Jack Harkness quotes from Torchwood

Owen

If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.

Jack

That's just the humans.

Gwen

Wait a minute, I've taken retcon.

Jack

Then better stay away from sharp objects.

Jack

Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?

Ianto

Two thousand and eight.

Owen

Hey, what if they all become psychotic?

Do you have to sound so happy?

Owen

Yeah, I'm just saying, Mean Streets!

Ianto

[to Jack] If you're interested, I've still got that stopwatch.

Jack

So?

Ianto

Think about it, lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.

Jack

Oh yeah, I can think of a few.

Ianto

There's quite a list.

Jack

I'll send the others home early, see you in my office in ten.

Ianto

That's ten minutes... and counting.

Ianto

Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?

Jack

Good question.

Ianto

She had quite a few deaths in the end.

Jack

I don't know. 'Death by Torchwood'.

Ianto

I'll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.

Jack

Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection days are over, thank God.

Ianto

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.

At last, you must be Torchwood. My team bitch about you all the time.

Jack

And you are?

Detective Swanson.

Jack

I'm Captain Jack Harkness. [shakes her hand]

So I've heard. Tell me something, are you always this dressy for a murder investigation?

Jack

What, you rather me naked?

God help me, the stories are true.

Is that his...?

Jack

You don't think I would choose that ringtone.

Owen

This is Owen's voicemail, don't leave a message.

Jack

Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately.

Jack

Okay Janet [the Weevil], time for a trip out.

You call it Janet?

Jack

Barbara just never seemed right.

Owen

I didn't want saving.

Jack

You want us to apologize?

Owen

For a few seconds in that cage, I felt totally at peace... And then you blunder in. Do you always know best, Jack? Is that what you believe?

Jack

I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.

Captain Jack Harkness

Who were they?

Jack

The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.

Captain Jack Harkness

Have any of us?

He would have been so proud that you took his name. 'Cause here you are, saving the world. To Captain Jack.

Jack

To Captain Jack.

Jack

you're a united front now. Ianto, hiding your cyber girlfriend in the basement. Owen, so strong he stepped into the cage with a weevil waiting to get mauled. Toshiko, your alien lesbian gave you a pendant.

Gwen

Jack, calm down, I just need to save Rhys.

Jack

yeah, 'cause you're so in love with Rhys you spend all that time in Owen's bed.

Gwen

I've got to get Rhys back!

Jack

Yea, you're so in love with Rhys, you spend half your time in Owen's bed. [Gwen punches Jack]

Gwen

So, what sort of vision did you have? We all saw people we loved, asking us to open the Rift. Who did you see?

Jack

Nothing. I didn't see anyone.

Gwen

Jack? What visions would have tempted you?

Jack

[sighs] The right kind of Doctor.

Gwen

Jack!

Owen

I thought we tidied up in here.

Gwen

Did any of you see Jack on your way in?

Ianto

No. Why?

Gwen

[Arms folded, she turns to face the direction the noise came from] Something's taken him. Jack's gone.

Ianto

"And I heard but did not understand and I said, 'Master, what is the end of all these things?' And he said, 'Go, Daniel, for the things are closed up and sealed until the end of time.'" Daniel 12, verse 10.

Gwen

Sounds a bit close for comfort.

Owen

This machine's on the blink, keeps losing power. [to Ianto] Sorry, don't let me stop your portents of doom. Or have you finished?

Ianto

No. Plenty more where that came from. Abaddon, the Great Devourer, who'll lead the world into shadow.

Jack

Yeah, thanks, Ianto. I could do without the superstition; you people love any story that denies the randomness of existence.

Ianto

Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better.