Ryan quotes from Wilfred

Ryan

[smiling] Nailed it. [saves the third draft of his suicide letter]

Ryan

I was gonna get it on Kindle, but then people couldn't see how deep I am.

Ryan

I know why you're here now, to stop me from slipping down that slope. Please Wilfred, I need you to pull me back up.

Ryan

Apparently for the better part of three months, I was sitting in a coat closet getting baked with a dog.

Ryan

It said "wake up," which is weird because I read somewhere that people can't read while they're dreaming.

Ryan

Mustard stains are the new black

Ryan

God damn it Wilfred, I will not let you ejaculate all over me again.

Ryan

I could totally pass as Harry Potter.

Ryan

I will not rest until every cat in Venice is dead. And then I will move to my ultimate goal of making earrings out of the bronze testicles of every postal worker in the greater Los Angeles area.

Ryan

[speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him] Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?

You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.

Wilfred

Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. [smokes from a homemade water bong] You're not going to work today, Ryan. [passes a toke]

Wilfred

[referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in] That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.

Ryan

What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.

Wilfred

So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.

Ryan

What would you suggest I do?

Wilfred

March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass.

Ryan

[perplexed] You want me to have sex with him?

Wilfred

It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.

Ryan

[shocked] And have you done this with another dog?

Wilfred

Every goddamn day.

Ryan

I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.

Wilfred

[shrugging] Well, then you have no imagination.

Ryan

[talking to a dog] If only that were true.

Ryan

[referring to Spencer] Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?

Wilfred

I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?

Wilfred

[after Ryan tells him he can't do a band practice meeting due to going to help his sister] You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!

Ryan

Calm down!

Wilfred

Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!

Ryan

Don't be racist.

Wilfred

How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color.

Wilfred

Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling.

Ryan

Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.

Wilfred

Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!

Ryan

Do I look homeless?

Wilfred

Well you are talking to a dog.