Never thought squirrel could be so delicious.
Nuts are high in protein and fat. Makes for tender flesh. People forget I'm a doctor and I know shit. Hey. Check out his little squirrel dick. You dare me to flick it?
I didn't know we'd get lost. I was just trying to buy more time. You don't understand. It's a nightmare over there. Becca makes me wear full pajamas so our skins don't touch.
Lindsay may have stabbed me intentionally.
I only get 20% of the TiVo. And Becca's always erasing my shows "accidentally." I missed all last season of The Librarians.
Lindsay orders takeout for one. One time I took a French fry, and she made me give her a dollar even though it was on my credit card.
Becca once held my head in the toilet for a minute when I forgot to flush a duke.
No, seriously. That guy I mentioned earlier, Raul, he's her bull.
What? Whoa. What? So he porks her and you have to watch? What? Damn, that's crazy! Jesus, why doesn't anything cool ever happen to me?
[outside a women's health center] So then I heated up the condom in the microwave and I got a turkey baster.
PProtester
Wait, I need you to back up.
Okay, so I wanted a popsicle...
Lindsay, do not let those pro-life assholes talk you out of your legal right!
It's okay. I was already having second thoughts before this nice lady came over.
If Paul and I get divorced, I'm not gonna have a family anymore. Family. Name one family that's just one person.
Suddenly Susan. Listen, I know that becoming a real human being is a scary thing, but I'll help you. I got your back always.
Thanks, Gretch. All right. I'm ready.
Bam, nice try, terrorists. Another victory for women's rights.
PProtester
Actually, I was gonna tell her to do it. In my book, there are extenuating circumstances--rape, incest, and whatever this is.
I did what you said. I looked at my life from an outside perspective.
Yeah. Doesn't it feel great?
No, it was terrifying. I didn't recognize any of it.
I don't recognize my life. I don't know whether I made any of the right decisions. Everything could be wrong.
[Gretchen points at herself]
I am allowed to reassess my life. You have no say in it.
So I'm just supposed to wait around until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend? That's bullshit, dude. Just tell me one of the things on your list.
Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours.
[pulls out list] Okay. "I can't see having kids with her." Your turn.
I'm afraid you'll never be successful.
Last night, you said that I would never be successful. Well, I stayed up all night and wrote 35 amazing pages just to spite you. So, ha! Consider yourself thoroughly spited. Ha!
Cool. Okay, I take back the thing I said. You will be successful.
No, Jimmy! It's your turn to take back the mega-harsh thing you said to me. And then, voila, everything goes back to Normal Town, et cetera, et cetera... a little makeup boneage. Maybe some titty massages for Jimmy.
Wait, what exactly am I meant to take back?
[imitating]: "I can't see myself having kids with her."
Oh, that. No, I'm 100% sticking by that. Hey, can we do this titty massage on the patio? I just want to keep an eye on the hummingbird feeder.
You have dropped eight iPhones in the last year, one into a vat of ranch at Souplantation. Child-rearing requires skill. It's not the same as binge-watching a season of Exemplify.
Oh, my God, that is so sexist and mansplainy! You a Gamergater? Am I living with a Gamergater?
Sometimes I look at you and I think, "How did this person get in my house?" It's like I've lost the thread of a novel, and all of a sudden, there's this messy short woman who's clearly important to the story. So, I'm flipping back, thinking, "I don't remember that character being introduced."
Tell me about it! Some days it's like I un-blacked out from a week-long bender, and now I'm in this weird-ass house with sharp corners.
My mate was supposed to be so different. Classy, unbruised, a first-chair violinist for the Philharmonic. God, can you imagine it? Me in the wings of Disney Hall. And we wave good-bye to the other musicians, and I joke about what a drag it must be for Igor to haul that double bass home. And then Dudamel does a champagne spit-take and shakes his head at me like, "Oh, Jimmy, you are too much."
How am I not arm candy for some international movie star with a giant dong? He's part owner of a cool tech company and invents apps when he's not dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard in his latest movie. Sometimes we talk about adopting a kid from a third-world country, but we never do it. And we live in a legit-ass castle in Malibu with one of those big modern art pieces by the guy who does the big dots.
Yeah. A big old Lichtenstein.
Wow. How very sophomore year art history of you. You definitely shouldn't decorate your own house.
Dorothy's crying. It's very mucous-y.
Lindsay's just reciting the spoken word parts of Lemonade.
We're no better than them.
Oh, speak for yourself. I'm not the one who flung my sandwich like a upset chimp at the zoo.
I threw it because I realized I was living with an uptight dildo whose personality unmakes itself anytime something bad happens.
Says the woman who spent weeks catatonic on the couch in crusty yoga pants.
I have a clinical goddamn illness!
Oh, right. So you just win because your condition is listed in the DSM?
No! I win because I am doing something about it. You're just lashing out and putting me under a microscope!
It just happened! He just died. Right, I am still grieving, Gretchen. Jesus Christ!
Here! In shit, miserable! There just isn't room for you to be broken right now, too.
Oh, that... that is complete... How is that okay?
It's not. It is completely unfair.
No. This is not supposed to... One person is supposed to be in the hospital bed. And then the other uncomfortably sleeping on that little couch, just sneaking home to shower and... and walk the dog.
Right? Right, Jimmy. And yet...
[Both looking at a picture of Vernon and Becca's newborn baby]
It looks like the fox in the Nine Inch Nails video that's being eaten by ants.
It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video.
Why is its face so swollen? Did Becca give birth directly over a beehive?
Even at an illegal baby mill, they'd be like, "Yeah, that's okay. We're good."
The world is absolutely lousy with people, and I hate them all. I hate everyone but you.
Yeah. I hate everyone else, too. Now, let's look for clues.
You did something really horrible for us. You went to therapy, and for me you did this. And thus, you deserve as grand a gesture in return. And since I am 100% psychologically sound and do not need therapy of any kind...[kneels and pulls out a ring] Gretchen, extraordinary, confounding Gretchen, she who emits more energy than a dying galaxy, despite not washing her legs, together we transcend the mundanity down there. Separate, it shall eventually consume us and turn us as mundane as them, and to allow that to happen simply because we were scared would be a criminal act.
The article? The Twitter account?
Oh, no. That was real. No, we were way lucky on that one.
[Gretchen kisses Jimmy]
Jimmy, yeah... Wait. You haven't actually asked yet. I am not doing that again.
Yes! [Jimmy puts the ring on her finger] You made a murder for me! Hey, uh, you ever boned down during the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?
Yeah, me, too, but not as an engaged person.
I'll get us a hoodie from the car to lie on.
Hurry back. This fits, you know? You lost your dad, but you gained me. We're a family. [Jimmy's smile fades] That's pretty cool, right? We're no longer just whatever we were. We're no longer just us. We're a family now.
[Jimmy takes a hoodie out of the car, then gets inside and drives away]
