Owen Harper quotes from Torchwood

Jack, Carys is out of her cell!

Owen

Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.

Jack

I'll deal with it. Tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.

Owen

I was taking some readings, you know, keeping an eye on her, and bang!

You got away lightly. Be thankful she was only interested your swipe card.

Gwen

Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock?

Jack

So what's our next move?

Owen

Stop the entire city of Cardiff from shagging?

Gwen

Hmm... put bromide in the water supply.

Jack

No, too hit and miss.

Owen

Yeah, and the water company got really pissed off last time we did that...

Jack

This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?

Splott.

Owen

Splott?!

Ianto

I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".

[To Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!

Owen

I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!

Owen

Why should you get away with it? You said you were sorry, said you didn't want to hurt her, but you didn't STOP! What if I didn't stop? Would I be sorry?

Gwen

Owen, no...

Gwen

No! It... it was as real as this is. More real. I didn't just see that little boy. I could... I could hear what he was thinking, I could feel it. Like I was lost!

Owen

Intense emotions can be part of a neurological event. Hallucinations? Dementia?

Gwen

I wasn't hallucinating, Owen! And I'm NOT bloody senile!

Gwen

What? I have to do that again?!

Jack

Someone does! Any volunteers? [throws the ghost device at Owen]

Owen

Woah!

Gwen

We don't know what it is, what it does.

Jack

Nope.

Gwen

Jack, this could be dangerous.

Jack

Yeah.

Owen

Uh, I don't mean to be picky, but I think I can spot some flaws in this plan...

Jack

I'm sorry! I thought you were the guys who gave up looking for a nineteen year old kid this morning! I figured maybe you were up for something more exciting!

All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.

Owen

Yeah, and all I'm saying is no.

Why not?

Owen

Look I've shared cars with women before, I know what'll happen, there's an emergency, all raring to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat's in the wrong position, rear view mirrors out of line, steering wheel's in my crotch. By time I've sorted all that out, aliens will've taken Newport!

Gwen

What the hell was that?

Owen

What?

Gwen

Snoggin' me.

Owen

Last kiss for the condemned man.. Embarrassing given we haven't been killed.. What? It's not like I fancy you or anything!

Gwen

I was on top of you. I could feel your hard-on.

Owen

Yeah. Well. You didn't exactly struggle, did ya?

Jack

[pointing his gun at Ianto] Did you know that thing was down there?

Ianto

I put her there.

Jack

[enraged] You hid a Cyberman within Torchwood?! And you didn't tell us?! What else are you keeping from us?!

Ianto

[scathingly] Like you care. I clear up your shit, no questions asked, and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life? [pause] Her name's Lisa. She's my girlfriend.

Gwen

Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you.

Ianto

Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats. Why would I tell you about her?

Owen

[angry] A little loyalty, perhaps?

Ianto

My loyalty's to her. She worked for Torchwood. She was caught up in the battle. I owe it to Lisa, we owe it to her, to find a cure.

Jack

Ianto, you have to believe me, there is no cure. There never will be. Those who are converted stay that way. Your girlfriend will not be the exception.

Ianto

You can't know that for sure!

Jack

Look, you need to know what's happening here. Because this is where these things start, small decisions that become mass slaughter. These creatures regain a foothold by exploiting human weakness. Then they take a base, rebuild their forces, and before you know it, the Cyber race is spreading out across the universe, erasing worlds, assimilating populations, all because of the tiny beginnings here. We need to stop her together!

Ianto

You're not listening to me. The conversion was never completed.

Jack

She already tried to kill Gwen. You think she's gonna stop there? There is no turning back for her now.

Ianto

I'm not giving up on her. I love her. Can you understand that, Jack? Haven't you ever loved anyone?

Jack

...You need to figure out whose side you're on here, because if you don't know, you're not going to make it out of this alive.

Owen

I hate the countryside. It's dirty, it's unhygienic. And what is that smell?

Gwen

That would be grass.

Owen

It's disgusting.

Toshiko

[Talking about a tent] Need any help getting it up Owen?

Owen

If I did, I wouldn't ask you.

Jack

Seventeen disappearances within the last five months. Police are clueless.

Owen

Now there's a surprise! [to Gwen] No offence, PC Cooper.

Owen

If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.

Jack

That's just the humans.

Jack

Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?

Ianto

Two thousand and eight.

Owen

Hey, what if they all become psychotic?

Do you have to sound so happy?

Owen

Yeah, I'm just saying, Mean Streets!