[The Home Secretary has been forced to resign after a drunk-driving incident]
What will happen to him?
Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one.
“Christmas Special (1984): Party Games”
In this episode: Sir Humphrey Appleby (6), James Hacker (6), Bernard Woolley (4), Annie (2), Sir Arnold (2)
[The EEC wants to standardise sausages, and it turns out British bangers are not up to the standard]
By the end of next year, we shall be waving good-bye to the good old British sausage, and we'll be forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something in its place.
They can't stop us eating the British sausage, can they?
Hacker They can stop us calling it the sausage, though. Apparently, it's going to be called the "emulsified high-fat offal tube".
And you swallowed it?
[Bernard is waiting at the Hackers' flat for the Minister to come home]
AHAnnie Hacker
He's obviously been held up. You can stamp some of these cards for me while you're waiting if you like.
Oh, but aren't they to constituents?
Yes.
Well, that's not government business, Mrs Hacker, that's political activity. I'm not allowed to help with the Minister's political activities.
Suppose they were all to journalists?
Oh, that would be alright.
They're all to journalists.
Fine. I suppose licking is an essential part of relationships with the press.
[Discussing possible reasons for the Prime Minister's early retirement]
Minister, I've heard something quite different.
What?
That there is £1 million worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe, but of course it's only a rumour.
Is that true?
Oh, yes.
So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!
Are there?
You just said there were.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did! You said you'd heard this rumour, I said is it true, you said yes!
I said yes, it was true that it was a rumour.
You said you heard it was true!
No, I said it was true that I heard it!
I'm sorry to cut into this important discussion, but do you believe it?
I believe I heard it. Oh, about the diamonds. No.
Is it impossible?
No, but it's never been officially denied. First rule in politics: never believe anything until it's officially denied.
So, will our next Prime Minister be our eminent Chancellor or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?
That's what I wanted to ask you, which do you think it should be?
Hmmm. Difficult, like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.
Have we any allies?
Oh, quite a few yes; the Chief Whip, particularly. But he's worried that whichever gets the job will antagonise the other's supporters and split the party.
So we're looking for a compromise candidate.
Hmm. Malleable.
Flexible.
Likeable.
No firm opinions.
No bright ideas.
Not intellectually committed.
Without the strength of purpose to change anything.
Someone who you know can be manipula— professionally guided.
And leave the business of government in the hands of the experts.
[Long beat as Sir Arnold and Sir Humphrey slowly realise Hacker is the perfect candidate. They catch each other's eye and burst into uproarious laughter.]
Bernard, what would you say to your present master as the next Prime Minister?
The Minister?
Yes.
Mr Hacker?
Yes.
As Prime Minister?
Yes.
[Bernard checks his watch]
Are you in a hurry?
No; I'm just checking to see it wasn't April the First.
[Talking about his promotion] The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination.
... I see.
I'm... on my way out.
What?
There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store. When one passes on.
[horrified] Passes on!?
To pastures new, perhaps greener, and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us.
Humphrey... I'm so sorry.
Oh, thank you, Minister.
Does Lady Appleby know?
Well, she's suspected it for some time, apparently.
When did they tell you?
This afternoon.
How long did they give you?
Oh, just a few weeks...
[horrified] A few weeks!?
Well, it'll give me enough time to sort everything out.
[his eyes filling with tears] Oh Humphrey, you're so terribly brave.
Well, one is a little anxious of course. One is always rather wary of the unknown, but I have faith somehow I'll muddle through.
[Hacker takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and begins to cry into it]
Minister, what is the matter?
I am sorry, Humphrey. Just, well we had our ups and downs.
Oh Minister, do not take on so. We will still be seeing one another regularly. Yes, once a week at least.
[Hacker looks up, aghast]
What??
I have not told you where I am going yet. I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.
Secretary to the Cabinet?
What did you think I meant?
I thought, I..., I....
How are things at the Campaign for Freedom of Information?
I'm sorry, I can't talk about it.
[Hacker, Humphrey and Chief Whip Jeffery are talking about Hacker's campaign on Prime Ministership ]
But supposing somebody would say "Does that mean you refuse to stand?" You know how these media people try to trap you.
Well, Minister, it's not my place, but on previous occasions, a generally acceptable answer has been "While one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country. And if one's friends were to persuade one that that was the best way one could serve, one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever one's own private wishes might be."
[taking notes] "...private wishes might be." yes, I think I've got that.
[Jim Hacker and Maurice, the EEC Commissioner, are having a meeting to discuss the EEC plans to name British sausages 'emulsified high fat offal tubes':]
One of your officials pays farmers to produce surplus food, while on the same floor, the next office is paying them to destroy the surpluses.
MMaurice
That is not true!
No?
MMaurice
He is not in the next office, not even on the same floor!
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