Bernard Woolley quotes from Yes, Minister

Hacker

Why is it that ministers can't ever go anywhere without their briefs?

Bernard

It's in case they get caught with their trousers down.

Bernard

We can CGSM it.

Hacker

CGSM?

Bernard

Civil Service code, Minister. It stands for "Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers".

Hacker

What?

Bernard

A load of old cobblers, Minister.

Hacker

I'm not a civil servant. I shall use my own code. I shall write: "Round Objects".

Bernard

You remember that letter you wrote "Round Objects" on?

Hacker

Oh yes.

Bernard

It's come back from Sir Humphrey's office. He's commented on it.

Hacker

What does he say?

Bernard

Who is Round and to what does he object?

Sir Humphrey

If local authorities don't send us statistics, Government figures will be a nonsense.

Hacker

Why?

Sir Humphrey

They'll be incomplete.

Hacker

Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.

Bernard

I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.

Bernard

[on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.

Bernard

One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.

Sir Humphrey

[walks in on the stroke of ten] What's all this about?

Bernard

The minister's just left the office, that's all.

Sir Humphrey

That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?

Bernard

I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff.

Sir Humphrey

Who's he talking to?

Bernard

Perhaps he was just restless.

Sir Humphrey

If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!

Bernard

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

Tell me who the minister's talking to.

Bernard

Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone?

Sir Humphrey

Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?

Bernard

Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.

Bernard

Room 4017.

Sir Humphrey

I know!

Hacker

Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?

Bernard

God moves in a mysterious way.

Hacker

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, OK?

Bernard

Will you tell him or shall I?

Hacker

Get Humphrey to come back here at once.

Bernard

Yes, Minister. [Picks up phone] The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days.

Hacker

At once.

Bernard

In fact, sometime today is really...

Hacker

At once!

Bernard

...Sometime during the next 60 seconds. [hangs up] He's coming round now.

Hacker

Why? Did he faint?

Bernard

No, he's just, you know...

Hacker

This is serious, Bernard.

Bernard

Yes, I know.

Hacker

This is no laughing matter.

Bernard

No, certainly not.

Hacker

The question is, how am I going to deal with it?

Bernard

In my opinion...

Hacker

The question was purely rhetorical, Bernard.

Hacker

Isn't this terrible? Print baseless accusations like this!

Sir Humphrey

Oh, yes, yes, terrible.

Hacker

Baksheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!

Sir Humphrey

Absolutely, Minister!

Hacker

Still, it's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?

Bernard

I think the sports news is behind it.

Hacker

I want to know the truth, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

I don't think you do, Minister.

Hacker

Will you answer a direct question?

Sir Humphrey

I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.

Hacker

Why?

Sir Humphrey

It might provoke a direct answer.

Hacker

It never has yet.

Hacker

Bernard, what do YOU know about this? Tell me on your word of honour.

Bernard

Oh, well, I... er... Er, that is... there was. Someone did.

Sir Humphrey

It’s a lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay.

Hacker

Bernard?

Bernard

Well one of the Kumranis did tell me he'd received...

Sir Humphrey

Hearsay, Minister.

Hacker

Hearsay?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, Bernard heard him say it.

Hacker

Sir Mark thinks there might be votes in it, and I do not intend to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sir Humphrey

I put it to you, Minister, that you are looking a Trojan horse in the mouth.

Hacker

You mean if we look closely at this gift horse, we'll find it's full of Trojans?

Bernard

Um, if you had looked the Trojan Horse in the mouth, Minister, you would have found Greeks inside. Well, the point is that it was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans, so technically it wasn't a Trojan horse at all; it was a Greek horse. Hence the tag "timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", which, you will recall, is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as "beware of Greeks bearing gifts", or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.

Hacker

Yes, well, I'm sure Greek tags are all very well in their way; but can we stick to the point?

Bernard

Sorry, sorry: Greek tags?

Hacker

"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." I suppose the EEC equivalent would be "Beware of Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus".

Sir Humphrey

Excellent, Minister.

Bernard

No, well, the point is, Minister, that just as the Trojan horse was in fact Greek, what you describe as a Greek tag is in fact Latin. It's obvious, really: the Greeks would never suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle (bewaring that is). And it's clearly Latin, not because timeo ends in "-o", because the Greek first person also ends in "-o" – although actually there is a Greek word timao, meaning 'I honour'. But the "-os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek, and an accusative plural in Latin, of course, though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for 'Greek'; it's also the Latin for 'Greek'. It's very interesting, really.

Bernard

So what do we believe in?

Sir Humphrey

At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister.

Bernard

But why?

Sir Humphrey

Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate. The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president. The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms. Everything is connected to everything else. Who said that?

Bernard

The Cabinet Secretary?

Sir Humphrey

Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.

Bernard

How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister?

Sir Humphrey

Interesting question. You tell me.

Bernard

I don't know.

Sir Humphrey

Work it out. You're supposed to be a high flier. Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind?

Hacker

I'm trapped. I can't tell the PM, I can't not tell the PM.

Sir Humphrey

I see.

Bernard

I was just wondering, Minister, if we may not use the Rhodesia solution.

Sir Humphrey

Bernard! You excel yourself! Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia solution!

Hacker

What are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey

Oil sanctions, remember? A member of the government was told about the way British companies were sanction-busting.

Hacker

What did you do?

Bernard

He told the Prime Minister.

Hacker

What did he do?

Sir Humphrey

He told the Prime Minister in such a way that the Prime Minister didn't hear him.

Hacker

Would you mean I should mumble it or something in the division lobby?

Sir Humphrey

No, Minister, you write a note.

Hacker

In very faint pencil? Please, be practical.

Sir Humphrey

No, Minister, it's awfully obvious; you write a note which is susceptible to misinterpretation.

Hacker

Oh, I see. Dear Prime Minister, it has come to my attention that the Italian Red Terrorists are getting hold of British top secret bomb-making equipment—how do you misinterpret that?

Sir Humphrey

You can't.

Hacker

Well, exactly.

Sir Humphrey

So you don't write that. You use a more circumspect style, and you avoid any mention of bombs, or terrorists, or any of that.

Hacker

Wouldn't that be rather difficult? Is that what it's all about?

Sir Humphrey

You say—Bernard, write this down—My attention has been drawn, on a personal basis, to information which suggests the possibility of certain irregularities under Section... [snaps fingers]

Bernard

Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939 C.

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Bernard. You then go on to suggest that somebody else should do something about it. Prima facie evidence suggests that there could be a case for further investigation; to establish whether or not enquiries should be put in hand. And then you smudge it all over.

Sir Humphrey

Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited, and relevant facts could be difficult to establish with any degree of certainty.

Hacker

I see.

Sir Humphrey

Then, if there were an inquiry, you'd be in the clear, and everybody would understand that the busy PM might not have grasped the full implications of such a letter

Hacker

They certainly would; that's most unclear.

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Minister. Then you arrange for the letter to arrive at Number 10 on the day the PM leaves for an overseas summit, so there's also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note. And so the whole thing is written off as a breakdown in communications, everybody's in the clear, and everybody can get on with their business.

Bernard

Including the Red Terrorists.

Sir Humphrey

Exactly.

Bernard

If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, what an extraordinary idea! I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years. If I'd believed in all their policies, I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, and passionately committed to joining it. I'd have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel and of denationalising it and renationalising it. Capital punishment? I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist. I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac, but above all, I would have been a stark-staring raving schizophrenic!

Hacker

Nothing wrong with subsidising sport. Sport is educational.

Sir Humphrey

We have sex education too. Should we subsidise sex, perhaps?

Bernard

[earnestly] Oh, could we?