Sir Humphrey Appleby quotes from Yes, Minister

Hacker

What will happen to him?

Sir Humphrey

Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one.

Sir Arnold

So, will our next Prime Minister be our eminent Chancellor or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?

Sir Humphrey

That's what I wanted to ask you, which do you think it should be?

Sir Arnold

Hmmm. Difficult, like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.

Sir Arnold

Have we any allies?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, quite a few yes; the Chief Whip, particularly. But he's worried that whichever gets the job will antagonise the other's supporters and split the party.

Sir Arnold

So we're looking for a compromise candidate.

Sir Humphrey

Hmm. Malleable.

Sir Arnold

Flexible.

Sir Humphrey

Likeable.

Sir Arnold

No firm opinions.

Sir Humphrey

No bright ideas.

Sir Arnold

Not intellectually committed.

Sir Humphrey

Without the strength of purpose to change anything.

Sir Arnold

Someone who you know can be manipula— professionally guided.

Sir Humphrey

And leave the business of government in the hands of the experts.

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, what would you say to your present master as the next Prime Minister?

Bernard

The Minister?

Sir Humphrey

Yes.

Bernard

Mr Hacker?

Sir Humphrey

Yes.

Bernard

As Prime Minister?

Sir Humphrey

Yes.

Sir Humphrey

Are you in a hurry?

Bernard

No; I'm just checking to see it wasn't April the First.

Sir Humphrey

[Talking about his promotion] The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination.

Hacker

... I see.

Sir Humphrey

I'm... on my way out.

Hacker

What?

Sir Humphrey

There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store. When one passes on.

Hacker

[horrified] Passes on!?

Sir Humphrey

To pastures new, perhaps greener, and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us.

Hacker

Humphrey... I'm so sorry.

Sir Humphrey

Oh, thank you, Minister.

Hacker

Does Lady Appleby know?

Sir Humphrey

Well, she's suspected it for some time, apparently.

Hacker

When did they tell you?

Sir Humphrey

This afternoon.

Hacker

How long did they give you?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, just a few weeks...

Hacker

[horrified] A few weeks!?

Sir Humphrey

Well, it'll give me enough time to sort everything out.

Hacker

[his eyes filling with tears] Oh Humphrey, you're so terribly brave.

Sir Humphrey

Well, one is a little anxious of course. One is always rather wary of the unknown, but I have faith somehow I'll muddle through.

Sir Humphrey

Minister, what is the matter?

Hacker

I am sorry, Humphrey. Just, well we had our ups and downs.

Sir Humphrey

Oh Minister, do not take on so. We will still be seeing one another regularly. Yes, once a week at least.

Hacker

What??

Sir Humphrey

I have not told you where I am going yet. I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.

Hacker

Secretary to the Cabinet?

Sir Humphrey

What did you think I meant?

Hacker

I thought, I..., I....

Sir Humphrey

How are things at the Campaign for Freedom of Information?

Sir Arnold

I'm sorry, I can't talk about it.

Hacker

But supposing somebody would say "Does that mean you refuse to stand?" You know how these media people try to trap you.

Sir Humphrey

Well, Minister, it's not my place, but on previous occasions, a generally acceptable answer has been "While one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country. And if one's friends were to persuade one that that was the best way one could serve, one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever one's own private wishes might be."

Hacker

[taking notes] "...private wishes might be." yes, I think I've got that.