James: [On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier [than sitting here] actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. No! Sorry.

James: [on film clip] It's not wide enough!

James: [On his Bentley T2] I've got furniture that handles better than this thing!

James: [On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

James: [on the Monaro's high gearing and enormous torque] Here I am, doing sixty miles an hour, in top gear [6th], and the engine is turning over at 1,500rpm - 1500! It's idling! You fat Aussie slacker!

James: [On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] A vote for Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell will result in your internet service provider changing your domain name to 'loser'!

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.
Jeremy: That is true, actually.

James: [Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Jeremy: Yes.
James: ...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
Richard: [Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Jeremy: Just--get on...
James: [Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
Jeremy: [To James] So how much have you got?
James: 300 quid.
Jeremy: [To Richard] You?
Richard: 500 quid! You?
Jeremy: ...naught.

James: [reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
Jeremy: That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
James: In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
Jeremy: What about the honey badger?
Richard: The what?
Jeremy: The honey badger.
James: That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
Jeremy: A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
Richard: It does not!
James: Why's it called the honey badger?
Richard: Exactly!
Jeremy: That's what's made it angry.
Richard: Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"

James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up crotch close to camera] is a bacon sausage. And this [undoes zipper] is a car.

James: [Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're in Top Gear... 35mph..!

James: [Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".