Isn't this terrible? Print baseless accusations like this!
Sir HumphreyOh, yes, yes, terrible.
Baksheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!
Sir Humphrey
Absolutely, Minister!
Still, it's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?
I think the sports news is behind it.
I want to know the truth, Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey
I don't think you do, Minister.
Will you answer a direct question?
Sir Humphrey
I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.
Sir Humphrey
It might provoke a direct answer.
Bernard, what do YOU know about this? Tell me on your word of honour.
Oh, well, I... er... Er, that is... there was. Someone did.
Sir Humphrey
It’s a lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay.
Well one of the Kumranis did tell me he'd received...
Sir Humphrey
Hearsay, Minister.
Sir Humphrey
Yes, Bernard heard him say it.
Are you telling me Humphrey that the BES contract was won by bribery?
Sir Humphrey
Oh Minister, I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery.
What would you like me to say? Slush funds, sweeteners, brown envelopes?
Sir Humphrey
Oh Minister these are extremely crude and unworthy expressions for what is no more than creative negotiation. It is the general practice.
You do realise what you're saying don’t you, Humphrey? I ratified that contract, didn’t I? In good faith!
Sir Humphrey
Yes indeed, Minister.
And in that communiqué I issued to the press, I announced a British success won in a fair fight!
Sir Humphrey
Mm, yes, I did wonder about that bit.
Now you're telling me it was got by bribery.
Sir Humphrey
No, Minister.
Oh, it was not got by bribery?
Sir Humphrey
That is not what I said.
Sir Humphrey
I said I'm not telling you it was got by bribery.
Well how would you describe these payments?
Sir Humphrey
How does the contract describe them you mean? Oh, well, that's really quite simple. Retainers, personal donations, special discounts. Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, political contributions, management expenses.
And how are these payments made?
Sir Humphrey
Well anything from a numbered account in a Swiss bank, to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents.
[Hacker has been offered the job of Transport Supremo.]
Sir Mark thinks there might be votes in it, and I do not intend to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Sir Humphrey
I put it to you, Minister, that you are looking a Trojan horse in the mouth.
You mean if we look closely at this gift horse, we'll find it's full of Trojans?
Um, if you had looked the Trojan Horse in the mouth, Minister, you would have found Greeks inside. Well, the point is that it was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans, so technically it wasn't a Trojan horse at all; it was a Greek horse. Hence the tag "timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", which, you will recall, is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as "beware of Greeks bearing gifts", or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.
Yes, well, I'm sure Greek tags are all very well in their way; but can we stick to the point?
Sorry, sorry: Greek tags?
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." I suppose the EEC equivalent would be "Beware of Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus".
Sir Humphrey
Excellent, Minister.
No, well, the point is, Minister, that just as the Trojan horse was in fact Greek, what you describe as a Greek tag is in fact Latin. It's obvious, really: the Greeks would never suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle (bewaring that is). And it's clearly Latin, not because timeo ends in "-o", because the Greek first person also ends in "-o" – although actually there is a Greek word timao, meaning 'I honour'. But the "-os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek, and an accusative plural in Latin, of course, though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for 'Greek'; it's also the Latin for 'Greek'. It's very interesting, really.
So what do we believe in?
Sir Humphrey
At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister.
Sir Humphrey
Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate. The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president. The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms. Everything is connected to everything else. Who said that?
Sir Humphrey
Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.
[The Minister has received a letter with information about sanctions violations.]
I'm trapped. I can't tell the PM, I can't not tell the PM.
Sir Humphrey
I see.
I was just wondering, Minister, if we may not use the Rhodesia solution.
Sir Humphrey
Bernard! You excel yourself! Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia solution!
What are you talking about?
Sir Humphrey
Oil sanctions, remember? A member of the government was told about the way British companies were sanction-busting.
He told the Prime Minister.
Sir Humphrey
He told the Prime Minister in such a way that the Prime Minister didn't hear him.
Would you mean I should mumble it or something in the division lobby?
Sir Humphrey
No, Minister, you write a note.
In very faint pencil? Please, be practical.
Sir Humphrey
No, Minister, it's awfully obvious; you write a note which is susceptible to misinterpretation.
