Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.
S2 E1Seinfeld Vision
Hello, Jerry.
JSJerry Seinfeld
Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.
Yes, I did.
JSJerry Seinfeld
And it went well?
No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.
JSJerry Seinfeld
Another woman already? What did you say to her?
I did a fake survey.
JSJerry Seinfeld
You did the fake survey?!
I know! I'm not over it! [gestures to her wedding dress] And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?!
JSJerry Seinfeld
Are you imitating me?
No! This is what I sound like when I cry!
JSJerry Seinfeld
I think I'm a little insulted.
You're insulted? I'm crying!
S2 E2Jack Gets in the Game
Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!
["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]
[singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.
I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.
Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.
S2 E3The Collection
I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
A businesswoman.
I don't think that's a word.
S2 E4Rosemary's Baby
So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
I've got like twelve grand in checking.
Are you an immigrant?
Never go with a hippie to a second location.
You're honestly telling me you don't know who Rosemary Howard is?
Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?
S2 E5Greenzo
Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.
[Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]
GGreenzo
Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin!
You ever take off that costume?
GGreenzo
You ever take off yours? Greenzo, out.
CCerie
Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?
S2 E6Somebody To Love
What are you doing in Harlem?
CCC.C.
Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.
God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
CCC.C.
I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.
CCC.C.
Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.
I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.
Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?
S2 E7Cougars
I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
JJaime
I'm 20.
Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
JJaime
Are those friends of yours, or ...?
Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 30 Rock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.