A character in Wings
Played by Steven Weber
Wings · 49 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Wings: in 26 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Joe Hackett (18), Helen Chappel-Hackett (3), Lowell Mather (3)
Brian, it is over. No matter what stunts you pull, it is not going to mend our relationship. Do you get it?
BrianOh, yes, I get it. Trust me; I have had enough embarassment for one day! Man enters airport lounge dressed in a pink outfit and wings; Brian motions to approach him Oh good, the Cupidgram is here!
Helen's residence. Brian and Casey start passionately making out and go upstairs to have sex. They fail to see they threw their clothes near an active fireplace, which sparks and starts to burn the clothes
Master bedroom
BrianYou were great. It is so hot in here, you are smoking.
Smoke!
BrianDon't need to.
Sirens are heard on street
No Brian, there's smoke! Did you put out the fireplace?
BrianI guess. No need to worry.
Firemen break down door of master bedroom
BrianSmoke, there's fire! AUGH! Why didn't anyone tell me!
After Casey lets it slip about the fire when Joe did not know the cause at first
Let me get this straight Brian, you caused the fire? But the worst part of it, all this time you knew and said nothing when I was blaming myself or thinking it was faulty wiring or some accident.
BrianWell, Joe, it was hard to say.
You know Brian, this is not the first time you have pulled a stunt like this. When you ran off with my first fiancee Carol, I was angry, until Dad's death convinced me not to bear a grudge. It has been like this for years, you get in over your head doing something stupid, I get mad, I calm down, I forgive you, then I am the one stuck cleaning up the mess you made! Now that I am married I have to say no more. You burned down the house; what if that happened when you were babysitting the children Helen and I plan to have? Well, that is a risk I cannot take. I want you out.
BrianYou're right, I should get lost for a bit.
Not just that Brian. I want you out of my life.
BrianOut of your life?!
I will buy you out of the landholding mortgage and I will buy you out of Sandpiper. After that, I go my way and you go yours.
TO BE CONTINUED
BrianJoe, look what I found.
Dad's briefcase, so?
BrianIt was undamaged by the fire! And look at this, the picture Dad left for us! Know what this means?
Yeah, it means the nut house knew exactly what they were doing when they captured Dad by luring him into their van by waving a Chunky in front of him.
BrianBut Joe, the picture. Don't you know what it says?
Yeah, "You are rich". Why are you telling me this Brian? Did you expect to show me this and I would lighten up and say "Oh, you're right, all is forgiven"?
BrianAre you really that serious about wanting me gone?
Man enters Sandpiper office
Sir, if I could ask you to leave, I have confidential business to discuss.
BrianExcuse me pal, but this happens to be my office, and who are you?
Oh, this must be the second party.
BrianSecond party?
I have been retained to oversee that the partnership of Sandpiper Air be dissolved. Here is my card.
Man hands Brian business card
Brian{reciting card}: Al Skoog, Carpet Cleaners and Steaming Service. Don't just clean it, Skoogerize it!! What?
Sorry, that's my other business. Here is the right card.
Mr. Skoog hands Brian another business card
Brian{reciting card}: Al Skoog, Attorney at Law. Admitted to the bar in West Virginia and Massachusetts. We are not just good, we are Skoogerific!
Mr. Skoog comes highly recommended. I want to make sure this is done nice and legal.
BrianYou are dead serious about getting rid of me; I can't believe it!
Brian departs Sandpiper office
I do not understand how he just does not get it!
You look a little down. Tell you what, I own a pub crosstown. Give this coupon to the bartender. He will give you a free pitcher of Skoogeritas.
Last lines of episode
Anyway Joe, take my advice and cut your losses now. Get on with your life with Helen and tell Brian to hit the highway. You will not be haunted by regret, nor will you ever miss him. After all, you do not miss your mother and you do not miss me.
Dad, I do miss you!
Well, you never gave any sign of that when I was still alive.
You are right, I did not. I should have been there when you were on your deathbed or something akin to that when you were terminal.
Too bad, because now the only thing you can do is...miss me.
The ghost of Joe's father fades away. Joe returning to reality, is left to think to himself. Brian enters office
BrianOK Joe, that is the last of my boxes. At this point all I can tell you is have a nice life. So long.
Brian lifts box and departs office
Brian, wait!
Yes Joe, what is it?
Do not go.
I had my first kiss on Kingsbury Point.
I lost my virginity on Kingsbury Point.
BrianI lost my virginity on Kingsbury's couch. His niece was my prom date - a great prom date!
In flight
BrianThink we partied too much Joe in Miami?
Ugh, don't remind me.
BrianLet's open the casket.
Brian, no.
BrianCome on Joe! Brian opens casket, then his expression stops being a jocose one Uh, Joe, you really need to see this.
I am not in the mood.
BrianNo more joke, I am serious that you need to see this.
Joe takes a look then shares Brian's shock
BrianOnly two things can explain this. One, Harrison Kingsbury was a woman. Two, we signed for the wrong body.
Joe & Brian{in unison}: OH S#%$#T!
Scene changes to exterior of plane, where engine noise muffles profanity
BrianEleanor Kingsbury will understand. After all, the Kingsburies are people like us.
No, they are people who squash people like us! Do you not remember what happened to Siasconset Air?
BrianWho was Siasconset Air?
They were the guys who had the counter before us.
So what happened?
Eleanor Kingsbury took a flight on Siasconset Air and they misplaced one of her bags.
BrianAnd?
And...in the eleven minutes it took them to find it she had their mortgage called in and their credit line revoked. Before moving away, the owners were last seen making slushees at the Stop & Shop.
BrianIf she did that to Siasconset Air for losing her luggage, imagine what she will do to us once she finds out we lost her daddy!
Lowell enters terminal
I am working on the plane, Joe.
BrianYou are not going into the Witness Protection Program?
Yes, I am. They said I leave at 1300 hours. If there are 24 hours in a day that will be two months from now. By then you will be sick of me!
Uh, Lowell, were you in the military?
No.
FBI agents enter terminal
Mr. Mather, we need you to come with us.
They used military time. That means 1 in the afternoon.
Last lines of episode
BrianYou were right Joe, this Brother P-Touch label maker is great.
That should do it.
Joe's places label under Lowell's orange ball cap hanging on the wall
In Memory of Lowell Mather. Please do not touch.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Wings pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
