Sir Humphrey Appleby quotes from Yes, Minister

Sir Humphrey

The people are ignorant and misguided.

Hacker

Humphrey, it's the people who elected me.

Sir Humphrey

[smiles and nods]

Hacker

Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.

Sir Humphrey

[laughs moderately]

Hacker

May we share the joke, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey

Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests, and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?

Hacker

To strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.

Sir Humphrey

Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.

Hacker

So why did the French go into it, then?

Sir Humphrey

Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.

Hacker

That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans.

Sir Humphrey

No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.

Hacker

I never heard such appalling cynicism! At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons.

Sir Humphrey

Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in.

Hacker

Very sensible central location.

Sir Humphrey

With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!

Hacker

How does Basil Corbett know about it when we don't?

Sir Humphrey

Perhaps he has the PM's ear.

Hacker

Yes, he is in the PM's pocket.

Bernard

Then the PM must have rather a large ear.

Hacker

Yes, I suppose we have got rather fond of one another. In a way.

Sir Humphrey

[laughs] In a way, yes!

Hacker

[jokingly] Like a terrorist and his hostage!

Bernard

Which one of you is the terrorist?

[each points at the other] He is.

Sir Humphrey

Didn't you read the Financial Times this morning?

Never do.

Sir Humphrey

Well, you're a banker. Surely you read the Financial Times?

Can't understand it. Full of economic theory.

Sir Humphrey

Why do you buy it?

Oh, you know, it's part of the uniform. It took me thirty years to understand Keynes' economics. Then when I'd just cottoned on, everyone started getting hooked on these new monetarist ideas, you know, I Want To Be Free by Milton Shulman.

Sir Humphrey

Milton Friedman.

Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I've only got as far as Milton Keynes.

Sir Humphrey

Maynard Keynes.

I'm sure there's a Milton Keynes.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, there is, but it's... [Humphrey gives up]

Sir Humphrey

There's the excuse we used for the Munich Agreement: it occurred before certain important facts were known and couldn't happen again.

Hacker

What important facts?

Sir Humphrey

Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

Hacker

I thought everybody knew that.

Sir Humphrey

Not the Foreign Office.

Sir Humphrey

Perhaps it is just for a drink, Minister.

Hacker

Don't be silly, Humphrey. They don't ask you to Number 10 for a drink just because they think you're thirsty!

Sir Humphrey

It's not for me to comment on government policy. You must ask the Minister.

Look, Sir Humphrey, whatever we ask the Minister, he says is an administrative question for you, and whatever we ask you, you say is a policy question for the Minister. How do you suggest we find out what is going on?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, yes, yes, I do see that there is a real dilemma here. In that, while it has been government policy to regard policy as a responsibility of Ministers and administration as a responsibility of Officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of administration conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the policy of the administration of policy.

Well, that's a load of meaningless drivel. [pause] Isn't it?

Sir Humphrey

It's not for me to comment on government policy. You must ask the Minister.

Sir Arnold

Life is so much easier when ministers think they've achieved something; it stops them fretting, and their little temper tantrums.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, but now he wants to introduce his next idea.

Sir Arnold

A minister with two ideas? I can't remember when we last had one of those.

Sir Humphrey

[talking about nuclear fallout shelters] Well, you have the weapons; you must have the shelters.

Hacker

I sometimes wonder why we need the weapons.

Sir Humphrey

Minister! You're not a unilateralist?

Hacker

I sometimes wonder, you know.

Sir Humphrey

Well, then, you must resign from the government!

Hacker

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not that unilateralist! Anyway, the Americans will always protect us from the Russians, won't they?

Sir Humphrey

Russians? Who's talking about the Russians?

Hacker

Well, the independent deterrent.

Sir Humphrey

It's to protect us against the French!

Hacker

The French?! But that's astounding!

Sir Humphrey

Why?

Hacker

Well they're our allies, our partners.

Sir Humphrey

Well, they are now, but they've been our enemies for the most of the past 900 years. If they've got the bomb, we must have the bomb!

Hacker

If it's for the French, of course, that's different. Makes a lot of sense.

Sir Humphrey

Yes. Can't trust the Frogs.

Hacker

You can say that again!

Sir Humphrey

If local authorities don't send us statistics, Government figures will be a nonsense.

Hacker

Why?

Sir Humphrey

They'll be incomplete.

Hacker

Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.

Bernard

I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.

Bernard

[on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.

Bernard

One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.

Sir Humphrey

[walks in on the stroke of ten] What's all this about?

Bernard

The minister's just left the office, that's all.

Sir Humphrey

That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?

Bernard

I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff.

Sir Humphrey

Who's he talking to?

Bernard

Perhaps he was just restless.

Sir Humphrey

If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!

Bernard

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

Tell me who the minister's talking to.

Bernard

Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone?

Sir Humphrey

Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?

Bernard

Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.

Bernard

Room 4017.

Sir Humphrey

I know!

Sir Humphrey

The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume; but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.

Hacker

I beg your pardon?

Sir Humphrey

It was... I.

Hacker

How am I going to explain the missing documents to the Mail?

Sir Humphrey

Well, this is what we normally do in circumstances like these.

Hacker

"This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..." Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

Sir Humphrey

No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.

Hacker

"...Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments". That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?

Hacker

How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... Zero?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, Minister.