BMr. Balowski
There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?
No.
BMr. Balowski
I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[The clock's hands have spun rapidly.]
SSue
Is that the time?
No, the clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round really fast. It's only really half past seven.
God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.
It was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there, you could have given me away!
[Neil announces he's doing an inventory of the kitchen]
Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!
Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?
Yes.
[mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!
[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]
My potion! My potion as well.
What potion?
It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
[Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
[with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Yes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
[When Rick is asking who ate his apple.]
What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?!
If he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike?
Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know.
[When Vyvyan visits Narnia and sees the White Witch and the driver, Shirley.]
WWitch
Come, sit next to me, child. [Vyvyan sits on the sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. Eurgh! Who's farted?
It's not me!
SShirley
That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!
Who says?
SShirley
For a month!
Who says?!
SShirley
[weakly] She does.
WWitch
I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!
'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?
SShirley
It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!
Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!
WWitch
Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?
Not particularly. You got any kebabs?
Hey, Neil.
Yes, Mike?
Come over here.
You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
No, I don't.
Oh.
Where's my breakfast?
Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
So why haven't you gone?
Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
There's plenty of money in the kitty!
Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
BMr. Balowski
Heerrree's Jerzei!
It's Mr. Balowski!
How did he get in here?!
Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
BMr. Balowski
Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
Oh, my God! He's turned into an homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
I don't know why you bother ever.
Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came; you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.
Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.
Yeah, sausages and?
Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?
Yes.
Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?
We mean, yes you smell. Smelly!
[clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.
[Rick is trying to commit suicide]
I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
PMPack of matches
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
[After the guys kill a loose sock]
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
We can't Mike.
Why not?
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Cor! That was quick!
[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]
Oi!
[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.