Sheldon Cooper quotes from Young Sheldon

Sheldon

50 yards, go for it.

Sheldon

It's paternity test day on Ricki Lake and I'm missing it.

I always believed my extraordinary life would be chronicled in numerous biographies. I even used to make up my own titles. My favorites were: From Texas to Success: the Sheldon Cooper Journey, and Cooper for Kids, a pre-school introduction to quantum gravity in superstrings. The point is, I knew my formative years would be well-documented, which meant I needed to polish up some of my early academic credentials, especially East Texas Tech.

Sheldon

(quietly) 54 days.

"I've always loved trains. In fact, if my career in theoretical physics hadn't worked out, my backup plan was to become a professional ticket taker. Or hobo. And when I figured out that trains allowed me to prove Newton's first law... An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force... I felt like Neil Armstrong on the moon, alone and happy."

Mary Cooper

Shelly, dinner's ready!

"I don't care how dimwitted you are. Scientific principles have to make you smile. Of course, nobody I knew in East Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig."

Missy Cooper

Sheldon, if you don't get in here, I'm gonna lick your toothbrush.

Sheldon Cooper

Coming!

"That's my sister. And she's done it before."

George Cooper Sr.

Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?

Mary Cooper

George, language.

George Cooper Sr.

What language? So?

Sheldon Cooper

I was exploring dimensional kinematics.

Georgie Cooper

Admit it, he's adopted.

Sheldon Cooper

How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think.

Mary Cooper

That's enough. No one's adopted.

Missy Cooper

I wish I was.

Mary Cooper

That can still be arranged.

Missy Cooper

[in church, listening to a sermon about 'evil thoughts'] I'm having an evil thought right now.

Sheldon Cooper

What?

Missy Cooper

"I'm going to kick you in the balls when we get home."

Sheldon

You lied to your moon pie.

I was bluffing my moon pie.

Sheldon

Do people know about this?

Sheldon, what's on a person face is not always what's in their heart.

Sheldon

Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?

You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

Sheldon

What's she say?

The doctors are doing some tests, but dollar to donuts, your daddy's just got a bad case of gas. Y'all two go get ready for bed.

Georgie

I don't want to stay around here. I want to go to the hospital and see dad.

Well, i want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Georgie

This is stupid.

You know what's stupid? I got to drink pink wine

Sheldon

Meemaw

What?

Sheldon

Is dad really okay?

Yes

Sheldon

I hope you're not bluffing.

Georgie

I'm driving to the hospital. You can come with me or stay here, up to you.

Missy

I'm coming.

Georgie

Sheldon?

Sheldon

You're 14. You don't know how to drive.

Georgie

I drove a tractor at 4-H camp. It's the same thing.

Sheldon

But you sat on the farmer's lap.

Georgie

Then stay here. Come on, Missy.

Sheldon

(He suddenly hears Meemaw snore, and turning. Afraid he's gonna be blame for the runaway, Sheldon decides to join George and Missy).

Georgie

Dang it.

Missy

Are you aiming for them?

Georgie

Everybody just shut up. I got this.

Sheldon

Oh, no. We're going to jail.

Missy

Georgie's going to jail. I'm saying I was kidnapped

Sheldon

That's a good plan. You and I were kidnapped.

Georgie

If I'm going to jail, we're all going to jail.

Sheldon

Oh, you'd better pull over.

Georgie

Oh, thank god.

Sheldon

Well, don't just sit there. Follow it.

Georgie

Why?

Sheldon

It's an ambulance. It's going to the hospital.

Georgie

Hang on.

Missy

How about i put the radio on real low.

Georgie

Shut up.

Fun fact: The first time I almost died was at the age of nine. The murder weapon: A Jimmy Dean sausage.

Missy

Mom, Sheldon's making faces at me.

Mary

Sheldon?! Honey!

In fairness to Mr. Dean, this one morning I decided to forego my normal twenty chews per bite, as prescribed by the American Medical Association.

Mary

George, help!

George

[bending Sheldon over his knee] Come here, boy. We got it. We just got to smack it out. [He smacks Sheldon on the back]

To further complicate matters, in any real life crisis, my family's default mode is mindless panic.

Missy

[from the comfort of the breakfast table] Sheldon's gonna die! Sheldon's gonna die!

Or heartless apathy.

George

Here we go. This is how you do it. Here we go. And shake.

It's interesting, the things you think about when life is ebbing from your body. For instance, linoleum. What is it, really? Plastic? And if so, how is it from Formica?

Mary

I'm calling 911.

And what about Count Chocula? How is he a count? Did the title come with land?

Mary

George, Heimlich! [George puts the boy on his feet and does a heimlich maneuver] Don't hurt his little ribs!

They say in the final moments, your life passes before your eyes. All I saw was my brother licking jelly off the knife, and putting it back in the jar.

Mary

Okay, it's better now. Sheldon! Honey, are you okay? Can you breathe? Say something!

Sheldon

You have to... throw away... that jelly!

Sheldon

The math says they should never punt again.

Who's his real daddy?

Sheldon

The cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.

That's amazing!

Sheldon

No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Tam

You know, sometimes you sound like a super villain.

Sheldon

[excitedly high-pitched] Silence!

Tam

That'll be more effective after your voice changes.

Sheldon

[Tam steps away. Sheldon sighs]

Sheldon

Silence!

Sheldon

Dad, can we afford a computer?

George Sr.

You do my taxes. What do you think?

Sheldon

[pause] Nevermind.