Oh, I see. Dear Prime Minister, it has come to my attention that the Italian Red Terrorists are getting hold of British top secret bomb-making equipment—how do you misinterpret that?
Sir Humphrey
You can't.
Sir Humphrey
So you don't write that. You use a more circumspect style, and you avoid any mention of bombs, or terrorists, or any of that.
Wouldn't that be rather difficult? Is that what it's all about?
Sir Humphrey
You say—Bernard, write this down—My attention has been drawn, on a personal basis, to information which suggests the possibility of certain irregularities under Section... [snaps fingers]
Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939 C.
Sir Humphrey
Thank you, Bernard. You then go on to suggest that somebody else should do something about it. Prima facie evidence suggests that there could be a case for further investigation; to establish whether or not enquiries should be put in hand. And then you smudge it all over.
Sir Humphrey
Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited, and relevant facts could be difficult to establish with any degree of certainty.
Sir Humphrey
Then, if there were an inquiry, you'd be in the clear, and everybody would understand that the busy PM might not have grasped the full implications of such a letter
They certainly would; that's most unclear.
Sir Humphrey
Thank you, Minister. Then you arrange for the letter to arrive at Number 10 on the day the PM leaves for an overseas summit, so there's also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note. And so the whole thing is written off as a breakdown in communications, everybody's in the clear, and everybody can get on with their business.
Including the Red Terrorists.
Sir Humphrey
Exactly.
If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?
Sir Humphrey
Oh, what an extraordinary idea! I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years. If I'd believed in all their policies, I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, and passionately committed to joining it. I'd have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel and of denationalising it and renationalising it. Capital punishment? I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist. I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac, but above all, I would have been a stark-staring raving schizophrenic!
Sir Humphrey
In addition to your existing responsibilities, you will be Cabinet Minister responsible for the Arts.
[smiling] Eh? I say, that's rather good, isn't it? Hold on -- how do you know about this before I do?
Sir Humphrey
Oh, I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary shortly after the decision was taken.
[pleased] Cabinet Minister with the responsibility for the Arts, eh? Well well well!
Sir Humphrey
Yes indeed!
Thank you for letting me know, Humphrey! Anything more? I'm just about to start a meeting.
Sir Humphrey
Oh, the meeting, yes. Now Minister, I do hope that you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject you're discussing.
What, rescuing a football club?
Sir Humphrey
No, no, no; I was wondering how it would look if, as Cabinet Minister responsible for the Arts, your first action would be to knock down an art gallery.
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
I can't believe this! You mean I've got to go and tell the people back home that you've gone back on your word? I mean, it was your own idea!
I mean, it's not me, it's the law!
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Well, why didn't you find out until now?
[Bernard coughs, attracting the Minister's attention, and keeps glancing at the paperwork for increased allowances for councillors, until Hacker finally gets the hint]
[taking the paperwork in hand] Let me be absolutely frank with you. The truth is, it would be possible to push this through. Just possible. But it would take an awful long time.
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Okay, take the time! We've spent enough!
Yes, but the trouble is, you see, something else would have to go by the board. And the thing that's taking my time at the moment is forcing through this increase in councillor's expenses and attendance allowances. You see, I can't put my personal weight behind both schemes. I suppose I could forget about the increased allowances for councillors...
[Wilkinson and his fellow councillors look at each other, alarmed]
...concentrate on the legal obstacles to the sale of the art gallery.
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
[in a less confrontational tone] Tricky things, legal obstacles.
Sir Humphrey
And this is a particularly tricky one.
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
And at the end of the day, you might still fail.
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Well, if that's the way it is... [turns to one of his fellow councillors] There is a chance that we might want to close Edgehill Road Primary at the end of the year. That site should fetch a couple of million, give or take.
[the councillors rise from their chairs]
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Well, there it is, then! No ill feelings, Jim! [shakes hands with the Minister]
Good! And you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles?
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Of course we will!
[Councillor Wilkinson points at the paperwork regarding increased allowances for councillors]
CBCouncillor Brian Wilkinson
Ah, carry on with the good work, eh?
[the councillors depart]
Sir Humphrey
Oh, Minister...a work of art.
Yes, Minister · 89 quotes
