Wilfred quotes from Wilfred

Wilfred

Remember when I mauled that Black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his face? No. I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next Seal.

Wilfred

I don't want to cast a darker shadow on an already tragic day, but I think someone may have eaten part of Jeremy's brains.

Wilfred

Imagine how hilarious I'd look wearing a full-bodied animal suit.

Wilfred

What about your boss's suicide? I mean someone ate his brains. That's twisted. Did they find who did that, by the way?

Wilfred

I just watched Jenna take it in the hands from every guy in the neighborhood.

Wilfred

Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.

Wilfred

(to Ryan) Without you I have no purpose. I'm nothing. It's like I don't even exist.

Ryan

[speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him] Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?

You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.

Wilfred

Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. [smokes from a homemade water bong] You're not going to work today, Ryan. [passes a toke]

Wilfred

[referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in] That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.

Ryan

What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.

Wilfred

So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.

Ryan

What would you suggest I do?

Wilfred

March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass.

Ryan

[perplexed] You want me to have sex with him?

Wilfred

It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.

Ryan

[shocked] And have you done this with another dog?

Wilfred

Every goddamn day.

Ryan

I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.

Wilfred

[shrugging] Well, then you have no imagination.

Ryan

[talking to a dog] If only that were true.

Ryan

[referring to Spencer] Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?

Wilfred

I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?

Wilfred

[after Ryan tells him he can't do a band practice meeting due to going to help his sister] You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!

Ryan

Calm down!

Wilfred

Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!

Ryan

Don't be racist.

Wilfred

How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color.

Wilfred

Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling.

Ryan

Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.

Wilfred

Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!

Ryan

Do I look homeless?

Wilfred

Well you are talking to a dog.

[to Ryan] These people are ready to die. Hope is the last thing they need.

Wilfred

A coffin is the last thing they need. Up top!

Wilfred

Admit it, Ryan. You're not gettin' any satisfaction out of this. You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.

Ryan

Yeah, okay. I want to be admired. I want people to think I'm a good person like that douchebag in the park.