamy salad dressing.
The Virginian Wolfsnake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter!
Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.
It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.
I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]
I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.
You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.
Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?
Because I'm taking you to prison.
Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.
Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.
Child's play. [pulls out a machete]
Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]
Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.
I like spiders.
Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.
I'm not falling for that!
No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]
You're not going anywhere, you snake.
You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn: snakes shed their skin!
VVanessa
Welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop happening.
If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there'd hardly be any sunshine to be seen. Instead there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness, blizzards of despair, misery in the form of sleet storms, various cold fronts of terror, horror, attacks of allergies, not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.
You know, in many ways I am married to the sea.
This is actually a large lake.
I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.
At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.
You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.
You're right.
I want to complain anyway.
It’s a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It’s like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking there's one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Although it was only a few hours ago.
You're not a sea captain.
Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.
I must say, other than a gaping middle age-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of struggle or break-in.
The point is that you just can't start jumping to conclusions. You jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got a hold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get a hold of your parents' enormous fortune.
Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth. Particularly if the thing is cats.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's A Series of Unfortunate Events pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.