Wilfred quotes from Wilfred

That dog needs to go back where it came from.

Wilfred

Why don't you go back where you came from?! Right over there, where you were standing, before you came over here.

Ryan

Well, here we are.

Wilfred

Woah! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan - which by definition means 'no destination'! Even a cat knows that.

Ryan

What is the one thing that Jenna hates most about Drew.

Wilfred

The vaginal tearing from his huge cock.

Ryan

He's a sore loser. Look, all I have to do is beat him at something, and make sure Jenna's there to see him lose his shit.

Wilfred

That's the stupidest, most ridiculous... Actually, that's pretty good. But there's one problem. Drew's a born winner, and you're... you.

Ryan

Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion.

Wilfred

So, chemistry, baking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?

Wilfred

I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one.

Ryan

Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant.

Ryan

May I speak with you? Privately.

Wilfred

Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Bear.

Ryan

Okay. So, last night at Beth's...

Wilfred

Woah! Let's take it upstairs. Not cool, dude!

Ryan

You said I could say anything. I assumed it was an open relationship.

Wilfred

It is! But Bear doesn't know that!

Ryan

I'm not crazy!

Wilfred

Said the man to the dog.

Ryan

You son of a bitch!

Wilfred

How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Ryan

Eat shit! Eat shit!

Wilfred

Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

Wilfred

Do you know what this is?

Ryan

Let me guess, the length of my dick?

Wilfred

No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up.

Ryan

I would never..

Wilfred

Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.

Ryan

Our mind?

Wilfred

[about Trashface] He got what he wanted.

Ryan

To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff?

Wilfred

Exactly. To be remembered.

Ryan

I wasn't going to tell you, because you've been acting so negative lately, but I'm going on a date tomorrow night.

Wilfred

[mockingly] A date? With who?

Ryan

[nervously] No one. Just... someone I met.

Wilfred

Met where?

Ryan

Well, I... [glances towards his laptop]

Ryan

[haltingly] No.

Wilfred

"LoveMatchDating.com"?

Wilfred

Oh, my God!

Wilfred

Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.

Wilfred

Yeah, you just can't see them, cause they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?

Ryan

I think she's a great match for me.

Ryan

She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she's looking for a long-term relationship.

Wilfred

It's way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice 'hit-it-and-quit-it' chick.

Wilfred

Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Gross! Ooh! Here we go. [showing the page to Ryan] "Angelique"!

Wilfred

Are you kidding? "Favorite music: all types." This chick must be, like, an expert in music!

Ryan

Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?

Wilfred

Why do you ask?

Wilfred

It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?

Ryan

So nobody else?

Wilfred

You're one of a kind, Ryan.