30 Rock quotes

268 total quotes



All Seasons
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Buzz Aldrin: I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
Liz Lemon: Yes, please.
[Both turn to the moon]
Buzz Aldrin: I own you!
Liz Lemon: You dumb moon!
Buzz Aldrin: I walked on your face!
Liz Lemon: Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.
Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.
Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.
Liz: No, you're not.
Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.
Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.
Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?
Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!
Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...
Liz: You're done.

Dennis: Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
Jack: The Beeper King, really?
Liz: Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.
Dennis: You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?
Jack: I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.
Liz: It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.
Dennis: Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
Dennis: I don't think so.
Liz: Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

Priest: Don't you have faith?
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?
Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...

Dennis: [Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

Avery: Who is number one in your speed dial?
Jack: BlackBerry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffet.
Avery: Favorite movie?
Jack: Tie -- The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.

Criss: You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!
Liz: If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt?
Liz: Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...
Bev: Infertility? or Other.
Liz: Other.

Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!
Season 2

Danny: She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.

Accountant: My son Adam is a huge, huge fan!
Tracy: Yes, many of our viewers are obese.

Angie: D'Fwan, glue in the business weave.

C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.
C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.
Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.
Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.
Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.
Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.
Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!
Jack: I know.
Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?
Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.
Liz: Can I keep that?
Jack: No. It's my only copy.

Amy: Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.
Liz: Let me imagine what Peeta Mallark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.