Jack Harkness quotes from Torchwood

Owen

It's a kind of alien egg. But don't worry, I'm going to look after you, I promise. We've got procedures for this situation.

Gwen

You mean, this has happened before?

Jack

You've heard of immaculate conception, haven't you? Well...

Jack

[looking through a dress catalogue] Nope, like that one. Good choice.

Ianto

I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.

Jack

Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time.

Ianto

Well, if later on-

Owen

[walking through the threshold] Jack!

Ianto

Yep, brilliant, like that one.

Jack

[pointing gun at Brenda] Get back, you ugly bitch!

Rhys

What are you doing, that's my mother!

Jack

No! It's the alien!

I'm not an alien!

Jack

Oh, you're good, I'll give you that.

But I'm not!

Jack

Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto.

Jack

You sure you're ready for this, Owen? You know what a Nostrovite can do; you think you've got it covered a hundred feet away, and it's already chewing on you liver.

Owen

I don't need my liver.

Jack

What's is it with you? Ever since Owen died, all you've done is agree with him!

Ianto

I was brought up not to speak ill of the dead. Even if they do still do most of their talking for themselves.

Gwen

What will you do while I'm gone?

Jack

Ooh, the usual. Pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times.

Jack

Ianto, with me. I need your local knowledge.

Gwen

Oh, is that what you're calling it these days?

I don't believe this Jack. What were you doing there?

Owen

He's part of this freak show.

Jack

Some things never change.

Owen

You being rude about me?

Your eyes are older than your face.

Jack

Is that a bad thing?

Yes. It means you don't belong. It means you're from nowhere.

Gwen

Ianto, hi. I'm sorry. I didn't realize--

Ianto

Doesn't matter.

Gwen

I wouldn't have come in if I'd known--

Jack

Always room for one more. We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.

Ianto

He cheats. He always cheats

Who are you?

Jack

Nobody. I don't exist... and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement.

He's coming, the one you're looking for. The century will turn twice before you find each other again.

Jack

Ooh. Are you for real? You mean I have to wait a hundred years to find him? What'll I do in the meantime?

The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria.

Jack

(laughs) He's not a threat. The Doctor's the one who will save you from your phantasma-hoogits.

Jack

Hey, when you joked about the Millennium Bug, I didn't realise it was gonna have 18 legs stacked with poison. Anyone home? Hey! You know you're supposed to party like it's... (stops and sees his dead crew, then a man) Alex?

Jack! Just in time.

Jack

Alex? What happened? Who did this?

Me.

Jack

What? Why?

We got it wrong, Jack. We thought we could control the stuff we found. And what's it brought us? So much death.

Jack

What happened to them?

It's good you're here. Always did have great timing. This place, it's yours. Torchwood Three. My gift to you, Jack, for a century of service as field operative. Fill this place with purpose. Before it's too late. Please.

Jack

Alex, listen. It's going to be okay.

No. It's not. It's really not. I looked inside. It showed me what's coming. They were mercy killings. It's the kindest thing I could do. So none of us see the storm. I'm sorry I can't do the same for you. 21st century, Jack. Everything's gonna change. And we're not ready. (gun to forehead)

Jack

Alex!

Jack

And you are?

Ianto

Jones, Ianto Jones.

Jack

Nice to meet you Jones Ianto Jones.